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#1
Jan 22, 2018, 05:40 PM
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I feel very stuck and very scared. I have been doing worse since December and I have found very little strength to stop this journey to rock bottom; and I am angry at myself for letting it happen.
I got no motivation. I need motivation. I need hope. I need purpose. I need my nightmares to stop. I need youth. I am 40 years old and I feel like my life is over and that there isn’t much time left. Everyone finally moves on... and I.... I continue aging at the same exact place where I was five years ago. I need love. I need to be loved. I need to stop being hunted by my past. I need this grief to stop eating me alive. I need to get out of bed. I have to remain functional otherwise I will be on the street. I have no one to rely on. I am very scared and stuck. I fear that I will die alone... I fear that I will die alone on the streets, with ravens having me for breakfast. I have been on my own for so long... I am exhausted. I need a vacation. I haven’t had a vacation, ever. I need motivation. I need to find my self worth. I need to find my old self. I used compete in weightlifting competitions, run marathons.... and now, it is a miracle if I make it to the gym every week. I need motivation to live. I need motivation to embrace wisdom and suffering. I need to be more resilient. Above all, I need to be more grateful. I need to appreciate what I have. I need to be thankful. Bur, I cannot. I need to be loved. I am very scared and very stuck. It is so very cold. I am suffering. It hurts so very much. I forgot joy. I have not had or felt joy for a very long time. Thanks for reading, FallDuskTrain
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[B]'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.' Last edited by FallDuskTrain; Jan 22, 2018 at 05:57 PM. |
 Anonymous50909, Anonymous50909, Fuzzybear, KYWoman, shakespeare47, Wild Coyote
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 KYWoman, Wild Coyote
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#2
Jan 23, 2018, 03:16 PM
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Take a good log vacation, and while you are enjoying it, say hello to Raven for me!
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| FallDuskTrain
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#3
Jan 23, 2018, 04:12 PM
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FallDT, My heart is raining for you. Your post above was and is me. I am older than you, but 10 years ago a trauma forced me to leave my job and state for my protection. I was a successful IT professional and an avid outdoor lover of mountains, valleys, rivers and oceans. Adventure traveler extraordinaire. I have been unable to support myself for the past 8 years and finally exhausted my retirement savings 1 year ago. I've been fighting for my disability for over 8 years and I'm still fighting. I feel your pain in this journal post every single day.
Love and the importance of it in healing has been swirling around in my mind a couple of days. LOVE and LAUGHTER are both healing in a medicinal way that is magical. I have known love and it's great power in my life. I just haven't had enough. Fear and my severe trust issues are my greatest barriers in handing over my heart to give love a try. I am learning that when I acknowledge a gratitude I am able to give myself permission to love myself. It's a start and at least I tried. Sending you healing energy today in the winds! |
| FallDuskTrain
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#4
Jan 23, 2018, 06:10 PM
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This is a sad post but its beautiful at the same time. The rawness of it touches me. Stay strong. Big hugs.
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| FallDuskTrain, KYWoman
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| FallDuskTrain
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#5
Jan 23, 2018, 06:32 PM
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Quote:
Thank you for caring.
__________________
[B]'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.' |
| KYWoman
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#6
Jan 23, 2018, 06:33 PM
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Quote:
Thank you for caring, as always.
__________________
[B]'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.' |
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