I'm a mess, and I'm sorry....

I don't know how I can keep going, not with the information I know. For the first time in my life (above age six), I'm crying at least once a day. I'm having these small breakdowns of panic, anger and so much ****ing despair. I feel like I can't keep doing this. I'm miserable and these things I know, these things I've heard and seen... I can't handle it. No one knows how bad it's gotten. No one knows what I do except for the people who'd put me through it. It's an endless nightmare coated in shame and disgust. I can't live with this. I'm sick to my stomach, I'm furious, I'm a ****ing mess. I keep crying on my friend's shoulder. I keep breaking down in front of her. She has so much going on, she doesn't need added stress and my turmoil. I'm this broken thing that can't be fixed. Everyone keeps saying I'm making progress and I have on a couple things, but have taken a hundred steps backwards on others. My T kept telling me yesterday that I can't keep bottling things up and shoving it down to the dark corners of my mind. But I can't face this. I can't do it. I can't be this person. ****, I'm less than a person and always have been. I'm no good and never was. People might disagree but it's the truth. I'm good for nothing. I wish someone would just end me so I don't have to keep living with this.

((((((( So leigheas )))))))

No, please - it's not the truth. It's just negative tricks the mind likes to play on us, that's all. Try not to attach to these trains of thoughts as being symbols of ultimate reality and truth - they really are just thoughts. But, yes, I do understand how difficult it can be as I have to ward off my own negative messages constantly as well. Let it go, let it go, let it go.

Keep fighting, good Só leigheas, thanks for sharing, and remember your good attributes. Always counter the negative stuff.

I just had another small breakdown. And now I'm numb. I'm always numb for a while afterwards. I can't stand always crying like this. I feel so ****ing weak because I can't keep my tears back enough. Why do I keep breaking down? Why is this happening over and over again? Cry, numb out, get pissed, cry again, numb out, get pissed, cry some more. I hate living like this.

Remember that just because you FEEL weak doesn't mean you are. I'm so sorry you're suffering so badly. You don't deserve any of this. No one does, but you especially... I can't imagine how painful it is. ((((Sò leigheas))))

Hi,

Maybe all the tears are a way of processing and getting out all those hurt emotions inside of you, not necessarily unhealthy. Because you might still be going through the grieving process from your previous relationship. Those kinds of emotions can last quite a while in my experience. I remember after my last relationship ended, I shed a lot of tears and it seemed to be tears related to a lot of other past things coming up as well. Yes, it lasted for quite some time.

It's like the Beatles song Carry That Weight -

I never give you my pillow
I only send you my invitation
And in the middle of the celebrations
I break down

Boy, you gotta carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
Boy, you gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time.

I appreciate you guys.

I'm feeling so vulnerable and small like a child. I cried on my ex's chest last night (we're still friends). This pain is too much for me. Everyone keeps telling me I can handle this. That I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I don't believe this to be the case. The fact is, this secret has spilled out three times, to three people... and I feel even worse now than I did before. There's no one here to catch me. I hope spikes are at the bottom of this pit, so when I land there will be no chance I have to keep going. It's not quite that I want to die. I just don't want to live with this. I can't live with this.

"The weight that rests upon my chest has left me breathless,
At night the demons haunt my mind, they leave me restless,
I'm good for nothing."

((((((Só leigheas))))))

I hear you Só leigheas, I really do. Keep hanging in there and posting and being part of something, please. You'll make it.

For me, the whole 'one day at a time' and 'keep it in the present' has been helpful. It's like they're saying, you don't have to burden yourself with the thought of getting through your entire life, you just have to get through today. Just something that keeps me going.

((((Só leigheas))))

(((So Leigheas)))

(((Gentle hugs)))

Keep fighting, So, we're all here for you

I believe that you really are stronger than you know.

I’m sending you a prayer for strength and comfort.