[stefano]

I just survived the most horrible day I can remember. I had been try to keep the anguish at aby, to manage that shaky psychological balance. This morning I woke up and I had to vomit yesterdays dinner... So I was off balance, I had to estimate if staying home alone would hurt more or less than going to work. I had to take decisions...
So I went, and I spent the day twitching my fingers and making small trivial works, totally thrashed by utter desperation.
Now the day is over, my stomach feels better, but my soul is aching badly. No rest tonight. I fear tomorrow: more decisions to make, gloom to crawl into. I'm scared, I'm suffering, and I'm confused.
It's a time when I'll sincerely fall asleep hoping not to wake up anymore.

I can't take it, it's another of my decembers. It always ends up like this: sobbing in the filthy pit.

I know you people care and I know I'm causing frustration to you. The frustration and anger when you can't stop other's pain.
Now I feel tears are coming up. I'll go to the bathroom, I don't want to scare off my family with the sight of an adult crying.

Bye

[nowheretorun]

hearing you stefano... keep talking if it helps...

(((((((stefano))))))

First of all, you are not frustrating us, secondly you are allowed to cry, there is no shame in crying...thirdly, tell one of your family how you are feeling and take a hug ..... you will feel so much better....cry your heart out Stefano, you are hurting and you need release.

holding your hand, please pm if you need to talk, know we DO care and dont ever say you are frustrating us, please...hugs and care to you, please seek a hug from your family, dont back off from them when you need them most.....

love, Jinny xxxxx

[pegasus]

I hear you, hang in there, things will get better.

Sitting here with you.

(((((((( stefano ))))))))

stefano......decembers are hell for me too.....i'll pray for you

[wickedwings]

((((stefano)))) i know it's hard. ou're not frustrating us at all. keep coming. we care.

[Cyran0]

Stefano, at this point I'd start to worry if you stopped updating us. So there you have it, we're waiting for you to post so don't hold back.

Be safe.

Cyran0

Please keep in touch with us, Stefano. You have the right to feel what you feel and to react in the ways you know. But keep the discussions going. It is the only way to find an answer.

[stefano]

This was a strange day. My T urges me to relate what I feel to the things happening in my life.
I think he's right, but the anguish seems so huge that any fact of life seems a trivial explanation.
Anyway, today I've felt dizzy, confused and... suspended. I'm just standing and waiting.

My family knows my problems, and they are quite supportive. But I don't want to shock them more then it's necessary.

I'm short tonight, not going to tickle my mind if it's napping.
I'm surely safe, unfortunately. Death is my biggest fear.

Your encouragement is important. Thank you

[nowheretorun]

for some reason an image of mouse and cheese came to mind... but its cheese in a trap.... afraid to take the desperate bite?

i think the T is going somewhere... course, there are other theories?

re-assuring to hear the family is supporting... a blessing..

wishing peace stefano and thanks again for keeping us in the loop... i know i am a born worrier...

wishing clarity for you...

[stefano]

No I'm more like a mouse in a world of rotten cheese. Only foul taste...

Anguish is less intense today, but not gone. I am still numb. The demons of depression have broken in and have ravaged the living room and plundered the kitchen, now they are sleeping on the sofa... I feel the danger.

It seems to me that any tiny bit of reality could fade at any moment. My hands, my car, my world... ain't truly mine.
I can enjoy NOTHING. Not even a sip of fresh water when I'm thirsty. Yes I can rink, but not get the pleasure.
I feel I could start to ramble at any moment (if I'm not already). Better go to sleep.

Thank you and bye

[Doh2007]

Hey Stefano, while you're melting down, can I ask you about something? I see you are in Italy. Do they know about Seasonal Affective Disorder there? Here, there are lights that people stare into that trigger something in the brain and relieve it.

Just curious. Still caring.

[stefano]

Yeah they know. But that is hardly the problem, because I also get a crisis during summer holydays very often. Indeed, no part of the year is risk-free, even if december is the dark pit.

Thanks for your interest

[Doh2007]

Still here. Still care. Still listening.