Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

Well not so good at this very moment. I came home to find a sea of emergency vehicles directly in front of my home. For a start I thought my house was burning but no, it turns out it was a response to the house across the street where lives a kindly elderly lady. I do not think this ended well and I have had a good cry. It has made me pause and consider the mortality of my father and others getting on in age. Upsetting to say the least.

Yea I find that to be upsetting, too. There are times when I've seen paramedics at some of the houses near me. I know that there are some elderly people, some of them had been there since their houses were build in the 1950s. Seeing paramedics gives me dreaded feelings that can stay with me for a while. And then there are times when I think that I could be next. After all, I'm getting up there in age and had major surgery a few years ago.

[smallbluefish]

Originally Posted by happycheeks

I'm doing better but I feel sad, numb and depressed. I've kinda lost my appetite. I feel like sometimes I don't know how to live my life without this person. I really hope I become the person I was. I don't want to be obsessed and depressed most of my life. However, I am more peaceful and I can give myself a month or two to get my head straight. I've been thinking a lot and it's starting to make sense. I should have done this after I broke up with him and I've had this since 2015. I'm frustrated and I tell myself I should have gotten over them by now. I just have to do the things I used to love and keep myself busy.

based on your forum signature and what you wrote about things starting to make sense, it sounds like you did something mature indeed :-) hopefully doing the things you used to love include stuff that helps you connect with a sense of self-love!

[smallbluefish]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

I'm home earlier than I thought I'd be and I'm glad because I got sick today. I'm very depressed. I will never be like other people. The past 4 days gave me a glimpse of what life is like for most people that don't have depression. I smiled a few times because some things were funny. but.

People I think are basically the same. What I really don't like is how everyone loves to talk about someone else. Like a relative of the bf's, I like him. He's quite nice and thoughtful. Well he got gout in his leg, and instead of sympathy, when he wasn't around, people were being nasty and saying "did you see how much he ate? He went up at least 3 times for supper, he's so fat, if he'd lose weight I bet he wouldn't have problems". Sometimes I hate the nature of people. There was more back talk about other people.

And I know people seem happy and might not be, but they definitely don't live in the despair I feel most of the time. Somehow they accept life as it is, and are able to joke and be sociable. I'm just not. Never was. I like being with one person for a while,, maybe a few, then I want to be alone. I can't handle days with tons of people. Sorry for the length of this, I guess it doesn't matter, I'm venting and I've always been thankful for psych central.

I'm starting to understand why my boyfriend doesn't want me. I am depressed almost all the time. I can't be positive enough for him. He'll say "cheer up would ya?" or, "can you at least smile sometimes?" and I'll try. And, as superficial as it is, honestly, I had a good look at myself in the sunlight today, and realized just how ugly my face has gotten. Moles, wrinkles, deep pores. I know how vain I sound. I never appreciated my body, ever. And now I'm old. I don't judge others for the way they look, but I just can't stand how I do. Maybe the bf wants a chance for someone better in every way.

I'm waiting until his brother goes home to tell him I'm letting him go. He's wanted this for so long. We almost made it to 3 years. But he's so unhappy, he has said so much that is hurtful, but its his truth and he has every right to feel how he does. He doesn't want me. But takes me back, and he has said many times now "you guilt trip me", many more things that a woman would be crazy to try to keep him.

I feel sick. My sons are ok, and I'm having thoughts of making a plan to exit this life. I'm tired of it.

thank you for sharing this with us. I'm sorry to hear the people around you are so unsupportive. it's really thoughtful of you to say that your bf has spoken its truth, and I hope you are able to care for your own truth in all this too. it makes sense to be depressed and in despair around such an unsupportive environment and I can relate to that external pressure to smile or be happy just making things worse.

I have restructured my mood diary.

well it seemed to me that some of the stuff in it wasn't really relevant to my mood (and less like a diary), but now it is

after dinner yesterday I spent some time going through the diffrent sections and editing it.

I didn't sleep, in sted had flashbacks to various times I've been in the ambulance- scary stuff

today had to go to the shop for some washing up powder, but I went early on in the morning so it was still quiet

now home chilling and being boring. (nothing knew their, then.)

might just watch some soap operas after I've posted a bit more on here

for dinner I am having chicken wings..

[Smileonmyface]

stayed in bed this morning longer than i should finally got up when my son was getting too restless. cleaned the sinks, started laundry, teeth brushed, hair combed. another day. i know my husband would be upset if he knew i already gave in and let oldest have computer back. however he is not here and will not have to deal with anything kid related until tomorrow night so i have to do what i need to survive this day.

[regretful]

Working on it...slowly making some progress. Sleeping a bit better these days, but the daily depressed feelings are there when I'm awake. Sticking with the exercise and dietary changes - have to keep that up - I do remember well what it was like to not be depressed and with persistent work, I'll get there again. Wishing all of you well in your personal struggle with this invisible affliction.

[WishfulThinker66]

A sombre mood has spread from across the street. The old woman on the other side passed away yesterday and I am sad about it. She was part of my regular routine, for when I walked my dog each early morning she would be outside. Never such a morning would we not great one another and it was always a pleasant start to my day. She is gone now and this morning's walk was actually difficult.

But there was a bittersweet moment yesterday evening when I encountered the old gal's daughter as the dog and I passed by. She stopped me to tell me how comforting it was to see us during what had been a difficult time during the day. Apparently her mother spoke often about our morning encounters and had expressed how fond she was of the dear dog. This brought tears to my own eyes the realisation that something so simple would have such impact on someone's life.

It is odd then to feel a small sense of happiness during such a very sad time. How is it possible to have a wee smile yet feel so utterly down at the same time?

[nikon]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

A sombre mood has spread from across the street. The old woman on the other side passed away yesterday and I am sad about it. She was part of my regular routine, for when I walked my dog each early morning she would be outside. Never such a morning would we not great one another and it was always a pleasant start to my day. She is gone now and this morning's walk was actually difficult.

But there was a bittersweet moment yesterday evening when I encountered the old gal's daughter as the dog and I passed by. She stopped me to tell me how comforting it was to see us during what had been a difficult time during the day. Apparently her mother spoke often about our morning encounters and had expressed how fond she was of the dear dog. This brought tears to my own eyes the realisation that something so simple would have such impact on someone's life.

It is odd then to feel a small sense of happiness during such a very sad time. How is it possible to have a wee smile yet feel so utterly down at the same time?

i'm sorry to hear of her passing. it sounds like even though you weren't close friends, it was quite a meaningful relationship in its way. life is made much more real with things like that. glad that something slightly uplifting happened.

[nikon]

i was off today and although i enjoyed being able to sleep in, i've felt kind of down, empty and aimless. i haven't been enjoying work lately so i don't know where the hell i'm wanting to be if not work or home. did some painting, which was nice, also got paint in my eye - long story. did some exercise. have been trying to set up an appointment with a new therapist but can't get through on the phone. i'm not looking forward to work tomorrow.

i was in IP treatment for quite a long time a few years ago, and have a whole lot of baggage left over from it. the therapists there had no boundaries, were manipulative and, i allow myself to think when i'm being totally honest, emotionally abusive. at the time i went there from living with my family, which was an unhappy situation, and in many ways i felt better in IP, because it felt like a functional family. certain things were really bad and there was always underlying fear, but there was a sense of community and being held that hasn't happened anywhere else. i sometimes wish i could get that back when i feel down like this, but at the same time i would never want to go back to that IP place.

[Rose76]

I'm doing fine. What a relief.

[88Butterfly88]

Was depressed this morning but feeling okay now.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

I'm home earlier than I thought I'd be and I'm glad because I got sick today. I'm very depressed. I will never be like other people. The past 4 days gave me a glimpse of what life is like for most people that don't have depression. I smiled a few times because some things were funny. but.

People I think are basically the same. What I really don't like is how everyone loves to talk about someone else. Like a relative of the bf's, I like him. He's quite nice and thoughtful. Well he got gout in his leg, and instead of sympathy, when he wasn't around, people were being nasty and saying "did you see how much he ate? He went up at least 3 times for supper, he's so fat, if he'd lose weight I bet he wouldn't have problems". Sometimes I hate the nature of people. There was more back talk about other people.

And I know people seem happy and might not be, but they definitely don't live in the despair I feel most of the time. Somehow they accept life as it is, and are able to joke and be sociable. I'm just not. Never was. I like being with one person for a while,, maybe a few, then I want to be alone. I can't handle days with tons of people. Sorry for the length of this, I guess it doesn't matter, I'm venting and I've always been thankful for psych central.

I'm starting to understand why my boyfriend doesn't want me. I am depressed almost all the time. I can't be positive enough for him. He'll say "cheer up would ya?" or, "can you at least smile sometimes?" and I'll try. And, as superficial as it is, honestly, I had a good look at myself in the sunlight today, and realized just how ugly my face has gotten. Moles, wrinkles, deep pores. I know how vain I sound. I never appreciated my body, ever. And now I'm old. I don't judge others for the way they look, but I just can't stand how I do. Maybe the bf wants a chance for someone better in every way.

I'm waiting until his brother goes home to tell him I'm letting him go. He's wanted this for so long. We almost made it to 3 years. But he's so unhappy, he has said so much that is hurtful, but its his truth and he has every right to feel how he does. He doesn't want me. But takes me back, and he has said many times now "you guilt trip me", many more things that a woman would be crazy to try to keep him.

I feel sick. My sons are ok, and I'm having thoughts of making a plan to exit this life. I'm tired of it.

This guy does not "take you back" because you "guilt" him. He's not staying in this relationship as a favor to you. He sees you because it suits him to do that.. If he wanted out, he be out. People do what they want to do. He won't change. He can't.

My friend and I had a little bit of an argument last night. It was about me wanting to leave my place. We argue about that a lot. I don't know why that matters a lot to him for? His life is not going to change with my move. There was a time I suffered when my parents made decisions that effected me; and I had no say in it.

Today was an OK kind of day. I worked out and had a bit of a panic attack and felt depressed while doing it. But at least it went well. Went to the pool area and it was very nice because no one was there. No one to ruin my night this time.

I am sick with flu - sore throat, headache, light fever and sore muscles. Lying down in bed for the past two days. I need to go out to buy paracetamol(something like aspirin) and vitamin c supplements, but I m too weak to go out of the house.

Possible trigger:

mother hurling more abuse at me again via email.

I'm not paying any attention to it. she's home for a while (until the end of the month), and is threatening to burn down where I live because she wants me dead and has had no word from anyone if I am dead or not

but I deleted it and ignored it. that woman isn't worth the effert

still unable to control my overeating, still not sleeping and in a lot of chronic pain

my mood would probably be good if it wasn't for my ****ing mother

[nikon]

hugs to everyone who is having a hard time

i've been really tired today and a little bit down/weary. my eyes are itchy from getting paint in them. i get brain zaps which are apparently just a side effect of the combo of meds i'm on, and today they are very bad, and i am really dizzy. i don't know if there's even anything i can do about it, because it might all be my medication, but i have been on this combination for about a year now and it has worked well for my mood and anxiety. if i have to mess with it because of physical side effects that will be incredibly annoying. if these are side effects, the dizziness, brain zaps and floaty feelings have just been getting worse over the past few months.

i'm soooo glad it's almost the weekend.

Originally Posted by nikon

hugs to everyone who is having a hard time

i've been really tired today and a little bit down/weary. my eyes are itchy from getting paint in them. i get brain zaps which are apparently just a side effect of the combo of meds i'm on, and today they are very bad, and i am really dizzy. i don't know if there's even anything i can do about it, because it might all be my medication, but i have been on this combination for about a year now and it has worked well for my mood and anxiety. if i have to mess with it because of physical side effects that will be incredibly annoying. if these are side effects, the dizziness, brain zaps and floaty feelings have just been getting worse over the past few months.

i'm soooo glad it's almost the weekend.

half a day to go....

I love fridays, such a good feeling

I'm feeling fine. I'm just bored with my life. I'd love to do more but life won't let me.

Originally Posted by happycheeks

I'm feeling fine. I'm just bored with my life. I'd love to do more but life won't let me.

(((((happycheeks)))))
I can relate to you. I have so many dreams...but life won't let me work toward them.

[Fuzzybear]

I’m completely undeserving and worthless

[Fuzzybear]

I do not compute

[Yzen]

I struggled today. I felt too much and let too much spin inside me. I hope tomorrow I can find more peace.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I’m completely undeserving and worthless

Fuzzy...I think you are awesome, deserving and worthy. Much love.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Yzen

I struggled today. I felt too much and let too much spin inside me. I hope tomorrow I can find more peace.

I hope you find peace tomorrow as well.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Desiree2006

I am sick with flu - sore throat, headache, light fever and sore muscles. Lying down in bed for the past two days. I need to go out to buy paracetamol(something like aspirin) and vitamin c supplements, but I m too weak to go out of the house.

Being sick is the pits. I hope you feel better soon.