[paynful]

I am not going to explain this right… but I am strugglingwith how I can’t keep people in my life. I am always and forever alone.
I cannot sustain any relationships. Like…. Any. Not in person and especially long-distance relationships. Not with lovers. Not with family. Not with friends. Not even here on PC. I can only seem to have “causal”interactions. I know how I was raised hashad an impact, but I’m grown now, and I still don’t know how to bridge thatgap.
I like how anonymous PC is. People don’t know me (have no expectations of me), and thus, I canreally be myself. I was on here ahandful of years ago, and even made some memorable and meaningful (at least tome) connections. But I got to the point,where people actually got to know me. Itwas when I felt pressure to deepen the friendships that I panicked. At the time, I was embarrassed that I couldn’tmake any progress on myself and my situation. I guess, it’s when people expect somethingfrom me that I’m not sure I can deliver… I do a complete retreat. I know if they can’t rely on me, that they’llhate me… so I try to walk away before they can (emotionally and/or physically). I don’t know HOW to care so much aboutothers without losing myself.
I don’t know how to “family.” I don’t know how to set boundaries so that mycomfort zone isn’t invaded. I don’t knowhow to deepen a friendship. What do peoplewant? I can listen. I can give advice or an opinion. I can’t fix myself, therefore, I know I can’tfix anyone else. I just don’t know how Iconnect to people, or how to maintain that connection without furthering it tothe point I get disappointed or disappoint the other person.
I guess it’s a detachment issue.. or attachment issue… ormaybe even an abandonment issue. But eitherway, I’m so incredibly sad that I end up pushing people away. I don’t know when I’m doing it, but I canfeel when those people are out of my reach. I don’t know how to mend things once someone doesn’t want me in theirlife anymore. I’m always alone. For the most part, I prefer to be alone… or maybeit’s easier. It’s heartbreaking forme.
How do I connect with someone when I know I can only go farin the relationship? If I know I can’tdeepen or maintain a connection, is there something I can say or do to let themknow to expect more from me (so I don’t lose them from my life entirely)?

[Fuzzybear]

These are great questions, I think many here struggle with detachment/attachment/abandonment issues. Relationships are so complex and I’m certainly not an “expert”. Thanks for your reply to my thread, I wasn’t sure about my rant but I’m glad I did post it If some smart *** (like a certain therapist ) says something sarcastic and mean like “you poor hard done by thing” I either go straight back into my cave or show my teeth.

[marvin_pa]

For this forum at least, you could link to your post above in your signature - it would act as a rider, establishing expectations.

As for the world at large, it's probably best to let those that you trust know that you tend to self-isolate & perhaps, to what degree you may/may not want someone to try to break through that isolation.

[cool09]

Did you connect with people when you were younger? I've had detachment issues since a teen and don't have any deep relationships. When I was young I did and I miss it.

[Wild Coyote]

Yes, friends tend to listen to one another and try to empathize. Yet, they cannot "fix" each other. We are here to help each other through the tough times and to celebrate the good times.

Often times, difficulties with allowing people to become closer to us has a lot to do with our self-esteem. We may be concerned about what others may see if they get closer to us.

I hope you can work on this with the help of a therapist. It can be very painful to feel distant from everyone.


WC

[Fuzzybear]

Thinking of you today.. I agree therapy can be helpful, or maybe you could work on this here?

[Smileonmyface]

I can relate to what you write about being isolated. I don't have any friends and struggle to trust and connect with people. It is easier to do so on a place like PC.

[MissCathryn]

Originally Posted by paynful

I am not going to explain this right… but I am strugglingwith how I can’t keep people in my life. I am always and forever alone.
I cannot sustain any relationships. Like…. Any. Not in person and especially long-distance relationships. Not with lovers. Not with family. Not with friends. Not even here on PC. I can only seem to have “causal”interactions. I know how I was raised hashad an impact, but I’m grown now, and I still don’t know how to bridge thatgap.
I like how anonymous PC is. People don’t know me (have no expectations of me), and thus, I canreally be myself. I was on here ahandful of years ago, and even made some memorable and meaningful (at least tome) connections. But I got to the point,where people actually got to know me. Itwas when I felt pressure to deepen the friendships that I panicked. At the time, I was embarrassed that I couldn’tmake any progress on myself and my situation. I guess, it’s when people expect somethingfrom me that I’m not sure I can deliver… I do a complete retreat. I know if they can’t rely on me, that they’llhate me… so I try to walk away before they can (emotionally and/or physically). I don’t know HOW to care so much aboutothers without losing myself.
I don’t know how to “family.” I don’t know how to set boundaries so that mycomfort zone isn’t invaded. I don’t knowhow to deepen a friendship. What do peoplewant? I can listen. I can give advice or an opinion. I can’t fix myself, therefore, I know I can’tfix anyone else. I just don’t know how Iconnect to people, or how to maintain that connection without furthering it tothe point I get disappointed or disappoint the other person.
I guess it’s a detachment issue.. or attachment issue… ormaybe even an abandonment issue. But eitherway, I’m so incredibly sad that I end up pushing people away. I don’t know when I’m doing it, but I canfeel when those people are out of my reach. I don’t know how to mend things once someone doesn’t want me in theirlife anymore. I’m always alone. For the most part, I prefer to be alone… or maybeit’s easier. It’s heartbreaking forme.
How do I connect with someone when I know I can only go farin the relationship? If I know I can’tdeepen or maintain a connection, is there something I can say or do to let themknow to expect more from me (so I don’t lose them from my life entirely)?

Hi Paynful

I could have written your post. I have gone from a fairly social person to the person you just described. I feel like there should be a manual or something to help people like us. We literally isolate bc integrating with people is so awkward, nerve wracking, scary, embarassing, etc.

I meet a nice person here and there, we may converse a bit, then I go into isolation mode. Boom! That person, or potential friend, family member or whoever thinks I am a flake or just an a**hole.

I want you to know you are not alone. You aren't the only one.

I wish we could be helped. What can we do?

[paynful]

Originally Posted by cool09

Didyou connect with people when you were younger? I've had detachment issues sincea teen and don't have any deep relationships. When I was young I did and I missit.

Ihave always been this way, in one form or another. I have made friends,been popular, and even been close with some family members. But I'venever been able to sustain these relationships. I’m an introvert with social anxiety.





Asa child, I was very close to a cousin of mine when my Aunt babysat me. I actually felt like part of the family. However, I never knew how to continue the relationshipafter I wasn’t going over to their house every day. It was definitely a wake up call to me that Iwas always just “an afterthought.”





Iguess the best way to describe the relationships that I have been able toestablish would be... like a "tag-along friend." I never give directinvitations to someone, asking them to hang out. It’s never me initiating the interaction. I can be close to people who are in my frontof me by mere happenstance (in school or at work).





I’mnot an outgoing person. I don’t expectpeople to remember, let alone want to spend time with me when they don’t haveto. I get intimidated/mistrusting ofpeople who seem excited to see me. What do they want? Are they making a joke out of me? My witty banter is not a compelling enoughreason, that’s for sure.





Ifeel like as soon as people realize that I won’t give them something or buythem stuff or twist myself into a pretzel to make them happy… they have no use for me. All I want is to enjoy someone’s company whoisn’t a complete ***. Why isn’t thatenough for other people?

[Wilderleaf]

I see myself in a lot of this. It seems to me that you have a default position of not only just not trusting people, but actively mistrusting them. Sure, trust should be earned, but with simple things like seeming excited to see you, it might be best to try to train yourself to give them the benefit of the doubt. Some people might seem excited simply because they haven't seen you in a while. I'm not that way, and you apparently aren't either, but one of the more important things you can accept is that people are vastly different from each other, and what seems outlandish to you may be normal to others.

I've had one close friend my entire life, and I just met them a little less than a year ago. I don't know why it took me so long, but I think it comes down to the fact that we helped each other out with some things, had a good amount in common, and opened up to talk about real things. That last one I've always had problems with, and seems to me to be what cemented our relationship, finding out we had even more in common. One of the things we've talked about is pretty much this exact topic, and by talking about it and other things, we became closer. They live in another country, and it's possible I'll never even meet them in person, but even without that, opening up to them was probably the best thing I ever did.

Some people might actually have some selfish motivation for seeming happy to see you, but I think in most cases it's more likely that's just how a lot of people respond when they see someone they know, especially if they haven't seen you in a while. If you start giving people the benefit of the doubt more often, I think you'll eventually find someone who's trustworthy, who you can talk to about some of these things, who will reciprocate, and you can both be yourselves, and rather than feeling pressure to continue or deepen the friendship, it will just feel natural. That's been my experience, at least, in my extensive history of having one close friend. :P