[abusedtoy]

Even though I am still breathing and alive, but I told my T that I died at the age of 15. Literally. Completely fragmented. The emptiness was felt beyond a void that is extremely profound, indescribably vast and maximal. It was not just a feeling, it was literally death. Her spirit went away out of the physical body powerfully, what can we say, we cannot really feel her presence in this body anymore. There is no sign of life beyond the age of 15, and me, Alice, has come to replace the core and to continue our journey. Her spiritual death was as real as the touch of the skin. She died without anyone noticing it. Imagine that each incident of trauma experienced was a stab in the heart, overtime it created deep emotional wounds, invisible yet as real as physical wounds. She then bled and died after being stabbed repetitively. The traumas felt were extremely excruciating. We can feel pain physically, yet psychologically, we can also feel pain, but emotional pain is worse, because it echoes through time and space.

My T said - she asked me where is this part of me; where did this little girl has gone after I told her I died at 15, even though I am still alive and breathing. She asked where is she now, where is this little girl is now. Is there a part of her that want to tell me where is she right now?

[DowdyTheFifth]

I think I understand your pain, I went through my first episode of Psychotic Depression when I was 15, and I kept on wondering if I was the same person as I was before. I wonder how I had forgotten the way I acted just 8 months prior. And with my current episode of Psychotic Depression, I struggle to understand if the way I'm acting now is the same way that I was acting just a few months back before I started college.

I hope you start to feel better.

[FallDuskTrain]

I agree. It is a very scary stage to process. Similar transition happened to me when I was 13. I had tried to take my life away but survived. And that incident was followed by other traumas.
Honestly, I have been under the impression that this death and injury of spirit happens to majority of the teenagers and that it is not a big deal (may be the society made me believe that. ? )
I am now 40 years old and the death and rebirth have become a second nature to my spirit.
It is a very scary and a lonely process.

[Carmina]

Coincidentally I posted a poem just a few days ago about having also died inside in my early teens:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/crea...ml#post5891546

You are not alone in experiencing this

[WishIWereAStone]

Interesting, I have stated before something similar, but the boy I was died at age 11 when I became physically disabled. All of his dreams, his future, his possibilities gone and I was left behind to carry on.

[Fuzzybear]

I don’t know what being alive is really like, with so many ways to live life.
I... am not well. I have lots of anger inside. I have times where I want to justify it. I am either an angry molten fury inside, or fragments of a soul seeking resonance.
My soul has been shattered and devalued at home.
I am becoming more skeptical of the concept of “soul” as people put others down so they can stay or rise up

[Rincad]

I'm sorry that you died at 15. I'm sure she would love for you to carry on and experience the things she hasn't. We are here to support you here if you ever need any support. I hope that therapy works out of you and that you get better.

[abusedtoy]

Originally Posted by DowdyTheFifth

I think I understand your pain, I went through my first episode of Psychotic Depression when I was 15, and I kept on wondering if I was the same person as I was before. I wonder how I had forgotten the way I acted just 8 months prior. And with my current episode of Psychotic Depression, I struggle to understand if the way I'm acting now is the same way that I was acting just a few months back before I started college.

I hope you start to feel better.

I see that you are new to here, is it? I too am a newcomer. Thank you for your comforting words, DTF. I am glad that both of us can relate to this, which is beyond mere feeling, but it is REAL. I also have Psychotic Depression. I would see a place that is not supposed to be there, but then it is there that others cannot see since I was 15, especially, until now. A lot of the times that it continued on a daily basis, so much that I feel I belong to this other place than in reality. The number of places have increased overtime too. I have read your post in the psychosis section as I do recall also. I am so sorry to hear of your nightmarish horrors that you have to live with everyday. It sure is frightening.

[abusedtoy]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

I agree. It is a very scary stage to process. Similar transition happened to me when I was 13. I had tried to take my life away but survived. And that incident was followed by other traumas.
Honestly, I have been under the impression that this death and injury of spirit happens to majority of the teenagers and that it is not a big deal (may be the society made me believe that. ? )
I am now 40 years old and the death and rebirth have become a second nature to my spirit.
It is a very scary and a lonely process.

You are not alone, FDT. I am so sorry to hear about your suicide attempt and the traumas that followed after that, but am so glad that you have survived.

The way I describe about my death is a death caused by trauma, while yes, I do agree that teenagers kind of develop their sense of identity and personalities in this changing stage, though, it would not be a death caused by trauma...

So, I died 7 years ago when I was 15. It was beyond just "feeling", but it is extremely profound, indescribably vast and maximal the emptiness within me, the pain beyond overwhelming, in sheer agony, the heart, the spirit broke apart and bled and died. Just as there is a "physical death", there is a "spiritual death", so just as there is "physical pain and trauma" there is also "spiritual pain and trauma" or "emotional pain and trauma". Again, it can be FELT. She was dead, never can be revived.

[abusedtoy]

Originally Posted by Rincad

I'm sorry that you died at 15. I'm sure she would love for you to carry on and experience the things she hasn't. We are here to support you here if you ever need any support. I hope that therapy works out of you and that you get better.

Thank you Rincad for your comforting words.

She has tried all sorts of distractions. She tried to pretend that she was on the high of her life, thinking that all was well. But, it was only temporal. The pain is always there, no matter how much she distracted herself in consuming her time into daily tasks to distract from the trauma. There is a part of us, where we would have a repetitive drowning process, there is a dying cycle that goes on and on again. This is a depersonalised experience, where the system within us repeats what has occurred on the outside, by seeing a place that is not there around us, heading sound that do not belong to reality (psychotic sometimes). This occurs around the time she died. This is just the remainder of her, I guess.