[happles]

Well, let's see... I've lost pretty much all of my friends, as in the friends I hung out with. People still talk to me at school, but they don't really matter to me.

I'm failing school, for the last 6 years I've just been getting by. This is my last year in high school and my only motivation to get up and go in the morning is my parents who I don't want to disappoint, but I already have. They had high hopes for me as did I, but that all went away. Now they just want me to get my grade 12.

I've been using drugs for the last 2 years... mostly just pot, but I've tried other stuff as well. My mom has caught me on several occasions, and even once told me that if I smoke in the house I'm getting kicked out... I kept doing it and she never kicked me out, but I did promise to stop. Except the very next day at school I smoked a joint with 2 other guys. I'd probably still smoke in the house (outside) too if I had money or weed.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I had everything I could have possibly asked for, but it's my personality to prevent people from getting close to me, and actually hating me in the end. (I just recently lost my best friend too because of a combination of drifting apart and pissing each other off, and I don't really want to mend things either.)

Oh, and I applied to a bunch of places to try to get a job, and it's been 3 weeks now and no one has even called me.

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome to PC happles. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad right now. Depression can make you feel so aweful. Is there someone you can talk to at school such as a counselor? Or maybe you could see a t or a pdoc? Depression is not something you can just will away. I hope you find some help. You are always welcome here. We understand how you are feeling.

BB

[happles]

My counselor wouldn't really be able to help. They're only concerned about school performance, I don't think she's competent enough to handle stuff like this. My counselor actually told me I looked really pale once, and that is how I normally look. So I'd rather not.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( happles ))))))))))))))

[happles]

I really appreciate the fantastic advice from you guys.

I'm now well on my way out of this depression. It's so great you didn't give me something useless like parenthesis signifying a hug or something. Because that would be stupid.

Once again, thanks for all your help...

[nowheretorun]

hey happles...

when someone gives you a set of parenthesis surrounded by your name they are giving you a hug... we can't give you a physical hug, this is how we express caring and heart-felt good wishes... there is nothing stupid about wishing someone who hurts a little kindness...

so you use pot to feel better? maybe you don't feel like yourself when you smoke it... what is it about yourself that is so un-appealing?

pot is not an answer... it's an escape...

only by critical self-examination can you begin to understand the nature of your self-defeating behaviour..

so you didn't get an answer from three apps.. are you going to give up... aren't you a little young to say there's no use to anything... what else have you tried...

inside all of us, including you, is someone the world desperately needs.. everywhere is pain and heartache... smoking pot does not lead to world peace... it only leads to lung cancer and a bad memory...

i'm not sure what your angle was bout parenthetic hugs, but i for one would appreciate a little more thoughtfulness on your part if you meant what i think you meant... i give hugs often and maybe you meant i am stupid...

i hope not...

but that aside, i think you will find that despite a few insults there are kind and loving people in these forums who aren't easily thwarted in their attempts and sincere efforts to care for others here... you could easily be included... do yourself a favor, don't disclude yourself from this lifeline... someday you may wish you hadn't... if you continue to do so soon you will find only closed doors behind you and fewer who are willing to open theirs...

(((((((((((((((happles))))))))))) best of luck...

[happles]

To start this off, I started using pot as a form of recreation, not to escape from my depression because a long time ago when I had friends and I was happy I still smoked pot, mostly as a social thing.

Now for your statement of it causing lung cancer and bad memory, my retentive capacity is as good as it always was, and there are no cases saying that it does cause lung cancer, so please don't say things you haven't even researched on.

Here's what I've tried, I've put up with school, and I still am by doing as much work as I can do, and even extra curricular activities. I even worked this weekend. I worked for 12 hours on Saturday.

I hate myself because I have a ****** relationship with my parents that I can't seem to fix, and I hate myself because I have no close friends. I am such a disappointment to myself and my parents and there's no way I can fix that now, I've already dug myself into a hole too deep and all I can hope for now is some crap job after school with low wages, if I even make it that far.

And on top of all of this people think I look like a crack head because I always have dark circles under my eyes. Even if I go for months without smoking and get lots of sleep, I can't seem to get rid of them.

[nowheretorun]

alright, lets start over...

nice to meet you happles... sorry things aren't so good for you right now... any ideas what has lead to this depression?

sometimes we start sliding slowly and barely notice the downhill slope til one day we look up and realise our friends are missing, our family is fading, our sense of self-worth and self identity has disappeared...

since your retentive capacity is perfect, besides smoking pot and a few recreational drugs, can you think of any other contributors?

the teen mind is a fragile thing... not for everyone, but i've read studies that show these are critical years... the mind is still in development and for some, not all, but some, the introduction of drugs and alcohol creates a gap in the development process... something a pdoc could explain better...

i'm no psych and neither are those who responded to you originally... only caring souls... we are a support community, not a community of specialists...

maybe you can't fix everything that's suddenly slipped by the way as quickly as you'd like... but with time and effort you can regain your self-esteem, re-establish your prior relationship with your parents, find meaningful work...

i apologize for my earlier tone... fuzzy is a dear friend of mine... i hope you understand...

[happles]

I don't know what other contributors you are talking about. If you're referring to abusing other substances, no I haven't done anything else.

Last year when I failed 2 courses, my first time ever failing any school. Was because I took a class higher than I was ready to work for, and I was sick for almost 3 months. I almost died from an allergic reaction.

This year I'm failing almost all of my courses because I'm missing too much school. I'm starting to go again these past few weeks because I want to succeed. But it's starting to get really hard to motivate myself.

[nowheretorun]

thank you Happles, thanks for giving this old jerk another chance... i really am not like what you met last nite at all.. well, sometimes at work, well sometimes i guess i obviously am..

ok, so at your young age and in the recent past some experiences have shook the rug beneath you... i want to emphasize that a temporary occurance and condition does not have to stretch into all the rest of your life..

you've reached out and the earnesty in your words comes thru...

i can relate to some things you've said but instead of giving you my story.. i want to make this about you, your question, your issues...

first maybe cut yourself some slack.. at your young age and continuing through life you will face obstacles and more than once be disappointed in your own performance... please don't take it so hard on yourself.. everyone fails at something sometime...

you set yourself some high standards and til then you achieved your goals... when a cowboy falls from his horse he stands up, dusts himself off and promises himself to try again, learn, and continue on, stronger for the lesson...

[happles]

Unless that cowboy falls off the horse and breaks his spine. How does he dust himself off if he has no use of his hands?

[stefano]

In my opinion, you are assuming too much. You assume that your counselor is useless, that everybody hates you (including those at the jobs you happlied for, who never met you).
Are you depressed or do you have a nasty personality? It takes a doctor to answer this, unless you will assume that you already know it and that docs are all jerks.

Even now, you are asking advice but you are rejecting all of them, assuming that the people are not smart enough. It would be good if you could listen what others actually tell you when addressed (and not what you assume they say behind your back).

[nowheretorun]

stefano makes a good point... try responding to negative what-if? scenarios with a positive what if?

what if he became a riding coach?, scorekeeper?, writer?

still rootin' for ya