Just another journal entry

I feel very stuck and very scared. I have been doing worse since December and I have found very little strength to stop this journey to rock bottom; and I am angry at myself for letting it happen.
I got no motivation. I need motivation.
I need hope. I need purpose.
I need my nightmares to stop.
I need youth. I am 40 years old and I feel like my life is over and that there isn’t much time left.
Everyone finally moves on... and I.... I continue aging at the same exact place where I was five years ago.
I need love. I need to be loved.
I need to stop being hunted by my past. I need this grief to stop eating me alive.
I need to get out of bed.
I have to remain functional otherwise I will be on the street. I have no one to rely on.
I am very scared and stuck.
I fear that I will die alone... I fear that I will die alone on the streets, with ravens having me for breakfast.
I have been on my own for so long... I am exhausted.
I need a vacation. I haven’t had a vacation, ever.
I need motivation.
I need to find my self worth. I need to find my old self. I used compete in weightlifting competitions, run marathons.... and now, it is a miracle if I make it to the gym every week.
I need motivation to live. I need motivation to embrace wisdom and suffering.
I need to be more resilient. Above all, I need to be more grateful. I need to appreciate what I have. I need to be thankful. Bur, I cannot.
I need to be loved.
I am very scared and very stuck. It is so very cold.
I am suffering. It hurts so very much. I forgot joy. I have not had or felt joy for a very long time.

Thanks for reading,
FallDuskTrain

Take a good log vacation, and while you are enjoying it, say hello to Raven for me!

FallDT, My heart is raining for you. Your post above was and is me. I am older than you, but 10 years ago a trauma forced me to leave my job and state for my protection. I was a successful IT professional and an avid outdoor lover of mountains, valleys, rivers and oceans. Adventure traveler extraordinaire. I have been unable to support myself for the past 8 years and finally exhausted my retirement savings 1 year ago. I've been fighting for my disability for over 8 years and I'm still fighting. I feel your pain in this journal post every single day.

Love and the importance of it in healing has been swirling around in my mind a couple of days. LOVE and LAUGHTER are both healing in a medicinal way that is magical. I have known love and it's great power in my life. I just haven't had enough. Fear and my severe trust issues are my greatest barriers in handing over my heart to give love a try. I am learning that when I acknowledge a gratitude I am able to give myself permission to love myself. It's a start and at least I tried. Sending you healing energy today in the winds!

This is a sad post but its beautiful at the same time. The rawness of it touches me. Stay strong. Big hugs.

Thank you for understanding. At this point, that is all you or anybody can do.
Thank you for caring.

Thank you for caring, as always.