............

For what it’s worth I agree with PVB....I just didn’t want to say it.

Exactly. I have been abused most my life - even him in past. But this now - it does have some of the tell tale markings of the abuse cycle ... but it also has markings of an abuser trying to do the best he can with no professional help - but putting his all into it. At least, that's how I see it.

I am so sorry you had long term abuse Fuzzy *hugs*
❤

There are some days of relief - like today was more even keel than has been. But yes, I recognize one of us is going to crack if we do not get counseling. That's why I want answers to 2 important questions nobody seems to know.... (and I have never put them on the forum previously but have asked in varying other places)

1. How can I tell if he (as an abuser) is approaching crisis stage .... (So I do not inadvertently step on a land mine I didn't know was there ... But rather just have him evaluated)

2. What states have good mental health care systems that are affordable?

That's it.

But ... The answers I generally get are "forget all that. Its not your job to fix him or even to make sure he gets help. Just leave."

But there are complications with leaving nobody understands either.

If this was a perfect world I would not be stuck trying to balance 10 different scales at once - but it isn't and I am ... and there is nowhere to go for help.

Crypts - I don’t know how shelters work. Did the shelter offer you any resources like providing the name of therapist(s) who specialize in abuse? I was just thinking or wondering if there was a therapist who could help you get answers to these questions you have.

1. I simply don't know. I admitted earlier I'm out of my depth here. I hope somebody on these forums knows something about this topic or has knowledge of resources of some kind on such things.

2. Honestly, I've been stuck on finding the "good" part myself (in Canada here, but I hear the same pretty much everywhere). But there's got to be somebody/something out there that would be a good match for me.

For you -- I just don't know. But is NAMI of any use to you? I've seen that *Laurie* ( https://forums.psychcentral.com/member.php?u=350414 ) is involved with them. She might be able to point you to something.

NAMI is a resourceful site but I got aggravated looking for answers about that on there when I tried before. I may try again after awhile, I don't know.

Crypts, just on point 1..... I'm also not qualified to say.
I've been biting my tongue on this one...
OK. As a child of what used to be called a 'battered woman', I've paid a lot of attention to these issues most of my life.

My opinion: If you can't say for sure that he's safe, then he's dangerous.

Here's my thing with that -

I have stages when it comes to suicidality
1. I start thinking how it would be better if I were dead (no plans, no thoughts of making plans - just thoughts of how much better things would be)
2. I start forming ideas - no real thought of carrying them out, but whimsical ideas bc I still care what others feel.
3. I start making serious plans and no longer care what others think because I feel nobody cares about me anyway.
4. Attempt

It isn't until I get to stage 3 I am in crisis - but all stages are unsafe however not all will cause death. What I need to know is the indicators of "crisis".

Does that make sense?

It does.

I did understand what you were asking. You're thinking of how a crisis team goes about evaluating clients. I'm in no way qualified to even guess at those things.

Bear in mind, though. Crisis teams devised these protocols and procedures because they have to have some way of handling complex and largely chaotic situations.

Forgive me for being dramatic.... but thousands of women in the US die at the hands of their partner each year (I'll go check this figure and amend this if necessary).

If you are like the UK, about 20% of those women will have asked for help!

So 20% of those crisis teams failed the women who went to them.

So, I'm just trying to say... it seems to me that trying to predict a violent attack might not be like assessing other psych issues.

I know n understand the statistics. I have studied them as well as quoted them. However - I know what is best for my situation. What is best is to have knowledge statistics cannot provide me nor the basic abuse guidelines. This is not my first go round with abuse. It has been my the majority of my life. I left once. It did me no good. That was not because of me but because the system failed me. I won't do it again. Now I will do things according to knowledge. I am trying to get answers. If you don't have the answers it is fine, I understand - but giving me information I already know will not change my mind on how I see my situation.

I am not trying to sound rude or hateful or even angry and I am sorry if I come across that way. I know you care and I care about you as well. I simply cannot put myself through something horrendous again though. Right now it is not critical - but I need to know what is before it gets there.

You don't go on a long road trip and not know what the signs of a flat tire or over heated engine are and what to do about them, right? Same thing. I want to know - to be ready.

And actually - it is - because there are underlying psychological traumas and/or disorders with any abuser.

Do you think a therapist who specializes in abuse or another woman who has had that experience might be good choices to get those questions answered? Did you say you were with him before and left due to abuse? Can you remember what some of those crisis indicators were? Is this pattern the same as the first time?

That's the thing Jennifer - what he is doing now is much more tame in comparison n he never owned up to it before. So no, its not the same. I left him before bc it was so dangerous n bc I thought I had somewhere to go. Right now I am trying to figure out the crisis stages bc he has never been this "gentle" when in abuse stages before which is what indicates to me he sincerely is trying to "get better".

Therapy is a no go here for 2 reasons:
1. He doesn't trust it so cannot get him to go but even if only I went
2. We want to move to another state so we can get to a place with good mental health care where he can feel safe - and we can't do that if we don't save $ .. We are both on disability so that is hard anyway

I have no friends irl not bc he has isolated me but bc I do not like these ppl n they do not like me.

So - I am trying what I know ... Sorry

Goodness...don’t apologize. I’m sorry that you’re going through this turmoil and I’m just trying to find ways to ease your distress.

I hope you don't think I am angry at you or etc I am not - like I said I am just tired of upsetting ppl

I don’t think you’re angry with me and you aren’t upsetting me. If you did get angry with me, I would sincerely apologize and we’d move on. I care about you and about your situation.

Crypts,
Pardon me here, but that man isn't smart enough to know the gem sitting in the same room. I think you a r e a smart, caring person. I can tell this by reading your responses to posters here. I miss you when I see that you haven't posted in awhile. You have a certain wisdom that I truly admire.

Thank you so much ❤
That is very sweet n kind of you to say!
You made my day ❤