[sinking]

ExT betrayed me. T was going to also.
(Talking about T confidentiality for both).
Im IP now. What am i doing here? I shouldnt be here.
What will i do now? Or just tomorrow?
How can i trust anyone now? How can i talk?
What plan to follow?
Saying im fine so i get out of here,
Or quit talking because i dont feel i can trust anyone anymore and dont want to talk to anyone?
What am i doing here? What will i do tomorrow? Will they just let me out?
What am i supposed to do?
Im SO confused.
PLEASE HELP ME. ANY OPINION WELCOME.
THANKS.

[Thirty shades]

((((Sinking))))

I am thinking of you, not sure what advice to give you.

Sending warm wishes to you

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Sinking ))))))))

[sinking]

Thank you. Ive tought through it and decided its useless to lie this soon. I'll let some time pass, get out of here and when the next perfect day will come i wont tell anybody, not even Ts. Just a call to hear their voices and goodbyes texts when it will be too late to stop me. It was so dumb of me to believe in T confidentiality... I'll still have to think what to do with Ts (see them or not, talk with them or not about other stuff, etc), but i have time...

[Mopey]

Sinking, dear, part of the mission of your therapists is to keep you alive. I'm not sure what the laws are in Italy, but I believe that here in the U.S. if a therapist has reason to believe that a patient is a danger to herself or others, that therapist actually has a legal obligation to hospitalize or restrain that patient.

So far from it about being a betrayal of you, it is quite the opposite, and very likely a necessary compliance with the law. It's likely their licenses could be forfeit otherwise.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, sinking! I'm sure they did it for your own safety! Please try to stay safe AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! I'm glad at least you're in a safe space right now! Just stay there until you start feeling better, ok? Your own health must be the PRIORITY! Please try to stay safe and to be honest with your Ts! I understand why you may feel betrayed, but trust me when I say that they've had no bad intentions! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're still here with us! Please feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you want to discuss thing privately! You know my inbox is ALWAYS open for you! YOU ARE LOVED! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE KEEP US UPDATED ON YOUR SITUATION IF YOU CAN AND WANT TO, OK? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK! YOU'LL BE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS! SENDING MANY AWESOME, KIND, SAFE, SWEET, WARM, WISE AND WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, SINKING, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND, JUST LIKE YOU ARE, MY FRIEND! THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE!

[sinking]

Thank you both.

Mopey, now i know they were obligated to do something. ExT chose to talk with my parents. T would have shown up at my flat since i had told her what time i was thinking of doing it. I had asked them if there was any chance i could have been stopped and they said there wasnt. Maybe to not alarm me and force me to do it sooner, before THEY could have done anything.

But the result is only that now i cant be honest with them anymore. Not about plans...

Today i had an intense exchange of texts with exT. Im afraid he's mad or hurt from what i told him which is, im not pushing him away (ie. Not going to session on monday) but i dont want him to be professionally involved with me so that he is free from me and i wont be a problem or a burden to him. We decided for a phone appt. on monday since i dont think i could have beared a face to face session...

Today i didnt get to talk with pdoc who yesterday told me we would have, but at least i should be able to see her tomorrow morning and ask if they let me out on monday. I dont feel like going back to work and routine. I just want to complete the plan...T

[sinking]

Mickey, thank you for your kindness and continuous support too. I hope you're doing better. Please, forgive me but i dont have much strength to talk more than this and help you as i wish i could.
Takecare.

[Mopey]

((((((( ))))) Much love and support to you.

[sinking]

Thank you Mopey for you support. You are such a nice, gentle and caring person. Thank you. I hope you're ok.

Now im still waiting to talk with pdoc to see if they let me out on monday. I dont know what i want or what I'll say. I guess I'll just answer questions and then accept consequences... cant do much more or "manipulate" because, i for first, dont know what id want to do on monday... so... I'll just answer questions sincerely i guess...

[MickeyCheeky]

Answering sincerely is the way to go, sinking! It will definitely take time to readjust to your normal routine but YOU WULL MAKE IT! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! Don't be afraid to ask to stay in there a little bit more if you feel like you need that! THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! THINGS CAN AND WILL GET BETTER! THAT'S A PROMISE! Hang in there, my dear, sweet friend! We're all rooting for you! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please keep us updated on your situation and let us know how things are going for you, ok? WE ALL DO CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I hope things will get better soon for you and that you'll be able to come back home soon! Sending many AWESOME, kind, safe, sweet, warm, wise and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, SINKING, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND, JUS TLIKE YOU ARE! PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! THINGS CAN AND WILL GET BETTER AT SOME POINT! THAT'S A PROMISE!

[mountainstream]

Hugs

[sinking]

Thank you both.

I did get to talk with pdoc and i did tell the truth. I even said "i could lie to get out of here" and she answered she would know, so i guess sincerity is the best way to go at the moment.

When I'll be too sick and tired to stay here, then maybe i would lie to get out of here. For now im staying with the truth.

She said theyre keeping me IP until monday and then we'll discuss about getting out. Im still not sure what i want to do. But im glad to be here until monday because i dont think i would have been ready to go back to work.

At least tomorrow i will go at my parents for lunch and good shower. It will help passing the time since sundays are so flat and boring. But maybe, every day is like that too.

Thank you all for your support.

[Mopey]

That would probably be good, Sinking. The honesty part, I mean. ♥️

[sinking]

Yes, i guess you're right Mopey. Until it wont be possible anymore...

Today was a good day. I even went at my parents for lunch, shower, seeing the cats and chat a bit with parents.

But im VERY worried and VERY anxious for tomorrow. Should see pdoc but we dont have an appt. So i dont know when.
T may offer me a session, but again i dont know what time.
The most important thing is i have a phone T appt. at around 3:30pm and i hope the other two wont be at the same time. I owe my exT to be there on the phone with him at the time he fixed because it should have been a normal session but i refused to go and talk in person. So he accepted my suggestion for a phone call. So i owe it to him to be punctual and not in a rush or on the streets.

Im so worried and anxious the three things will overlap and i dont want to be so stressed.

My friend could also come to visit me. She just texted me asking what time she could come but i dont know. Evening maybe should be better, since the other appts should have already taken place. I was kind of hoping my friend wouldnt ask to come but it should be nice to have her here and chat a bit... i hope I'll be able to do everything tomorrow. But i repeat it: IM SO WORRIED AND ANXIOUS FOR TOMORROW. I know its not something that matters, but it does matter a lot to me. Please anyone, be with me and send good energies... Thank you

[Mopey]

Sending good energies. Please do try to be truthful if you can. Being truthful can lift some of the burden of anxiety off you, no matter how the other person responds. At least you know you were grounded in something with weight. That is, the truth.

[sinking]

Thank you Mopey, it went all right, your positive energies worked!

This morning my T came to me (so kind of her), and we had a weird session in a bar (but reserved place)! I got to tell her everything i had to tell her. Then we talked with pdoc about the meds and she said I'll get out in a "few" days, just staying vague about that, and that was it.

I informed people at work. I actually dont feel like going to work or get back to routine too soon. (Im still scared and excited at the same time when i think about the plan...) but sooner or later ill have to go back.

After lunch i called exT and we had a nice long chat. I love that man. He's so gentle and kind...

Then met with my friend and we caught up with the news from last week. It was pleasant except that it was very hot for a walk so we didnt stay out long.

Today couldnt have gone better than this. Thank you for your support again

[Mopey]

Blessings to you, Sinking. Glad, glad, glad things went so well.

Just by the bye, it's HORRENDOUSLY hot here as well. This can be a pattern for us here in early June. The plants in the yard are all fading, we are all fading, the swamp coolers are on.

[sinking]

Thank you Mopey,

Today i got to briefly talk with pdoc but only to arrange a real meeting for tomorrow morning.

I think I'll say i prefer to stay IP a few more days. It feels safer for me and for my family. Giving us more time.

Then tomorrow my mom and i will get a coffe together and then she'll give me a ride to see T.

The rest of the day should be free.

Positive of this all: parents are more aware of what may happen, dad talked to me, and P and i are again in touch via texts which is nice.

[sinking]

I didnt get to sleep tonight. Too many thoughts and worries...

I'll talk with pdoc about a change in meds to help me sleep more and better, and ask her when they'll let me out. At this point i prefer to stay all week or at least until friday. We'll see what she says...

Then i have session with T. And we'll talk about how appropriate it is to continue therapy together....

Im nervous for both meetings. Im so tired. This is exactly what i wanted to avoid!!!

[sinking]

I FEAR HOPE. I FEAR HOPE. I FEAR HOPE.

this morning pdoc said she'll give me a new (to me) med to help me sleep. I hope it works. Staying awake all night alone with your obsessive thoughts and feelings is not fun at all.

Then i saw T. She said we could only continue T if we kept talking about my sui ideations and it wouldnt become a taboo.
I was uncertain. I dont want them to stop me again next time. I said we could talk about my feelings and thoughts about it but not about dates. She replied she was unsure she could manage dealing with such an anxiety. I then gave in and said I'll text her if im on the verge of doing it. She seemed satisfied. I didnt want to hurt her in any way and i didnt want to quit either so i think we found a good compromise. I still think i can manage texting her and die a little later before anyone arrives to save me.

The news from today that left me happy, hopeful but scared too, is that my colleague P seems to feel for me what i feel for him. Or something like that. T read our texts exchanges and said he's really nice. We're just at the beginning, being colleagues and not even friends but we decided to meet up next week for an icecream or whatever. Just to chat a bit out of the working place.

Im scared I'll ruin everything before it even starts. He will probably ask me why was i on a sick leave for so long and i dont want to lie but not tell him everything (yet) either. Im afraid that just one single word too much or wrong will push him away. How much do you tell????? And how?

And im also afraid I'll hurt him if i cant stop my sui ideations and end up doing it. Im such a selfish monster.

Either way it doest seem to me i (or we) have any chance.

Im not like others. Not like normal people. Not like normal girls. He deserves better and much more than i can give him. I know it for sure. So is it worth giving it a try? My mind says no, my heart says yes.

But im so afraid. He saying he's fond of me was really heartwarming. So much that ive started having a little bit of hope in life. And i hate it. It was easier when there wasnt any because there were not any contrasting feelings and thoughts and now instead im overwhelmed and so f#ing scared I'll hurt him and I'll be hurt too if he rejects me because of my past/present issues.

Im too bad, too selfish, too rigid and too damaged to have a healthy relationship.
Thats what has always happened in the past anyeay, so why this time should be any different? Why even try if you know you'll fail and hurt and be hurt?

Any thoughts??? Advices??? Please???

[MickeyCheeky]

You're NOT a bad person, sinking, and you're NOT any of those things you've said you are! I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad! The fact that P still wants to talk about you DOES mean that he truly cares about you in my opinion and that he DOES see value in you! I understand that getting closer to people may be scary, especially if you've been hurt in the past, but please DO give it a try! If you find out he isn't kind to you you can always leave before things get worse! Just try to go eat an ice cream with him, perhaps go to take a walk! As for you telling him about his hospitalization, you can always say that you don't want to talk about it at the moment. That's perfectly fair! He can't force you to do that and he HAS to respect your boundaries otherwise things won't work between you two! If you feel like you're not in the mood for talking about that, just tell him that. Perhaps you'll share it when you feel more comfortable around him and when you feel like you can trust him. There's no need to hurry! Take things slowly. Please do NOT hurt yourself as you're truly a valuable and wonderful person! I know it's true, we all know it's true, people in your life know it's true, there's only one person that needs to know it's true, and that's YOU! Be honest with your T and please DO tell her when you're feeling bad! If you feel like she may not be too helpful to you, perhaps DO consider seeing another one! That's just my opinion of course! REMEMBER THAT YOU MATTER! I hope you'll be able to believe that someday! Sending mnay safe, warm hugs to you, sinking, my dear, sweet friend!

[sinking]

Thank you so much Mickey for your kind gentle words and support.

But yes, i am a bad selfish monster.

Apart that, Yes, getting closer to people IS VERY scary for me.

Im sure P is a gentle soul. I can feel it. Problem is i already told him i would have given him some explanation for my long sick leave. All the while, we've been in touch through texts (best communication way for me), ive been very vague about why i wasnt at work. I think maybe i could tell him i have issues with depression... that would explain everything and truthfully without revealing too much about whats really going on... i guess thats my plan for now about how to answer to that question, but it may also be he wont ask and then i HOPE, we'll be able to talk spontaneously and it will all come up by itself easily. Thats my hope at least.

BUT
Im torn. I want the sui euphoria, not the "first meeting" excitement/fear. I want to be done with thoughts and feelings. Im SO tired. I dont know if i can find the courage to hope even.kust a little bit again...

[Mopey]

Hello again, Sinking, dear.

Just a couple of quick responses to your last 2 posts.

Firstly, you say you don't really want to quit with your current T, and I think that should tell you something. I do understand how totally demoralizing it is to have your hopes constantly demolished, although I don't know exactly how that has worked in your life. One way to get around that is to stop having hopes, and just take one step at a time. Stop and see how that turns out. Then when you're ready, take another step. But keep your goals realistic. For you. Honor your life for what it is, for what is has been.

Another thing to avoid is to start getting too far ahead of yourself. As in, what if this happens? What if that happens? The thing is, you have limited control. You have control only over yourself, and not over what other people do or what the world does. All you can do is try to figure out what you are reasonably comfortable revealing, or saying, and try that out on the other person. Then wait.

Please - be well, and stay safe. Life really is precious.

[sinking]

Very wise Mopey. Thank you so much
I'll think about what you wrote. Thanks again!