[MtnTime2896]

I stay alive for people who tell me they want to die.

Only one of them know the extent of my own issues regarding this topic. And she also struggles with severe depression, anxiety and SI. Even then, I don't tell her everything.

I have a T and pdoc. I don't tell my T everything and my pdoc knows next to nothing.

It's not their fault that when they tell me they want to die, I can't help but think, "I'm only alive because you asked me to." I hate thinking that because I need to be there and present to listen (help if I can). So, I pull myself up by my bootstraps, slap on a "positive" attitude and stow my ****. It's what I do. And I just take in everything they tell me.

I've done this for a long time. Yet, lately, I can't do it sober. That can mean drinking, getting high etc.. It's like in order for me to accept that my friends and some family are hurting this way, I have to get a little help. Why am I like this? They're hurting and I can barely stow my **** like I need to.

I hate myself for thinking this way. It's selfish. I'm selfish and I hate it.

(Not about anyone on PC)

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

You are not selfish.

You are human. Not only that - you are kind and caring. So much so you are putting others before yourself. That's an endearing quality very few people (and not even one selfish person) have these days. The fact you can't do it sober does not make you selfish. It means you are taking on more than you should - yet you are doing so willingly. That's both admirable and foolish. Admirable on how deeply you care for others. Foolish that you don't care for yourself as much as you do others.

Be good to yourself.

❤

[cryingontheinside]

I can't see anything selfish about what you have written. What stops you from telling your therapist more about how you are feeling ?

[MickeyCheeky]

There's absolutely nothing selfish in what you're doing. In fact it's quite the opposite - you're not taking enough care of yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

I don’t think you’re selfish

[MtnTime2896]

They need me and I keep having to escape. That's where I'm selfish.

I can't talk about things. Maybe I don't want to, but every time I think I'm ready, my mind just doesn't allow it.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

They need me and I keep having to escape. That's where I'm selfish.

I can't talk about things. Maybe I don't want to, but every time I think I'm ready, my mind just doesn't allow it.

You need you too. That does not make you selfish. Reach out if you need to. Write things down. Scream. Journal. Cry. Stomp your feet. Throw pillows around the room. Do whatever you need.

You keep talking about selfish - there is nothing selfish in making sure you are healthy enough to be there for them. That's what your body is trying to tell you. Listen to it. Keep being there for them if you want - but be there for you too!

❤

[Lillybet]

You sound like me. I have just been diagnosed with depression after a horror year of emotional trauma.
I got this way because i was so busy being everything to everybody that i wasnt being me to me.
Be kind to yourself and be honest with your therapist, thats what they are paid for.

[mulan]

I can see where you coming from, that reminds me of some experiences I had. But how further as I can see that is not being selfish.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

That sounds gruelling.

Maybe try not to see this in terms of selfishness or selflessness.

It feels to me like the thing to focus on is that you are not being true to yourself.

You're pretending. You're regularly saying that things are fine when they're not. You're aggressively ignoring the warning signs your body and mind are sending you.

It's a very out of balance state for a psyche to be in.

Rebalancing can only start when you admit the truth.