My story

Not sure if this is the right forum for this but here it is anyway.
It begins on November 18,1967. I came into this world as most babies do,healthy and happy. That made my family 4, mom, dad, sister 6 years older than me. All was good until my mom's grandfather passed which sent her into a world of dark depression. As the story goes she held a butcher knife to my throat when I was 3 months old. I don't know what made her stop but she picked up the phone and called my dad at work. At this time she started therapy and her dr. said that she was not to be left alone at any time with her children. She started on a long road of Valium haze (drug of choice in the 60's) . You know, she goes running for the shelter of mother's little helper as the song went. She also became agoraphobic and rarely left the house.
My grandmother lived with us and became primary caretaker for the most part. She sheltered me from my mother's fits of rage and breakdowns. This went on for 10 years. In that time I became a withdrawn child, overweight and lacked any self esteem or self worth.
At the age of 11 we moved 2 states away as my dad's factory in Jersey was closing. My grandmother couldn't leave her job at the time to come with us. I was crushed. This began my spiral into the rabbit hole. All of the sudden mom decided to kick her 10 year valium habit. Oh it was bad. Rages to extreme happiness to self loathing and blah blah blah.The cycle never seemed to stop. She started to tell us it was "her time", I wasn't sure what that meant but she started to go out again and made friends. I was happy for her.
At this time though, she started paying less attention to my sister and I because after all we were good kids. Stayed out of trouble and made good decisions and the like. So much of the time we were on our own, made friends and hung out. I looked to my sister for many things. Including friends who were much older than me. I saw her having boyfriends and at the age of 13 got my first boyfriend. He was 17 and I thought I was the coolest girl around. I lost alot of weight, got smokin' hot and my mother thought it was great. She let him move in when things got bad at his house. She let him sleep with me and the first time he hit me I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell for 2 years. Didn't have to. He always made sure the bruises were in places that couldn't be seen.
By the time it was over I had had 1 miscarriage and too many emotional scars to count. I was so down I tried to kill myself, I quit school and lived alone in my room. My parents did not have the tools to help me.
At 15 I met a new friend. She introduced me to my first joint. My first drink. My first line. Life was finally mine! I went to bars and did things that I'll not mention at this time. They are things that I don't prefer to think or write about because the past is just that and I can't change it.
I met my husband when i was 17 and married at 18. We partied for 5 years straight, much of it is a blur. Drugs, alcohol, pills. whatever could be done was done. This was the answer to all of my hang ups. Or so I thought.
When I was 22 I found out I was pregnant. Somehow I managed to stop using all of the substances I had been. I went through horrible withdrawl with no help. I never told any of my doctors what I had been doing. I managed a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. There are miracles in this life after all.
Since then life has been full of extreme ups and downs. I have made it through the depression on my own, with just a couple of half hearted tries at medication and therapy. I never connected to any of the therapists I've seen. Any meds that i've been on have had horrible side effects.
It's been the last 3 months or so that I feel I'm losing control of it all. Why? Why now? I've always been so good at hiding this and putting on the normal routine, at most times in my life I have thought that my life wasn't that bad, people have had worse than me and I know that. I have no god reason to complain. %#@&#! happens and that's that.
So that's the long and short of it and it feels damn good to put it all down. Peace out.

good for you Haunted... sounds cleansing... maybe it's popping out now cause it's time to spill a bit out?

you seem like a likeable person to me...

haunted, there's a lot of familiar material there. Particularly the adulthood denial of what you've been through. Man I know that one. Minimization and denial maintained through a rigorous course of workaholism and parenthood.

But it comes back whether we like it or not. I wish it didn't.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. I think it's great, however, that you identify your lack of parenting as part of the problem. Those things with your first boyfriend for example, they never should have been allowed to take place. You seem to know that and that's incredibly important.

My heart goes out to you and I hope I can be of some comfort to you as you continue to heal.

Cyran0

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((haunted)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Often writing about it is healing. I am sorry about all your experiences and I hope that you found some peace by sharing. I think you have good reason to complain. Your pain is no less than anyone elses and I sorry you are experiencing it. Please keep writing if it helps.

BB

Well told summary. As really sick as the cliche is, today is a new day. Like the others say, maybe it was time to tell the story, get that out.

So, what have you been thinking of doing different this time to work on this bout? Any thought of trying therapy again, just looking for the right therapist along the lines of "when the student is ready the teacher appears"? Lots of people here have gone through lots of therapists before finding a good/right one for them. Some sort of support system of sorts? It is good you have come here, this community is a great support. It is one of the few places online that I wish were also concrete.

Thanks to everyone that responded. Yes it did feel good to put some of it down in words.
Yes Cy I think I have been in denial. Not of everything that I've gone through but for the thought that I had come to accept it all as part of me. I thought I had made peace with it. Tamed the beast so to speak. But lately it seems that I am more and more dissatisfied with the way it's all turned out. The quiet hush of all the bad things that need to be aired. I know it has to come out and it going to cause a big family "thing" if you know what I mean.

And yes Perna, I am awaiting a referral to a new therapist as we speak. I saw my primary doc last week. Now it's all about waiting for the insurance to give authorization for my visits. I feel I am ready this time come hell or high water I need to get this crap off of my chest and find a way to heal it once and for all. At least I've found this place for now and the words of encouragemet have been unbelivable. Thank you all and much love.