[T4bbyCat]

Always painful when the reality of the holidays all gone sets in and another year starts with little good to expect... not to be a downer or anything.

Yesterday I worked out and I hadn't done it in three weeks. I'm on that new band-resistance workout. I still miss my weights. Last night my friend couldn't talk much because he was constantly coughing. I did not sleep very well last night because I was hearing noises on my wall. I wonder if the next door neighbors were making noise or was it something else?

Today was pretty slow at work and a draggy day. I'm concerned about my friend and his wife. His wife had a doctor's appointment today. She had been prescribed some things when she wasn't feeling good and it's not helping her much. My friend was going to see an eye doctor today, but I think that he needs to see someone about his cough.

[Breaking Dawn]

I wish I could tell you. I'm sorry. You are wonderful. God bless you!!

[3rd rock]

How am I supposed to live on $1,200? What's even the point of having a long-term disability payment if it's so pathetically inadequate to live off?

[giddykitty]

didn't post here yesterday because I was all frazzled with internet websites being slow or down. ughhhh!

but it's better now and I'm back to feeling good again. *hugs to those who need it*

[3rd rock]

I don't really want to do any writing anymore. But if I give up on writing, then I give up on my only hope for the future, and I can't go down that dark road. I must continuously imagine that success is immediately around the corner, even just days away.

[katnap]

I have been too busy with the holidays. thought it was all going great. then a sack of depression bricks hit me this week. im focusing on not obsessing

A lot to do today for my typical Saturday. Nice and sunny outside but pretty cold. It's all fine with me. I'm feeling alright so far this morning and I don't know why. Perhaps it's nice to have stuff to do.

My friend can not make it to visit me for lunch today. He's still under the weather, but improving a little bit. Oh well, but maybe today wasn't such a good day for it anyways. We were going to have lunch out and I had been looking forward to it. His wife isn't doing so well right now also.

I feel fine now, but I think that my good feeling I have now will drop by this afternoon and tonight. It always does, unless something will happen that will make me feel real good. But I doubt that will happen.

[giddykitty]

Have I checked in here for awhile? (Can't remember.) I keep wondering if I've bipolar2 so I post over there, but.... maybe I'm just really up! I've been up, happy and excitable for like a week now. I don't even have that feeling that I might crash at any second like I did during my depressive phase. Well, I just need to keep tabs on this. And perhaps I'm writing here to see if you folks notice anything NOT "major depressive" about me. I dunno! Maybe I AM just happy. Woo hoo! (Giddy :P)

[giddykitty]

Alright, I think I'm coming down...

[3rd rock]

I'm really sad and tired. I suppose there might be a connection between sadness and fatigue.

The weekend is winding down for me now. The weekend was not that exciting. This morning I talked with my sister. It went alright. She seemed pretty listless and depressed. There are times that she depresses me. After talking to her I did a little bit of shopping. Took a three hour bike ride after lunch.

[Mountaindewed]

Honestly, this is the lowest my seasonal depression has been in years. I’m not sure if it’s because the weather has been mild this year or what. Usually at this time of year I’m feeling totally hopeless but I feel ok right now.

[3rd rock]

It's become very hard to get motivated to write over the past few days. I simply don't want to do it at all. I feel like I'm dying slowly.

[giddykitty]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

It's become very hard to get motivated to write over the past few days. I simply don't want to do it at all. I feel like I'm dying slowly.

I used to think I wanted to be a writer...but then I didn't like what I was writing about. I didn't like that which I could write that would probably or possibly sell (not that I'm in it for money) because it was potentially harmful to me and those I love. Like, why are my inner feelings that which might hurt people? I don't want to do that. And even if I were to keep it private, well, I mean there's always that temptation of Shari g it because you want to know if it's good or not...or you just want someone to relate to you... I don't know. But I guess I've just settled on writing messages and notes to people. Sorry I'm not really helping you. I guess I'm just trying to say that I relate and maybe I can encourage you to keep at it even though I know I won't...or maybe I will again. I dunno! Sorry!

[giddykitty]

I'm upset about something, but I'm doing alright. Not high like I was, but okay.

Things are ok. I was panicked over the weekend about never moving up from my current ****** job. But I am training for a promotion already so I just need to not let the anxiety prevent me from committing 100% to training. I have trouble getting in to work early to train. To my detriment. I need to find a way to get out of bed. I have been having a lot of trouble in the new year. I don’t know why. I have been extremely down both weekends of the new year, which spills into the the weekdays too. The anxiety is probably also related to fear of success. I have low self esteem such that I can’t self start, I can’t hunt for opportunities the way I know I could.

Everything will be ok with time. I think I will keep progressing. I just need to get that promotion and then I think the way forward will be much clearer. I’ll have better leverage and be able to network better. I need to have faith! And keep smiling and doing good work.

Pole dancing classes start in February. I’m afraid of showing my scarred body. I want to cut but am afraid of having fresh cuts at class. I also signed up for a business class and a philosophy class through my community college. I feel like with training at work I need to get away from my field of work. Idk. I’ve never taken a business class. Also I feel like reading and writing essays for philosophy will be good for my brain.

A big part of it is that I can’t calm down to sleep until around 2:30 am. So it’s hard for me to wake up at a normal time. I also spend a great amount of time in my fantasy world. Not dealing with real life. Maybe it’s not a great way of coping. I think I need to change this. Take a deep breath.

I just feel like I’m not doing enough. Or maybe I’m working too hard and not smart enough. Idk. I feel hampered by low self esteem and feel like I’m limited by a lot of dumb stuff that happened in the past.

[zapatoes]

Trying to exercise on a consistent basis and walked and did small hand weights this past Saturday and then again today walked (although only 15 minutes today compared to 30-40 minutes Saturday) and did small hand weights. Plan is to do small hand weights every other day and walking daily.

Right when I go
To bed my stomach revolts at the memory of my boundaries violated.
My coworker pressing me (interrogating me) on my career choices. Scolding me. Remembering what my brother said—what a stalker.

I’d better keep my head down tomorrow. WhAt a creep. It’s none of her business and I am helpless to
Create a boundary since she will attack when I reject
I so badly want to cut. I am disgusted and revolted by her and her disgusting personality. And I am ashamed of myself.

[Yzen]

I’m trying to act calm in everything I do and free myself from fear of judgement from anyone including myself. I don’t know if that is possible.

Been feeling down for most of the day. I had a conversation with someone at work today that I ended up sorry that I did. He made me feel bad. Actually I think that he was pumping himself up. He does that at times and I feel skeptical about it. Life seems to be perfect for him. He doesn't have the problems that everyone else has.

[Buffy01]

I have been feeling really down and depressed. I don't if I am taking negative comments too personally or because of the weather.

[Breaking Dawn]

I sort of relate to Buffy01, except I wonder if it's the weather, or circumstances, or both.

[3rd rock]

I don't know if it's just the medication or what but I'm so anxious right now, I just started worrying intensely whether a real person from my life when I was younger would discover one of my novels, realise one character is loosely inspired by her, and then decide to sue me for defamation. I'm so worried it's making me nauseous.

[Sunflower123]

Feeling depressed today. Could be the weather or could be a tough decision I have to make. Really upsetting.