I will always be able to continue. I told the therapist I see that until I am involuntarily committed to hospital, I remain fine.

then she asked if I needed to go to hospital.

I said no. because I'm fine.

I don't think I'm fine. the world seems very grey. and I'm getting bored and tired of continuing. but things aren't that bad.

I can barely muster up energy to do what needs to be done. I'm not taking care of myself. I'm not getting what needs to be done done.

the T seems to think its a big deal that I have my method of suicide with me at all times. I told her I don't think its a big deal.

I don't know. theres no point in this post because I can't string a thought together. I just wish someone would realize how bad things are.

anyway, they're not that bad. I'm going to be fine. I also decided there's nothing wrong with me, or my childhood. nothing really horrible happened.

I need help. I'm fading away.

[Sunflower123]

Can I respectfully interject that carrying your method of suicide around with you concerns me? Are you totally against IP? I’m thinking of you and hope you start feeling better. I’m here if you need to talk.

[Neverlosehope87]

Possible trigger....


I find when I’m at the bottom of the barrel, I downplay everything. I’m sad all the time but I’m fine. I think about suicide all day, but I’m fine. My father was an abusive alcoholic but I’m fine. My ex boyfriend raped me but I’m fine. ...... the list continues as to what I’ll downplay.


End of trigger....

But the problem is, it’s not fine, you’re not fine. You sound lost and confused and sad. The hardest step I’ve ever had to do was ask for help. To not only be honest with myself but with others. The people who were there to help, to help me to better. Honestly, it’s so damn hard to face sometimes, to a real person.... when you’re truly not ok.

When you’re ready, tell your T you need help. Until you’re ready to take that step, you’re not alone. I’m here for you, the wonderful people on PC are here for you. We understand what you’re going through. (((Hugs)))

[leejosepho]

I am quite weary of/from the kinds of things you have mentioned, and I will have no complaint when it all ends. Am I fine? No, and there are times when I dread having to face yet another day. But, every day I endure suggests another day is possible and I refuse to go to my grave having given up.

Well, I managed to get to class and do three small but important things. It is so difficult to send emails and do boring paperwork. Communication and deadlines freak me out. I just do not like to deal with people it seems. There's a lot of pressure. But I'm feeling as if I can get some things done today. Maybe it helped to angst at the T.

Now I need to get off my butt and do something creative. This might be the end of me. It seems like freelance artistic work is very stressful for me, as it requires deadlines, communication, unclear who is the boss, and also the creativity that I buried long ago.

My emotional shifts are strange. I don't know what makes my mood change. I told the T that I just have to force myself to do my work, to will myself out of bed. Maybe it is good to be obstinate/disagreeable with someone who can't really effect my grades or work performance? I probably have so much anger that I haven't released.

I am aware that I'm not happy or optimistic right now. I merely feel that I can handle my workload. I don't feel any less grey. But it interesting that I am suddenly able to do things. In a day or two it will have flip flopped again.

So basically, I'm fine. Functioning.

Not much for me to add here, but I so share your frustration with freelance creative work. Everything you talk about concerning it I get and struggle with too.

You're a fascinating person, emptynightmare. I'm sorry things are just a dull grey for you.

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

Not much for me to add here, but I so share your frustration with freelance creative work. Everything you talk about concerning it I get and struggle with too.

You're a fascinating person, emptynightmare. I'm sorry things are just a dull grey for you.

being creative on hire is hard.

regarding you finding me fascinating.... I find that fascinating in itself, because I find myself to be very, very boring.

Thanks for your comment and flattering words.

On we go.

It sounds like an adventure. But there's nowhere to go. Is this victory? I've felt all there is to feel. Life gives the illusion of progress but we are just watching a movie in a small room, reacting.

The T asked what keeps me going. I wish it were something redeeming like my family but it is simply my very large and fragile ego. I feed off my own humiliation and guilt.

The T thinks I'm weird lol. And also tiresome.

[leejosepho]

I believe it is quite healthy to do whatever we can to try to move or grow away from feelings of humiliation and guilt (even though guilt is never actually an emotion).

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

The T thinks I'm weird lol. And also tiresome.

I congratulate you for not falling into the trap of trying to be well-adjusted within whatever it is that drives him or her to think like that.

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

I don't know. theres no point in this post because I can't string a thought together. I just wish someone would realize how bad things are.

Your wish has come true, I do realize how bad things are in life.
I can write a big chunk load of how bad things are.

Possible trigger:

Minorities being labeled with "mental illness" or "personality disorder" like Jews were labeled in the holocaust, what can be worse than that?

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Your wish has come true, I do realize how bad things are in life.
I can write a big chunk load of how bad things are.

Possible trigger:

Minorities being labeled with "mental illness" or "personality disorder" like Jews were labeled in the holocaust, what can be worse than that?

mental illness was thrust upon me, a minority, without my consent, by the "school," by the "government," by a "social worker," and by my "family." I was taken and punished for sadness, for not coping in an impossible, inhumane situation.

the enemy is everywhere. therapy is not a safe space for me.

I see no future where I am safe except one where I am alone, mentally and physically, living off the grid. there I can surround myself with things I love, and no one will be able to take them away from me.

Mental illness is a trap.

vulnerability is not an option, neither is bravery. you just have to be their dream.

What do you mean by “have to be their dream”?

[Toomixedup]

[QUOTE=Neverlosehope87;5874702]Possible trigger....


I find when I’m at the bottom of the barrel, I downplay everything. I’m sad all the time but I’m fine. I think about suicide all day, but I’m fine. My father was an abusive alcoholic but I’m fine. My ex boyfriend raped me but I’m fine. ...... the list continues as to what I’ll downplay.


End of Possible Trigger ]

I completely agree with this statement. It is as though at the lowest point it takes too much energy to put into words our pain we are feeling. It is easier to just say, “fine”. Not that many would understand if we tried to explain it anyways. I hope things are smoothing out today a bit for you empty

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Are you totally against IP? I’m thinking of you and hope you start feeling better. I’m here if you need to talk.

Would they make me take medicine?

Comforting though it would be to know that I would be at last succumbing to the control of others, it just seems like a very messy hassle. I just don't want medicine and to have it on my record. I'm not sure what I'd be in there for anyway. Do you have to have a specific problem? I have no diagnosis. There's not really anything wrong with me.