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TRIGGER WARNING.

About a week ago, I stood outside barefoot while it was raining during a bad lightning storm. I was wanting the lightning to strike me. I thought to myself, "Well, If I am going to end it, I don't want anyone to know it was a suicide. Let's make it look like an accident". Then, I began crying like a baby, got scared and went inside.

[Skeezyks]

Well... from my perspective at least... there is a fairly wide gap between feeling as though one wants to die & being able to surmount the biological imperative to survive. But then, also, perhaps the act of standing out there in the rain & the lightening simply acted as a catalyst, so to speak, for the release of pent-up emotions. I'm not a mental health professional. So I don't really know. But those are my theories with regard to your experience. Perhaps what you can take from this experience is the knowledge that you really don't want to die. You just need help to heal. I hope that you will be able to find a pathway to deep peace within...

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Well... from my perspective at least... there is a fairly wide gap between feeling as though one wants to die & being able to surmount the biological imperative to survive. But then, also, perhaps the act of standing out there in the rain & the lightening simply acted as a catalyst, so to speak, for the release of pent-up emotions. I'm not a mental health professional. So I don't really know. But those are my theories with regard to your experience. Perhaps what you can take from this experience is the knowledge that you really don't want to die. You just need help to heal. I hope that you will be able to find a pathway to deep peace within...

Since I got some responses, I will finish the story. Since then, I have had very little appetite. Not that I am "intentionally" trying not to eat, but I am definitely not trying to overcome it either. I am thinking inside, "Well, maybe this will kill me after a while"... I suppose in some ways I am exacerbating the loss-of-appetite with these feelings. I don't know.

[shellykwebb]

Originally Posted by StarGazer28

Since I got some responses, I will finish the story. Since then, I have had very little appetite. Not that I am "intentionally" trying not to eat, but I am definitely not trying to overcome it either. I am thinking inside, "Well, maybe this will kill me after a while"... I suppose in some ways I am exacerbating the loss-of-appetite with these feelings. I don't know.

I have done just the opposite. I have been trying to eat myself to death. I've got my blood pressure so out of whack I'm on 7 meds and still uncontrolled. I now see a cardiologist on a regular basis. I had to just get a CPAP and my lungs are a mess. I figure if I eat myself to death it's not suicide right.

Originally Posted by shellykwebb

I have done just the opposite. I have been trying to eat myself to death. I've got my blood pressure so out of whack I'm on 7 meds and still uncontrolled. I now see a cardiologist on a regular basis. I had to just get a CPAP and my lungs are a mess. I figure if I eat myself to death it's not suicide right.

I think it would still be "suicide" because the intention is there. But others might not know it. That's exactly why I want to do something that will look "accidental".

[stahrgeyzer]

Lightning is a unique way. I also have unbelievably strong desires to end myself. Same as you, it feels like my destiny. My choice is to go backpacking & camping in the wilderness walking endlessly day after day eventually dying of starvation. There's a doctor who pushes for this method, saying it's not painful like people think. I love nature and want to die in a natural way. Like you, I too have the strongest desire to end it. Countless times, probably 40 or more times I was 1000000% determined to do it, but after a few days my mind calms down and I end up telling myself the same thing, that there needs to be a good enough reason to end it. So the wait goes on, day after day for something to happen. Like you, I hit myself, often. In the head pretty hard. Maybe it will knock some sense into me lol.

I don't know what to tell you except hopefully you'll be happy and at peace one day. I have to say that probably the #1 reason I'm still alive is the fear of death. My ... parents ... brainwashed me my entire childhood with religion. I've overcome that religion, but over the decades have migrated to some spiritual teachings. They say nobody goes to hell forever, but they say that people who've committed suicide go to a like minded place in the spirit world for a very long time, a very painful place. So yeah that scares me to death. I feel trapped sooo much it's painful. I don't know what the answer is. If you or somewhere finds out then let me know!

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Lightning is a unique way. I also have unbelievably strong desires to end myself. Same as you, it feels like my destiny. My choice is to go backpacking & camping in the wilderness walking endlessly day after day eventually dying of starvation. There's a doctor who pushes for this method, saying it's not painful like people think. I love nature and want to die in a natural way. Like you, I too have the strongest desire to end it. Countless times, probably 40 or more times I was 1000000% determined to do it, but after a few days my mind calms down and I end up telling myself the same thing, that there needs to be a good enough reason to end it. So the wait goes on, day after day for something to happen. Like you, I hit myself, often. In the head pretty hard. Maybe it will knock some sense into me lol.

I don't know what to tell you except hopefully you'll be happy and at peace one day. I have to say that probably the #1 reason I'm still alive is the fear of death. My ... parents ... brainwashed me my entire childhood with religion. I've overcome that religion, but over the decades have migrated to some spiritual teachings. They say nobody goes to hell forever, but they say that people who've committed suicide go to a like minded place in the spirit world for a very long time, a very painful place. So yeah that scares me to death. I feel trapped sooo much it's painful. I don't know what the answer is. If you or somewhere finds out then let me know!

Actually, the only thing that does give me any peace in this life is knowing that I have Jesus and because He went to hell for my sins, I know I will not go. That's about the only peace I have deep down.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you feel so down.