[Allycat73]

I don't really know what to say since I don't really talk to people and I've been on forums for different things before without finding them helpful. But here I am. I sometimes doubt I have depression because it's not as bad as what I've read about others. I can force myself to do things and I eat/sleep fine. I've been on escitalopram (generic Lexapro) for 4 wks now and things seemed to be starting to get better but then I had this anxious feeling I couldn't shake and started drinking again after not for 10+ months. Suicide hotline is a joke and made me feel 10 times worse... just like the last time I had called. I have people who love me but I'd rather live for myself than for someone else. Plus I don't feel as though I am able to talk to anyone, although I know I can. I feel trapped, stuck in mud, or wedged between 2 rock walls. Therapy hasn't been helping yet, it also didn't help the last time I tried it either. I don't plan on killing myself but then sometimes I find myself thinking, "that would be a good place to hang myself" or I find myself wrapping a cord around my neck and pulling until I hear noises in my neck, just to see. I don't know...

[WoundedGirl]

I can do relate to all you said in your post. I am finding that when I’m in the middle of a panic attack I start a mindfulness exercise and just concentrate on my breath.

I hope things get better and your medication continues to work for you.

[Fuzzybear]

[CepheidVariable]

I'm sorry things are awful for you now.

Not everyone experiences depression the exact same way. It is, however, common for people to think "it's not that bad -- others are worse off" or "I'm not worth the trouble". Depression can cause or amplify those feelings. You're on medication and in therapy, so somebody objectively thinks it's valid. I was seemingly functioning but severely depressed for years before getting help. Thinking it wasn't a valid clinical case was a terrible mistake for me.

If you have started to experience an upswing in anxiety and possibly other symptoms, you should check in with your doctor or psychiatrist. There can still be side effects and changes even after a few weeks on a new medication or dosage. It might be something that can be cleared up.

Welcome to PsychCentral. I hope you find it more helpful. Please post as often as you like. It's what we're all here for.

Take care.

[Winterbritt]

Well hi, Allycat
I just want to welcome you. I hear all that. I was totally there. Medication and therapy didn't really help me. I was an empty sad hopeless sack of mushy nothing for years. When you're super low, it doesn't seem like there are any answers, and it seems like nobody knows what they're talking about.

I was super cynical of everything all three of my therapists said. I think it was because I didn't understand any of the theory behind mental health. I'm not sure the therapist understood it either actually. If she did, she never let me in on her plan.

But then I did a whole bunch of research on my own because I just couldn't live that way anymore. And I learned how thoughts and feelings and emotions and motivation and hope and happiness and depression work together. And then I was able to heal myself by manipulating my thought patterns, systematically on purpose.

People say depression is a legit disease like cancer or diabetes or whatever. I won't dispute that it's legit. But it's also special because it comes from the mind, affects the mind, and can be healed by that same mind.

There's a concept called neuroplasticity where scientists have proven that the brain can heal itself. The electrical brain maps of people with OCD actually changed after they practiced altering their thoughts. They cured their own OCD with their minds.

Like imagine you are sitting at a computer. You're the user, pecking at the keys. And your brain is the hardware of the computer. And your mind is the software on that computer. There are just glitches in the software that give you the result of depression. You can repair the software, you just have to learn the coding language.

Depression can go away. You're just a few shifts in perception away from freedom. You can learn your way out of it if you're open to it and you keep trying.

If you want to pm me, I will absolutely do everything I can to help you.
I have a blog where I write about some methods that have worked for me and you can find me on facebook from the blog link in my signature.

There are real life step-by-step things you can do to feel better systematically and on purpose. Do not give up. You are precious and perfect, and you are worth it. It's only your software that needs addressing.

[icreateidestroy]

@Allycat73

I am like you in the sense I have wondered if I am really depressed or making it up in my mind because I don't have it bad as what I read in the forums. I sleep Ok and tend to over-eat when am depressed. The over-eating leads to weight-gain, but no other serious health issues or and I seemingly appear to have an OK life.

And I have cycled with my depression so many times with my up and down phases, that I have been frustrated and have had thought about putting an end to this all to make it easy for people around me and myself.

But I am convinced there are ways and I can fight this thing off. I am just determined to fight it and not let it get the better of me and as a first step have gotten myself to go see a doctor and waiting to meet a psychiatrist.

Tbh, I don't know what to say, but I am sorry you are where you are and hope things will become better.

@Winterbritt:
You are amazing. I see the genuine interest you (and some others too) who take to help others to give a listening ear and help. Just a note to say people like you give hope!

[MickeyCheeky]

Well, I think starting to think about what places would be better in case of suicide is already a sign of depression... it might not be too bad now, but it can get worse. Try to get help

[avlady]

Welcome and enjoy. the advice from others was great!!

[Winterbritt]

Originally Posted by icreateidestroy

@Winterbritt:
You are amazing. I see the genuine interest you (and some others too) who take to help others to give a listening ear and help. Just a note to say people like you give hope!

Thank you That really means a lot to me

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I’m happy to see you got some excellent responses above. Best wishes.