Sometimes

Sometimes I think I'm all alone. Especially at night when nobody is posting n my husband is sleeping. I dont know - maybe I am physically alone at those times .. but I feel it at a huge emotional level too is what I mean. Even when my husband is sitting in the room with me - I feel alone. But at night, I feel isolated on an extreme level. I can't really explain it well. I want to sleep bc of it - yet I can't bc of insomnia. My insomnia upsets my husband. Pretty sure he's suspicious of why I'm staying up so late recently. I can't help it. I hate it. But.. maybe - just maybe - my time on earth will be done soon, and all of this will no longer matter.

I hate that I go in n out of depression so much too. Makes me feel (and look) like a liar. Whatever. I'm just done.

Big hugs

We are never alone at PC.

I get it. I still pray every day that I'll die somehow. The battle I'm trying to fight is insurmountable, so I just have to take the pain every day.

At least you do have a partner though. Not something I think I ever will.

Also, I don't think it makes you a liar at all. I don't know if this is what you meant but if you don't show that to people I think it's probably a good thing. I try to fake it as much as I can but it's getting harder and harder. One day when I'm 40 and alone in some 1 bedroom apartment, people will start to figure it out.

Yes, I'm 44 and have come to a place in my life where "faking it" just is not what I need nor want at this point. But - bc I'm in n out of it - I almost feel a need to "fake it" when I'm not depressed.. it's a backwards n desperate feeling.

I know you have probably been told this by counselors n etc (I was) - but honestly, until/unless you get your mh issues controlled or "cured" (I don't think a cure ever happens but some swear it does) - spouses, partners, significant others, boyfriends/girlfriends.. none of it is a good idea. Why? It brings added concern n added stress. Which means your focus is shifted more toward that person (their happiness n well-being) and the relationship than your own health plus you get more stress (of "making the relationship work", helping to resolve the other person's problems, dealing with your n the other person's family, finances for both of you if you live together or marry, etc) .. but if you wait - you can focus on you n your health. Yes, you will feel lonely .. but you will feel that with or without another person in your life. If you focus on your health, you can truly feel their love n give your own later, when you are healthy. I have learned that the hard way.

I've made it through this before. I'm praying I will again. This time it may be a physical issue. I don't know. I won't know for another few months. Either way it's there for me to deal with now. It hurts now.

I understand how insurmountable it can feel. If you need to talk let me know. PM me or tell me here or etc. For me, I'm exhausted (not physically, but emotionally n mentally). I know there is a "way out" - I've reached it before. But it's kind of like swimming a 40mi long river, being told you are going on a boat ride to see what you swam .. and being pushed back overboard somewhere between shores. Now you're tired from the last swim, but at least its not as long as before - still its exhausting and frustrating swimming back .. every once in awhile they decide to bring you back aboard .. just to push you back in at random times, the last time keeping you aboard long enough for your clothes to dry - you keep wondering how far you are from the shore... when will this end .. or will they capture you n bring you out again once you get to shore - and who will believe they push me out n rescue me over n over when we are out there?

That's the best analogy to how I feel.

((((((((((( Crypts )))))))))))