[Lovethedove]

Bare with me as this will be a bit long...If you don't want to read it or just want to skim, it's fine. Sorry it's so long, I just need to vent to someone. I tried therapy and I don't think it's for me at this point in time as I only feel like talking about the issues in my life here and there not at a certain time of day each week. Thank you for understanding.

First things first I have a chronic illness. Chronic mental and physical exhaustion, I am barely able to do much at all and constantly forced myself to do normal things like just go out to a restaurant or take a walk, it's been tough but my partner got with me knowing this and he loved me regardless, constantly telling me I would get better one day and he will always be there.

Anyway, this man was very loving, down-to-earth, intelligent and an introvert as well as an unfortunately naturally anxious person who lacked self-esteem. I was with him in an extremely loving relationship for nearly 7 years. We were actually insanely perfect in how well matched we were..it was unreal and I never once had to explain myself to him nor did he to me as we just 'got' each other so well. Our conversations were deep as possible and we seemed to be one person. Over the years my chronic illness made me feel worse and worse so it weighed heavily on me making me complain more and making me anxious when I'm not typically an anxious person.

About 6 years in, he started acting REALLY strangely. He started spacing out staring a lot blankly, didn't make jokes, didn't seem to have energy to care for me at all. Like if I was sick with a cold, he would typically tend to me and have the energy for it but this him was unusual. When I injured my leg and had to walk around in crutches on top of my chronic illness, he didn't seem to have energy to care for me and sometimes even walked ahead of me not looking back. When I was upset about the death of a friend, he only said sorry and didn't console me at all. He also told me he felt 'flat' and 'tired' very often and didn't know why. He had tried to adjust his bedtime but it didn't help him feel better. I had told him to see a doctor but he refused. Then it got much worse.. he would come home from work and sit like a zombie on the couch watching the same show, not even touching the remote and he wasn't affectionate. It was VERY odd to me. Completely not himself and out of character. Even his close friend had questioned if he was okay.

Then I was started to FINALLY feel a little better for the first time in years. I had made a breakthrough meditating and doing yoga. But that's the same week he then spontaneously woke up and told me he couldn't be with me anymore because he couldn't support me, it was too much. When I had asked why, he cried and said he didn't know he just felt lost and empty. I asked if it was me and he had said he swore on everything it was definitely not me and that I was perfect.. So I let him go. I know it's weird I didn't fight or cry but I was lying, biting my lip, already dead inside from the words he had said but I wanted to show him I was strong so that maybe he would come back.

Fast forward a month or two and he did come back. I received a text from him saying something like, "I'm so sorry I hope you don't think I'm doing this on purpose, I miss you, I started seeing a therapist I'm getting help now" and he was actually going until he stopped.. then I tried to get him to see a doctor, he still refused saying he didn't believe in anti depressants and wanted to try to feel better by himself.

Fast forward another month and he stopped talking to me yet again and then a month later, started talking again. This time he said he had mental health problems and actually admitted he had depression and wanted to try to feel better. Said he felt numb and that he got nothing out of going out with friends, said distractions by going out often (despite him being an introvert) only slightly helped and it was as if he was watching life happen and not participating in it. He had breakdowns at work and hid in closets crying and hyperventilating. I tried to talk to him more to get a deeper understanding of what was going on but he refused and in fact, backed off more which led him to withdraw from me again. I tried to reel him back in and he kind of came back but then completely left and stopped responding. I only sent two texts asking if he was okay, didn't hear from you, etc but I then stopped as I didn't want to push him away any more. Maybe my lack of texts and the fact I had my own health issues to deal with made him feel like he was a burden to me as he had used that word a few times.

But now a few months have passed but this time I haven't heard from him at all. I know in that micro time-frame, he moved, bought a new car, seems to have event after event piled on his facebook calendar and seems to be hanging out with this one girl who doesn't seem fit for him and it's driving me to feel so sick every day so I have no idea who she is to him or how he could be totally fine now when he was so dead-like. I was giving him time to heal as well as myself, thinking space would be best. It makes me wonder how he could be so miserable for so many months and then just seem fine. I guess I don't know if he's actually fine or not as I haven't spoke to him yet but seeing a photo of him and a girl together made me wonder what is going on.

The thing is, I have checked his social media and he hasn't posted a thing which is kind of unlike him. He's not a social media junkie but he used to post occasionally. Upon checking his youtube, I've noticed he is watching sour stand up comedy that he wouldn't typically find humour in. Like a comedian talking about how you could fall in love with anyone (which I strongly disagree with) and how the perfect relationship doesn't exist, that you should lower your expectations etc. Nothing remotely romantic if he were in a relationship and my heart tells me he's not with anyone, my brain does too I guess as it wouldn't add up...at all but then who is this girl he's with so often? My brain is a mess, my body too. I've had the worst time sleeping in my life for weeks now and I am nearly gone.

Sorry it's so long, thanks for reading my novel. I just needed a place to post this and if you do read and reply, that would mean so much to me. Skimming is okay too since I'd understand! Thank you kindly.

[AbladeintheMeadow]

Hey there

I have read all of your post & wanted to just let you know that I had. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time & for that matter your ex-partner too.

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom. I can say that the symptoms you describe watching your partner at the time go through are similar to symptoms I have experienced during my own battles with depression.

I guess I just wanted to let you know you are heard here & if posting helps get things out of your head that can only be a good thing.

Take good care of yourself. Gentle hugs if you're OK with them.

[Skeezyks]

Well... I did read your whole post... (no skimming.) Unfortunately, having written that, I'm not sure there's really a lot I can offer in the way of suggestions. The two things I know are... there's no way you can know for certain what's going on in your (ex?) bf's mind. And there's also no way you can control what he does... or doesn't do. Ultimately you only have control over yourself. So I think what you may have to do here is to decide how you need to proceed in order to protect yourself as well as to move forward with your life... painful as that may be.

There is a danger here that you will become so entangled in trying to figure out what your bf is thinking, what he's doing, & what that means for the future of your relationship (if anything) that you find it harder-&-harder to let go. At some point, my personal opinion would be, you have to simply make a clean break & move on. There's no way I can say if now is the time though. That may be something you would be better able to work out with the help of a counselor or mental health therapist. I wish you well...

[Lovethedove]

Originally Posted by AbladeintheMeadow

Hey there

I have read all of your post & wanted to just let you know that I had. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time & for that matter your ex-partner too.

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom. I can say that the symptoms you describe watching your partner at the time go through are similar to symptoms I have experienced during my own battles with depression.

I guess I just wanted to let you know you are heard here & if posting helps get things out of your head that can only be a good thing.

Take good care of yourself. Gentle hugs if you're OK with them.

Thank you for reading the entire post and for the warm reply, it really meant a lot to me. I'm sorry you had your own battle with depression as well. He really didn't seem like himself at all..and he had said he didn't feel like himself at all. He was so completely spacey too and not as quick thinking as he always has been.

I had depression for about a month although i never told anyone and I do remember feeling completely empty and he used that term a lot too.. when we were still talking a couple months ago, he did tell me things like if he didn't have events lined up each day, he would feel miserable and that keeping busy was his only escape. The hyperventilating was new too so he had some mental health issue but to disappear has me so lost.

I didn't even know what to do, it's all so hard. Thank you for listening and for the kind words. I wish you well too.

[Lovethedove]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Well... I did read your whole post... (no skimming.) Unfortunately, having written that, I'm not sure there's really a lot I can offer in the way of suggestions. The two things I know are... there's no way you can know for certain what's going on in your (ex?) bf's mind. And there's also no way you can control what he does... or doesn't do. Ultimately you only have control over yourself. So I think what you may have to do here is to decide how you need to proceed in order to protect yourself as well as to move forward with your life... painful as that may be.

There is a danger here that you will become so entangled in trying to figure out what your bf is thinking, what he's doing, & what that means for the future of your relationship (if anything) that you find it harder-&-harder to let go. At some point, my personal opinion would be, you have to simply make a clean break & move on. There's no way I can say if now is the time though. That may be something you would be better able to work out with the help of a counselor or mental health therapist. I wish you well...

Thank you as well for reading the whole thing, means so so much! It's true, I do keep wondering what is going on and that sometimes leads me to try and decipher what different things mean over and over in my head and it has made me crazy but I do feel I'll need to reach out eventually to finally understand what has happened because we were actually amazingly great for all those years we were best friends until he was like a dead person and when i first asked what was wrong he'd tell me he didn't know and just stare into space, cry more easily etc so this has all been so bizarre as we weren't in an unloving relationship at all.

I guess I do need to focus more on me but it's extremely hard because i do love him unconditionally. We had everything in common, even the most obscure things (i.e even as I sometimes 'stalk' his social media I'll often find a link to a song I just listened to the same day, sometimes the same hour where the artist isnt known and has very few fans to his name or a link to an obscure article that I just read, etc) May sound silly but along with that we had such depth to our conversations and I've tried each day to find something we actually didn't have in common or a flaw but there were none other than mental health issues i suppose but even that isn't a flaw for us.

So it's tough as I am lost because here I am best friends with my partner for years and he treated me beyond perfectly and then he acted so dead and now this. I'm just at a loss..trying to figure it out but thanks so much for reading and for your feedback!!! I will try to focus more on me, still unsure about therapy though but may resort to that. Thank you.

[RJ42]

Ma'am, I read your entire post, and I understand how you feel. I have given my all to someone. I had thought I finally found someone, then she did a 180. I have since shut down and stay away from people.

As far as answering your question, it sounds like he might have developed a split personality, to try and hide what he feels rather than accept he has a problem.

I know it is hard to move on after what you felt/feel for him. If you don't, you're going to hurt yourself more. You most likely know it will take time. You need to think of you. Remember the saying...."It is better to love and lost, than to never have loved at all." You sound like a strong person. Use that.