[MtnTime2896]

In the end, it's always going to come down to me. I know that and have known that for a long time. Some terrible **** happened, but there's nothing I can do about that now. I can't change it and I can't forget it. I'm left with what feels like a shell. But it still comes down to me. Whether damage was done by myself or others, I'm the only one who can fix it. That fact doesn't comfort me. After all, why should it when I'm the one who doesn't even want to try? For myself, that is. The things I'm willing to do for the people I love doesn't really have a lot of restrictions. Yes, for them I want to be better. That's a battle in itself.

I feel like I'm rambling, probably because I am. My existence is ever wavering, like always. At this point I'm a broken record. "I don't want to live anymore." No ****, leigheas. Say something people don't already know. In fact, toughen up buttercup. Lift your head, puff your chest and move the **** on. Stop being such a *****. Grow up.

"I don't need the courage to work, I want the strength to quit."

I'm sick with something right now, which isn't helping my mood. Could just be some kind of infection or whatever but I really don't care. Today, whenever anyone tries to talk to me, I just get irrationally pissed off. I don't know why other people acknowledging my presence has this effect on me right now. I'm keeping quiet, pretending nothing's wrong, but it gets even worse when they show affection. Try to give me a hug and I have to supress the urge to shout and even possibly get violent. It isn't all of the time, in fact most of the time I don't care, but I've been having bouts of irritability like this over the course of a month. I don't know why.

Alright, enough of me whining like a child. I might delete all of this. I mean, what's the point in keeping it up? **** it all. **** life. **** all of this **** in my head. **** those bastards who did this to me. And **** me for becoming just as pathetic as they always said I was.

There you go life. You win. Now ****ing finish me off.

[marvin_pa]

If I'm reading your username right, it's Gaelic for comfort/luxury of healing - that's what I'd wish that you'll receive.

I also get internally irritable, if I feel out of sorts, but very, very few people recognise this & occasionally get barked at - probably, without ever understanding why...

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I feel like I'm rambling, probably because I am. My existence is ever wavering, like always. At this point I'm a broken record. "I don't want to live anymore." No ****, leigheas. Say something people don't already know. In fact, toughen up buttercup. Lift your head, puff your chest and move the **** on. Stop being such a *****. Grow up.

You know it's always okay to vent here.

No idea if this helps you, but in my experience "toughening up" is a hugely counter-productive strategy for this stuff. That's for the usual tribulations, not severe distress. I find it doesn't give strength and calm, but belittles and berates yourself. But I know how tempting it is. I'm sorry everything is so awful. In my opinion it's more "grown up" to find a more gentle way while still pushing yourself forward. I'm still working on that myself.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Today, whenever anyone tries to talk to me, I just get irrationally pissed off. I don't know why other people acknowledging my presence has this effect on me right now. I'm keeping quiet, pretending nothing's wrong, but it gets even worse when they show affection. Try to give me a hug and I have to supress the urge to shout and even possibly get violent. It isn't all of the time, in fact most of the time I don't care, but I've been having bouts of irritability like this over the course of a month. I don't know why.

Well, possibly completely unrelated, but ....

That can happen to me when I'm in a terrible hurting mood. It's like, "Don't interrupt me! Can't you see I'm busy ruminating on this horrific mood? I don't *want* to feel better right now! I need to ineffectually wallow in this! [Snarl, Snap]" Not very rational of course. But, you know -- emotions.

Withdrawing, isolating, snapping at people -- unfortunately all pretty common for depression and severe emotional distress. I know your situation is complicated and you're doing the medication and therapy. I wish I had something more useful to say.

[cryingontheinside]

Sorry that you are having such a difficult time . You helped me when I was struggling . I wish I could be more useful . I'm not good at this . I don't always know what to say. Thinking of you , sending positive thoughts

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by marvin_pa

I also get internally irritable, if I feel out of sorts, but very, very few people recognise this & occasionally get barked at - probably, without ever understanding why...

Exactly. And then I end up feeling guilty non-stop afterwards because I know they didn't deserve that. On top of that, I have a real problem with playing the situation over and over in my head even years after it happened, with everytime it plays over I feel fresh guilt all over again. And then people wonder why I "isolate" and shut myself away. I just don't want to hurt them and then uncontrollably obsess over it later.

If I'm reading your username right, it's Gaelic for comfort/luxury of healing - that's what I'd wish that you'll receive.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

[Fuzzybear]

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by CepheidVariable

You know it's always okay to vent here.

No idea if this helps you, but in my experience "toughening up" is a hugely counter-productive strategy for this stuff. That's for the usual tribulations, not severe distress. I find it doesn't give strength and calm, but belittles and berates yourself. But I know how tempting it is. I'm sorry everything is so awful. In my opinion it's more "grown up" to find a more gentle way while still pushing yourself forward. I'm still working on that myself.

Well, possibly completely unrelated, but ....

That can happen to me when I'm in a terrible hurting mood. It's like, "Don't interrupt me! Can't you see I'm busy ruminating on this horrific mood? I don't *want* to feel better right now! I need to ineffectually wallow in this! [Snarl, Snap]" Not very rational of course. But, you know -- emotions.

Withdrawing, isolating, snapping at people -- unfortunately all pretty common for depression and severe emotional distress. I know your situation is complicated and you're doing the medication and therapy. I wish I had something more useful to say.

What you said pretty much sums it up. I can be sick with anything and I get snippy over taking care of it. I don't know why. I just wish that people didn't push so much when I get like this. It's hard enough as is without people deciding, "Hey, let's have this serious discussion about something that always gets us to argue anyway, while you're telling me that you can't deal with this right now." I just need some space and I don't think I'm asking for too much there.

Being honest, I haven't been medicated for nearly three months. I've finally started adjusting to it, though unsuccessful at times (obviously), and making it my 'normal' again. Not being medicated really isn't by choice. I can't afford the meds and insurance is refusing to cover it. Therapy has been a bust, as of late. I'm sort of at odds with my T over a diagnosis he wants to label me with, and I don't agree with it.

I'm realizing more and more that my irritability and irrationality have gotten increasingly worse without my medication. I've also noticed that I'm less inclined to do anything about it the more it continues. It's just like, what's the point, you know? Nothing's going to improve. I think I've "improved" as much as I'm mentally capable and this is where I land.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Sorry that you are having such a difficult time . You helped me when I was struggling . I wish I could be more useful . I'm not good at this . I don't always know what to say. Thinking of you , sending positive thoughts

Honestly, knowing that I helped you helps me some. You're always welcome to PM me, whether it's just to talk or you feel yourself getting really down again, I'm here. Thank you for being here, too.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Thanks, Fuzzy.

[marvin_pa]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Exactly. And then I end up feeling guilty non-stop afterwards because I know they didn't deserve that. On top of that, I have a real problem with playing the situation over and over in my head even years after it happened, with everytime it plays over I feel fresh guilt all over again. And then people wonder why I "isolate" and shut myself away. I just don't want to hurt them and then uncontrollably obsess over it later.


I appreciate that. Thank you.

Ah, ruminations - yeah, I know well how that plays out (to exhaustion and beyond). You later write that you've been off meds for some time, so the one thing I would say, is that for me at least, the meds really helped reduce the amount of time that I now spend ruminating - still do it, but I can now usually settle on "Ah well, screwed-up again" and then move on before entering the infinite negative feedback loop of doom.

The snappish outbreaks are one of those thiings almost impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't been there themselves, but if I sense that I've really confused/upset someone (who didn't deserve it), I try to later let them know that they caught me at a bad moment.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

In the end, it's always going to come down to me. I know that and have known that for a long time. Some terrible **** happened, but there's nothing I can do about that now. I can't change it and I can't forget it. I'm left with what feels like a shell. But it still comes down to me. Whether damage was done by myself or others, I'm the only one who can fix it. That fact doesn't comfort me. After all, why should it when I'm the one who doesn't even want to try? For myself, that is. The things I'm willing to do for the people I love doesn't really have a lot of restrictions. Yes, for them I want to be better. That's a battle in itself.

I feel like I'm rambling, probably because I am. My existence is ever wavering, like always. At this point I'm a broken record. "I don't want to live anymore." No ****, leigheas. Say something people don't already know. In fact, toughen up buttercup. Lift your head, puff your chest and move the **** on. Stop being such a *****. Grow up.

"I don't need the courage to work, I want the strength to quit."

I'm sick with something right now, which isn't helping my mood. Could just be some kind of infection or whatever but I really don't care. Today, whenever anyone tries to talk to me, I just get irrationally pissed off. I don't know why other people acknowledging my presence has this effect on me right now. I'm keeping quiet, pretending nothing's wrong, but it gets even worse when they show affection. Try to give me a hug and I have to supress the urge to shout and even possibly get violent. It isn't all of the time, in fact most of the time I don't care, but I've been having bouts of irritability like this over the course of a month. I don't know why.

Alright, enough of me whining like a child. I might delete all of this. I mean, what's the point in keeping it up? **** it all. **** life. **** all of this **** in my head. **** those bastards who did this to me. And **** me for becoming just as pathetic as they always said I was.

There you go life. You win. Now ****ing finish me off.

Yes live for us. Your courage and never give up attitude gives me courage and hope too.

Your anger and irritability may be due to your anti-depressant. Please talk to your psych doc. He may need to reduce the dose, change it, stop it or augment it with a mood stabilizer and/or an anti-psychotic. If your present psych doc is not willing to listen to you see others till you're prescribed the meds that suit you.

Hugs to you.