[zapatoes]

Depressed now and should feel better after going for a walk. Need to start journaling or something. Has anyone found that journaling helps, I mean I don’t have close friends to talk to. Sometimes call my cousin who I’m close to and she feels like my sister and my sister is much younger so we’re not close.

Today was a yucky kind of day. It was slow and boring at work today. After work I wanted to ride my bike for an hour but it was windy with heavy drizzle. So instead, I went to the stores to pick up a few items. I missed doing that bike ride.

[3rd rock]

I got my payments on my student loans down to zero, with no interest, for the next six months, in light of my current limited work abilities. By that time I anticipate I'll be back to a full schedule and will be able to resume full payments.

My limited work schedule is exhausting at the moment, but I hope a few changes will make it possible to work more.

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm doing pretty good at the moment. I'm not presently journaling; not enough energy. But I think it's helpful to write & then see your thoughts on paper, so they're not just swimming around in your mind, getting all mixed up with other thoughts.

[Mountaindewed]

My therapist can’t see me until Monday. My Pdoc can’t see me until April. My gynecologist is on call today so she can’t answer my questions about why I haven’t gotten my period in 5 weeks yet have had all the symptoms. So I’ve been dealing with all these thoughts and feelings on my own.

[giddykitty]

Decided against putting this one in my journal as it's not news to me, unfortunately, and I could share some love with the group.

I'm cramping and it hurts. Mood is okay. Will be great if hubby can bring home dinner. Right now I'm a bit anxious waiting for his response and worried about stressing him more since I know he's been having long days lately. Ok, now I'm a bit sad...but hopefully we'll get some food, maybe Chinese??!! And then it's Nancy Drew night, so thats always fun!

Hugs to all who need or want them! *hugs

I am grabbing dinner with my acquaintance tonight. I hope it goes well.

I must must must maintain a positive attitude at work. It is so important! Too bad I have so much to struggle against in that regard. Lots of childhood conditioning. I am antisocial and avoidant and incredibly dark and quiet. I am unable to tell when people are joking either. I will never be able to be someone people bond with through joking. I don’t feel like these things are easy.

I ****ing hate my job but god I don’t know if it’s because of my own shortcomings.

It was very slow today at work. It was raining and a lot of people didn't come to work. So the atmosphere was dull and isolating. I felt sad when I got home. I got thinking and realizing that I'm really alone because I don't talk too much to others at work and hardly to anyone at home.

I was able to take a bike ride when I got home, so that was good. The weather cleared up in the afternoon so that made me able to do it.

[Rose76]

I've gotten so very depressed. It's not the kind of depression where I feel sad, despondent. I don't feel down in that way. I'm just so listless and uninterested in everything. Dishes from dinner on Wed are still in the sink. A bunch of mail has piled up and hasn't even been opened yet. I'm so unmotivated. My s.o. is in worsening shape, but it's taking forever for his ordeal to finish playing out. Not that I want him to leave me. I don't. But he doesn't feel good much of the time. He's not eating much. I hate to see him so deteriorated and just lingering on and on and on. How uch more do we have to go through. He seems to be getting sick of feeling only half alive. I'm so sorry for him going through this. I never expected it would be such a long, drawn out process.

I have to make myself stick to some sort of daily schedule.

Everything is going to be ok. I’m very blessed. I will smile more and let my good humor show.

I have a feeling my former coworker (before I moved to another department at my job) threw away some drawings I made. I don’t think it can be explained away as coincidence. I don’t know what to do about this. I’m not going to do anything but it feels very sinister to me.

[3rd rock]

I'm starting to get back into the swing of things. I'm able to write more again, and I'm adjusting better to working after my extended absence. I hope to be back up to a full 40-hour work week by the end of the month. That'd be good, because I really need the money.

Feeling anxious about the Coronavirus thing. I posted on that thread. I always go shopping on Saturdays and hope that it will not be a challenge. Today I stopped at a supermarket on the way home. Shelves were cleaned out and it was crowded. I felt like I was having a weird dream. But it was not a dream this time.

[MatBell]

Feel horrible. Very suicidal. I have to move out. Can’t handle my life any longer.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m not at rock bottom like I was a couple days ago. Still feeling blah and incredibly anxious though. But I don’t feel like I need to check myself into any place.

[zapatoes]

Everything is ok right now at this moment sitting next to my sweet dog, listening to jazz and relaxing.

I did my shopping and going to the bank this morning. I didn't do any housework this morning, like usual. The stores were pandemonium. Well I was able to get everything that I needed, except for toilet paper. The shelves were practically cleaned out and there were very long lines. I have never experienced anything like this before.

Woke up feeling very depressed. Had some weird dreams. I worry that I might get sick. Plus the tests coming up later this week and next week has me anxious.

[Rose76]

I'm depressed. I feel lousy . . . physically and mentally.

I'm on this treadmill. I want to get off. I don't think I can.

Very disheartening conversation with my mother last night. I’d thought that things were going well between us but that was only the case because I hadn’t been telling her about my life.

She has no ability to understand things. She jumps to conclusions and then panics. I have to spend an hour explaining something and don’t get any emotional support. Instead I have to manage her emotions. This sent me to a flashback to my childhood where she was emotionally abusing me and I still had to manage her emotions for her.

I’ve always known what to do, I’m not asking my parents to help me. I’ve never really had their help. it’s just that I’d like to have some support and have someone to express my thoughts to.

They are sinking into their respective paranoias as they get older. I don’t think I’ll turn out like them. I hope not.

[3rd rock]

I ate too much for lunch. Now I feel fat.

[Breaking Dawn]

Life can be difficult, sometimes very harmful, & sometimes almost unbearable. But something in us says to keep going & believe in something that guides us. It's something beautiful that's hard to describe. And we can find it in each other. So I sure am glad you all decided to be here. Thank you!

Feeling pretty blue and lonely tonight. I got a movie. My friend told me that the libraries (that's where I get my videos) are going to be closed for three weeks starting this Monday. I felt like an idiot for not knowing that. When I went to the library early this afternoon I didn't notice anything on the front door saying that.

I called my friend and told him that I'll come to his house tomorrow. I'd rather not but I feel like I have to. I feel embarrassed to say this but he has some toilet paper to give me. I can't buy any because all of the stores I've been to have all run out. I would like to have him visit me at my place but I didn't want to ask him because he'd be afraid to take the bus with the Coronavirus business going on.

I was so extremely depressed that I called out sick. My manager was fine with it but asked it I had the corona virus. So I’ll have to go back tomorrow in order to avoid being tested for it before returning. I think it will be fine. I don’t have it. I’m just so depressed and haven’t been able to take care of myself. It was an impulsive decision where I just couldn’t care less about my job. If I lose it due to the corona virus then fine. I’ll find something else.

Now I’m listening to adult bedtime stories. I don’t think I can get out of bed today. I’m too scared. I feel very alone. I’m not strong enough.

I’m already regretting calling out but I think it will be fine. I’m going to sleep the day away. Last night I cried thinking about it this awful fatherless void I have. I feel very confused and lost. I woke up wanting to self harm.

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm so sorry, @the walls. God bless you. And I'm praying for you.

[giddykitty]

and how are you today, @Breaking Dawn? (hope it's ok to ask)

I'm hanging in there. Got off to a slow start today-little guilty about that. And I'm a little anxious about this new chicken recipe I'm doing here in just a few...but it's pretty easy. Hopefully it will taste good. Oh, actually, I ought to eat first...if my wrap is still good from yesterday (really hope it is!). Um...

idk I guess I'm in a decent mood, not too low nor too high so decent. Got Blurry by Puddle of Mudd stuck in my head atm. Good song at least though! Just trying to stay positive!

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm ok right now. Thank you for your thoughts, @giddykitty.