[jacq10]

Yes still.
It's been a year and 1/2 since I've seen this mother figure/old T. I'm going back to visit on the 2nd. I was really excited, but now i can't stop thinking about it, and all the pain is coming back. I'm so scared i'm going to burst into tears the moment i see either of them. And then leaving again .... its just so much.
I feel this ... void, or something deep in my heart, and i'm scared i'm only going to awaken the suppressed pain.
I need so badly their love, and i'm very scared of being rejected of that only once again.
Why is it that once you put yourself out there, that vulneurablity alone is enough to crush you emotionally?
Maybe i'm expecting too much.
Maybe i'm just missing too much.
Maybe I .... I just don't know anymore.



I hope i can find the strength and love that i'm looking for. Enough so that i can be at peace and move on with myself.

[wickedwings]

((((jaq))))

[jacq10]

Thanks ((((((((((wickedwings))))))))))

[Perna]

You can't see the T again? I saw mine after 9 years "away" and it took the first couple years back before I could experience the time away and how I'd longed to be back with her.

[jacq10]

Well no I can see her ... and I will see her ... I'm just on some level scared of how i might feel afterwards is all.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))))))))

[Perna]

Ah, worrying in advance :-) Can you tell her your problem? She might be able to help you with it or suggest something to change the "outcome". I imagine you had the same feelings a year and a half ago and look, you lived through that. It can be painful/difficult but as Nietzsche said, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

Good luck

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))

((((((((perna))))) - I would bring it up with her, but I don't want this to be a "session" when I see her. I was to talk with her and just be friends. See how she's doing and what she's been up to. Also ... I guess i don't want her to know that i'm not doing the best ...

[Christina86]

(((((((((Jacq))))))))))

You'll get through this. It will be hard, but you will. I know you'd regret it if you didn't do this, so I'm glad you're reconnecting - if only for a while. Treasure the time you spend together and tell her what's been happening if you're comfortable... even a bit. She might not be your T anymore, but she at least knows you well enough to offer some friendly advice.

Be good to yourself. I swear I'm contacting you one of these days when I can organize my time more effectively...

Much love.

[jacq10]

Going tomorrow ... ahhhhh!