Feeling so low. Need help. But there isn't any.

I am sliding and sliding down. I want to ask for help, but I don't expect there to be any. In the past, when I've gone to the local psych facility, they'll say, "So what is it you think we can do for you?" It sounds more like, "Whada u want from us?" So I haven't gone there in a few years. Probably not in four years.

I take Elavil 50 mg every evening. It's a tricyclic and about the only thing that ever helped. I tried a dozen different drugs back around 2010 - 2012. Went in-patient, etc. I gave up on all that and just went back on taking only the Elavil. I take some Vicodin for moderate soreness of various bodily aches and pains. That seems to actually help my mental state as well.

My sleeping is screwed up. My eating is screwed up. I'm awful tired. Every morning I wake up deep in the quagmire. It can take the whole day to get out of it. Today I never got out of it.

I'm desperate to shake this off. I think maybe if I was ordered a stimulant in the morning. I don't have any real faith that anything is going to help. But it couldn't hurt to try something.

I have frequent bouts of feeling well. When I feel well, I feel quite well. I go into that state on a regular basis. Yesterday I was trimming the rose bushes outside. So I was doing pretty good just last night. But I keep sliding down. I'm neglecting things . . . like I haven't looked at my mail in weeks.

I'm being irresponsible. There's stuff in that mail that's important.

Even just to talk to someone who'ld understand. Not that I want therapy. I did that to death for many years.

I feel like, "What's the use? No one is going to understand or want to try anything with me."

I'm tired of the TV on from dawn to midnight daily. But my bf watched it all the time. If I tell him I am not doing well, he'll just say, "You'll be fine." Living feels miserable like this.

I hate when professionals say what do you want us to do? I thought they get paid to help ? I usually say how should I know , you should know how to help . because before when I tried asking for what I thought I needed they said no to everything . you can't win with them sometimes . I hope you feel better soon

Rose I'm sorry you feel so low right now. Do you have anyway to get a break and "recharge your batteries" so to speak?

I am on Concerta for my ADD and the added bonus is that it helps with my depression somewhat. It might be worth talking to a doctor to see if there is something they can give you that will help get you moving.

If you ever need an ear I'm on here most nights.

I'm in a bad state. All I can think of doing is to take another Vicodin. I need something to change how I feel. This is too bad.

I have dishes to do. I kept going to the sink to do a few at a time. That's all I could manage. I'm desperate to talk to someone, but I'm afraid. I worry I might lose my prescriotion to Vicodin, if I report being depressed. At one time a provider told me that I am not allowed to take more than one controlled substance. So I figure there's no point seeing a doctor about about this.

I have been really cracking up today. I appreciate any input.

My husband was on three controlled substances at the same but that could vary by state. They shouldn't be able to take your vicodin away for being depressed. Do you have a family doctor you trust that you could go to?

Even if you called an anonymous hot line it would be an outlet and they might be able to give you extra information that you could use with your doctor. Please keep posting here as much as you need so you have an outlet

Thank you, Rain. I don't even have an actual doctor. My PCP is a physician's assistant. It's a young woman . . . not the warmest person to talk to.

I'm going to take something.

I just made an appointment to go in Friday to see my PCP. I'm going to say I would like to try a stimulant in the morning.

My biggest worry is that me complaining of being depressed might be seen as a reason to stop ordering Vicodin for me. Another concern is that it seems to be a policy that they don't like to see me on more than one controlled substance. In years past, I was on all kinds if meds. Just about nothing helped for depression. Ritalin didn't do me much good back then either, but I think it did wake me up. That alone would be a big help right now. I have an awful time with morning fatigue.

Even just to be able to tell someone that I'm getting in worsening shape mentally. Even if there is nothing they can order that will help. Just for someone to acknowledge that I'm very depressed.

I tell myself that this will eventually turn around. It always has. I know depression is chronically recurring for me. That's not going to change. But I'm barely functioning right now.

I have utterly no one to talk to about how miserable I feel. My sig. other never has had any understanding, nor any interest. Now, with him having some dementia, it seems beyond him to try and grasp that I feel awful.

I don't have a history of med-seeking from doctors. A year ago, I went to the psych center complaining of awful restlessness at night. That turned out to be from severe anemia due to internal bleeding.

I wish I could fall asleep right now. Sleep is my only escape.

I'm barely keeping up with caring for my S.O. I'm not caring for myself right. I barely manage to brush my teeth once a day. I want someone to see that I'm suffering and just losing this struggle right now.

So sorry to hear you're suffering, Rose. I agree with others that you need to see a doctor ASAP.

If you open your consultation by explaining your terror of losing the Vicodin, and frame it that way, they should understand. It's a while since you were last assessed. There might be new treatments by now.

PM me if you're feeling bad.

Much love.

I'm sorry I don't have any good suggestions for you. But I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I'm not on any med's. They've never really been of much help. Some have done more harm than good. Plus, I have things I have to do. I can't afford to be muddled by medication. I wake up every morning feeling like I've been hit by a bus. It gets a bit better throughout the day. But not a lot.

I have a pdoc I see a couple of times a year, just to keep my foot in the door so to speak. I've seen a few different therapists for brief periods over the years. They ranged from mediocre to dreadful! I don't believe there is any help for me out there. Oh of course there are plenty of people who are more than willing to take my money. But that's all it ever amounts to. So I just keep to myself. I consider it to be my gift to the world.

I hope you are able to find some way to ameliorate your depression. Struggling with your own depression & then caring for your S.O with dementia as well has to be excruciatingly difficult. I presume you've checked out the possibilities as far as in-home care & seniors services goes. Best wishes for success with your upcoming PCP appointment.

I appreciate the posts above.

I feel like I need some professional to understand that I'm coming apart. Even if there's nothing anyone can do for me. My experience going to the public psych facility in my city has been so frustrating that I feel loath to go back there. Then, again, they did help me last year and figured out what was going on with the anemia.

I just dread going over there and them startung with the usual head game they play: "So what is it you want us to do?"

I'm going to lie down and see if I can sleep. I feel awful sleepy.

I'm so sorry to hear all this. The sliding down -- and knowing your sliding down is awful.

I'm not sure I have any useful advice. But you do have my sympathy. It sure sounds like you need someone to really talk to. I don't know, since I don't do groups well at all, but maybe some kind of local support group with others who understand?

Another thing is that since I live in a rural area, I applied to mental health services in both a local area and the closest metropolis which covers a wider area. I knew there would be bad waiting lists and not all centres are especially ...um... helpful. I ended up picking one of course. But my point is you may be eligible to try in more than one place if there are overlapping regions or some such. Just a thought.

And I'm with you on the sleep. I see more messages I wanted to look at, but my sleep discipline is an important part of my self-care. It's minutes to my appointed "must go to bed" hard limit. So I've just turned into a pumpkin.

I hope tomorrow brings you a little more strength.

I went to the psych center - to the crisis area. I got seen by a nurse and two pdocs. They said I could be put on a waiting list to see a pdoc in about a month or two. I feel like a fool for even going there.

I have to be utterly desperate to go there. Over the past four days I've been increasingly desperate. So, finally, I decided to go.

This place is part of the healthcare system where I get my healthcare. One of the docs there told me they are a safety net facility. (It's publicly owned.) He seemed to be saying that people should first try to get help elsewhere.

It's a teaching facility. First the resident saw me. He said that maybe my PCP should increase my thyroid medication. Then the older, attending pdoc saw me. He seemed to wonder what I was doing there and told me to be sure and see my PCP.

The whole reason I did make an appointment with my PCP was to ask to be referred to a pdoc at this psych facility. Tomorrow I'll cancel that appointment with my PCP, since I went directly to the psych facility this evening and they didn't seem to think I merited much attention.

This particular psych center has a reputation for sending people out the door who turn around and shoot themselves. It is being sued by families of suicide victims who they failed to take seriously.

I'm not very melodramatic, so I didn't strike them as having any kind of emergency. It was so hard to even work up the gumption to go over to this place. It was all for nothing.

So I came home and called a crisis hotline. The crisis hotline first referred me to a homeless day shelter that provides psych services to the homeless. It's not where I would send anyone who wasn't on the street. Next they referred me to the place I already went to this evening. So I just got sent in a circle.

I feel very hurt and angry and frustrated. I'm not an attention seeker. It was only after days of being in bad shape that I reluctantly went and asked for help. I feel like a complete fool for going there.

I live on my SSDI, so I don't have the money to plunk down for a private psychiatrist. Maybe tomorrow I should go to that homeless place. Maybe they could refer me to some other agency. I know of other places, but they're for people with substance abuse problems. It's hard to get psych care when you're low-income and don't have an alcohol or drug problem.

I was just looking at some video on Youtube of dogs of the breed I used to have. I do that sometimes because it's like getting to see her again. Usually it makes me happy. But tonight it has made me terribly sad and missing her. I can't stop crying.

The doctors at this public psych center don't seem to realize that it can feel so embarrassing to divulge very personal stuff that what they are hearing that I'm able to say is only the tip of the iceberg compared to all that I could say, if I trusted them. And an experience like last evening is so disheartening that I feel like I have nowhere to turn, if I get in worse shape than I'm in right now. The attending doctor was so dismissive - like I had no business being there.

I'm so sorry they treated you in such a manner. Our mental health care in this country is deplorable unless you can afford to pay out of pocket or have stellar insurance.

I hope you can find some relief from your PCP. Maybe she will give you something to perk you up.

So sorry you are feeling this way and finding no help

Thinking of you, Rose.
Do you have any friend or relative you can call for a bit of support?

Maybe it's my fault that I didn't tell these psychiatrists that I'm awfully depressed. I made it sound like I just am having a sleep issue. I told them I am sleeping too much. I guess that doesn't sound like any big deal.

I am on the verge of deciding I can't properly care for my S.O. When I think of giving up taking care of him, I feel suicidal.

I don't know why suddenly I feel like I can't cope, when I had been managing decently enough all summer. I don't know why my mind has gotten plagued by this awful sense of desperation just recently. I was doing more or less okay. Now I'm coming unglued.

I can understand your anxiety when being stuck as a human and as a caregiver. I have a son with disabilities who needs me. I also need help but I put myself on the back burner, keep putting myself there over and over again until I have no idea how I got there. It’s a slow progression and then BAM! While my son is not an S.O. I understand that caregiver role, the role it takes on you. Some days, I tell myself I can’t do this anymore, that I can’t be his mom anymore.... and I know I wouldn’t survive if I gave him up.

It’s important to take for you, important to find something that gives you respite, every day. I know it’s easier said than done, I know because I’ve given everything up for my son, to care for him and I have nothing left but my depression. You’re not alone in this fight. Talk to your doctors about your depression. It’s important, YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO!!!

You just need some help right now, Rose. No need to make any big decisions at this stage. I'd definitely go back to the doc and say you're feeling desperate.

As has been true the past few mornings, this morning the tinnitus seems awfully loud on the left side of my head. This symptom is worst when I first wake up. Today seems the worst it has been. I feel almost frantic to escape this.

I feel like going back to the psych hospital and telling them that someone has to at least try to help me or . . .

Threats are no good. Psych facilities hear threats all the time. They are not impressed by threats. I tell myself to just cool down and stop making a big deal out of this . . . that it is me making this worse than it has to be.

The home health aid is here now.

I am telling myself to just stop being desperate and just rely on the passage of time to make things okay. Periodically, I get bad spells, and eventually they go away. So this should too.

When I lie down this noise in my head gets worse.

I keep coming back here because I feel less alone when I'm on this website. PC members understand. Many have been through similar things.

I keep falling asleep. But I can't get over feeling awfully tired. I just slept for an hour in a kind of twilight sleep that doesn't seem like I was fully asleep.

If I just give up thinking how I can fight this, maybe I won't feel as bad.

I just took two Vicodin tablets, which gives me a dose of hydrocodone 20 mg.

I have felt this depressed and anxious before, and it always has gone away eventually. I'm trying to talk myself into a better frame of mind. Going to psychiatrists actually never helped me. Maybe if I increase the amitriptyline.

Are you OK, Rose?

Hope youre feeling better