[jmariah001]

I'm really struggling right now. I am alone and not feeling that good mentally or physically. I lost my cat back in April and I am still missing him like crazy. I held him while he passed away. He was having seizures. He had FIV. I didn't have the money to have him put down. I know I am a bad cat owner. I struggle with the feeling that his suffering was my fault. Now with no choice of my own I now have two kittens. They were living under my trailer. I didn't want them to freeze. I can't give them up. No one wants kittens and the local animal shelter is full. Plus it's a kill shelter. So I would never give them to that shelter. Just having the kittens has brought up feelings of sadness. I don't think I was ready for more cats. But maybe it was meant to be. He might have sent them to me. I don't know. Sorry for the long post. Just really struggling right now.

Work is hard socially.

I always cry easily.

It's been slow at work all week. Today was a kind of day that a few little things went wrong; and some of those incidents were humiliating for me. It seemed like it brought back memories for me when I was a child and couldn't do anything right. Well at least things have calmed down and it's the weekend now. Also I am sick of the heat we've been getting here that's unseasonable.

For Rose, I'm sorry what you are going through with your boyfriend. It seemed like over the years as I recall, it was going to be it for him, and then he'd bounce back. I have you in mind for this.

And for JMariah, I'm sorry to hear about your cat passing away. You are, by all means, not a bad cat owner. I'm sure your cat really loved you for all that you did. And now it's very nice of you to take in those cats. I had a real nice cat one time and it was hard when he passed away.

[Rose76]

Thanks for the kind wishes above.

My bf is in ICU now. His nurse got me a recliner and made me welcome to stay here with him. Sometimes somebody does the nicest thing just when you need that. So I'm grateful. My bf seems comfortable. I am too. For tonight we are all right . . . for now. I'm getting better at limiting my worrying to what matters right now.

Feeling pretty bad emotionally today. I was very busy but it didn't help my emotions any. My friend and I talked last night. We couldn't come to an agreement on who should visit who. He said that he was going to call me today, but it's late in the day and he hasn't called. Sounds like a split in our relationship may be in order. If so, then it's going to be awfully hard for me.

[Rose76]

My bf doing better at the hospital. I feel relieved . . . just so tired.

Feeling down today. But tonight my friend called me around 7:15 which was kind of late in the day. We talked and it went well. It was a disappointment that we didn't get together today and we could have. So the phone call felt like a "consolation prize". He invited me to dinner tomorrow night after a show that he and his wife are going to. I passed on that because I don't feel comfortable being with his wife. It's not that I don't like her. It's just because it's a "three-some".

[Deilla]

I'm feeling a little better this morning. I hope to have a good day. I will try.

[The_Bear]

Not a good day for me. Depression and lots of indecision on my part.

My girlfriend is in Germany and I'm in Beijing. She moved there 3 weeks ago and will be there for about 4 years doing a PhD. We agreed when she left that we were going to try to make the whole long-distance thing work.

Over Christmas and New Year I'll be back in the UK (where I come from). There is a plan for me to make a trip to visit her in Germany during this time for about a week. Today I started working on that plan.

The first thing I had to do was to rebook my UK -> Beijing flight in order to put it back a week and allow time for me to make the Germany trip in between. This was successful and I did it without too much of a problem, cost aside. After that I felt good.

However, soon after I'd done it, I started thinking that I actually don't want to visit her in Germany after all. The whole thing feels like a huge pain and an extra thing to have to plan, work out, and pay for, when in actual fact I'm not that keen on doing it. It's a long trip, embedded in the middle of an even longer trip, and it feels like a real hassle.

At that point, I stopped planning and decided not to look at UK -> Germany and Germany -> UK flights for now.

To be honest, I don't really miss her. I feel bad saying that because she's a great girl and very stable and committed and I should be feeling lucky. But I don't feel that strongly for her and in all honesty would probably prefer to be single. I can't really see a point in having a relationship right now.

My mind is all over the place on this, changing all the time. Last week I wanted to make the Germany trip but right now I have zero interest. Maybe tomorrow, I will have changed my mind again.

I'm in the process of coming off antidepressants and am down to a very small daily dosage. No doubt this is playing its part.

[Sunflower123]

Down and unhappy today plus a lot of physical pain. I hope tomorrow is better.

A slightly better day today but still not feeling so great. Did laundry, made my spaghetti sauce (for four servings), and went on a two and half hour bike ride.

I don't know if it's my exaggeration or not but lately I feel like my neighbors are more unfriendly towards me.

[Deilla]

Feeling pretty good this morning. I started on my household chores and my to do list. I have plenty of energy and good motivation.

[Rose76]

I had a pretty good day. Made chili con carne. Bf is improving. Wish I was asleep.

[SlumberKitty]

@Rose76 Glad to hear BF is improving. That's good news! HUGS Kit

[SlumberKitty]

Feeling pretty depressed at the moment. Having SH thoughts. I'm super tired too because I only got maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Work is boring. I wish I were home. I think I need a vacation!

Am OK at the moment, but can feel that my SAD (Winter depression) is preparing to start to put me down for the winter.

[Buffy01]

I felt horrible yesterday emotionally I start crying all day yesterday.

[Lilly2]

I am trying to sleep but insomnia keeps me awake. I logged in on my cell to post here. Maybe I will get sleepy again.

It was a slow day at work today, kind of surprising to me. Today was just dragging. Seems like a lot of people were not there. A lot of items came in for individuals and I had to keep them in my office because they are not there.

Went to the Jacuzzi at where I live and there were a couple of women there. They are good friends with each other. They were alright but I would have preferred them to not to be there. They don't go in very often or at least when I go. Fortunately there's rarely been a bad night at the Jacuzzi since I moved in to my new place. At where I lived before it was pretty common to have bad people around.

[Deilla]

I feel Okay this morning. I didn't sleep much last night... stressful thoughts. I'm doing better today.

I don't have so much energy, but feel that I am using the energy that is available in a beneficial way.

[Buffy01]

My next door neighbor went off on me yesterday made rude remarks about a number of things.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Lilly2

I am trying to sleep but insomnia keeps me awake. I logged in on my cell to post here. Maybe I will get sleepy again.

I have trouble sleeping lately myself.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Singer47

I don't have so much energy, but feel that I am using the energy that is available in a beneficial way.

I wish that I could feel that way.

[The_Bear]

Woke up feeling very low and went to work. Once I was at the office and had had some coffee, things started to pick up.

I had another coffee with one of my friends later on, who is actually now in a managerial position above me. Our relationship is kind of strained these days. We actually started at the company at the same time and went through the same training together, but these days the friendship feels awkward and "forced". Part of the problem is that he's now in a managerial role, so we look at things from different perspectives and there's a bit of a disconnect there. Another problem is that after he'd become a manager, I disagreed with the way he was doing things and made it clear to him, and that created a bit of bad blood between us.

Since then, I've tried to smooth things over, but it comes across to me that he doesn't particularly want to be friends any more. I was mulling this over a lot this evening. I admit that I haven't helped our relationship, but I also feel like he's the kind of guy whose friendships are motivated more by utility than from a liking of someone. He's ambitious and rather self-centred in the way he leads his life, and he tends to largely focus on things that benefit himself. I feel that now we're not in the same job role and don't spend any time together, the friendship between us has little value for him. It's a shame because I valued that friendship a lot and now it's barely a friendship at all.

Anyway, I spent a long time mulling over that in the evening, and felt pretty depressed as a result.

Now I'm in a hotel room in a city called Jinan in East China, where I've been sent for a 3 day work trip. I had a Subway sandwich for dinner and am about to watch the rest of the film "Her" before I sleep. It's about a guy who falls in love with an operating system. A bizarre premise indeed, but it's actually quite a good film.