Just venting and hating life...nothing unusual here!

Just returned from a 50th anniversary conference in NYC. While I did enjoy the content of the conference...the science papers presented, etc...I have returned home empty and numb. The whole train ride home was the only time I felt at peace. A train load of strangers intently ignoring one another. Cities and countryside speeding by outside the window.

At the conference, I roomed with a friend from AZ who doesn't like to have a roommate. We were both trying to save the scholarship organization a few dollars. Many of us had 100% scholarships (hotel, travel), which is the only way I can attend anything. The second day of the conference it was obvious she wanted to be alone...not unusual for her. I have already ensured her that in Feb...next conference date...I will room alone...as I usually do. Not by choice, but because the others I know have spouses or carepartners who attend with them...neither of which I have...and my daughter would never "find the time" to go with me.

My almost 7-yr-old grandson, whom I pick up from school three times a week, entered the car this afternoon saying, "Why are you here today? You are the meanest grandma." Which of course I am not, he had just spent five days with his mother, who is a wimp...my oldest daughter. I had to spend six hours trying as hard as I could to hold back my tears...almost successfully. My son in law is home on Monday's working in his home-office (a college professor), so my grandson relishes is torturing me with, "I'm going to tell Dad." To which my usual response is, "Go right ahead." The kids had 1/2 day today, so pick up was after lunch, rather than 3:15pm.

Spent most of my evening just sitting an staring at the TV, not really watching it. How can I know so many people and still be so soul-aching lonely? The phone doesn't ring...rarely a message when I return home. No email to speak of, unless it is sent to a Yahoo group that I am part of and have been for seven years.

I am AS ALWAYS broke again this month. Disability income doesn't go a long way most of the time. Have two RXs I need to refill...don't have the $12. Need gas in my car...no money for that either. Peanut butter and jelly for a couple of weeks ahead...ugh!...not a way to LIVE. I suppose I should be grateful I have even that.

I hate life. I hate living it...every single of my 58 years have been unenjoyable. It is far too hard most of the time. I am tired of being tired. I just want it all to go away, but it doesn't!! I would run away and hide, but I have no where to go, and gosh-darn, no gas for the car. If I did, I have always envisioned driving until the gas runs out and then wander in to a forest or someplace similar and just disappear! Sit down under a tree, go to sleep and never wake up. Sounds so very appealing. Heck, I have a whole list of things/ways I could...I have spent every years since 1985 compiling my list.

So here I sit, venting and complaining. How is it that people go through life being happy...happy is an illusion...I don't believe it exists.

((((finestitcher)))) i'm so sorry the world is so hard on you. i know it hurts.

(((((( finestitcher ))))))

I would enjoy talking with you about anything you like,loneliness is the worst...it seems as though so many people are! I know what thats like. im me if you like

I'm going to say something quite simplistic and possibly silly. But I'lls ay it anywhere becasue the slightest chance of being helpful is well worth the possibility of being rebuffed.

GET SELFISH!
I really think you should find out what pleases YOU, and then pursue it. It may be your scientific interests, and you may get in touch woth people sharing teh same interests. You may meet old pals... And then is YOUR income really inadequate to YOUR needs? Or you are helping others too much?
I don't know the full picture, but my advice goes in this direction.

I agree. It sounds like you aren't being thanked at all for the sacrifices you've made to help your family. I find venting helps release some of the load.

I'd like to say thank you for holding the fabric of our society together. Weren't these supposed to be the golden years? It's so not fair.

Get Selfish...I tried that just last week...seeking a ride to the train station on Wed and return on Sat. No go!

Income, yes it is inadequate...I was sitting in my car just today thinking about giving up my car and the car payment I can't afford...then returning to riding the county para/senior transport, but I don't think I am really ready to do that. But, I can't complain too loud about income. My daughter and her husband own my townhouse and I pay a portion of the mortgage, which I do appreciate them doing.

Atlon...thanks for the offer, but I am not a spiritual person to begin with. Been there, done that.

Stephan, you said "I really think you should find out what pleases YOU, and then pursue it. It may be your scientific interests, and you may get in touch woth people sharing the same interests." I am already involved in the Parkinson's disease community in just this way. My scholarship was based on this involvement.

As I said in the beginning, just venting...once in a while I do need to holler a bit and know someone is listening. I am not out of the woods depression-wize this week , but I am coming along. See Dr.Jim on Thursday. There I can truly vent.

Thank you all for listening and commenting. It is always helpful.

I do believe in my signature quote, but just as many of us, I can dish it out...helping, etc...I just can't always live it!