It was a very busy day at work, pretty much the whole day. I felt fine but it took a little turn by the end of the day. Someone was expecting something but it didn't have his name on it. He had told me about it in the mid part of the day, but one carrier had not shown up until the end of the day. Well, it turned out that the box had arrived in the mid-morning. So he discovered that I had that box until it was time for him to leave for the day. He got upset because the box had some parts for a door he needed to fix for today. I was very sorry it happened. He's not a nice person at all.

I worked out after work. That's about it. I feel like there are things coming up that I'm not looking forward to.

[Deilla]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

I keep writing horrible books that no one would ever want to read, and I keep failing to improve. It takes a special kind of stupid and lazy to keep on resolutely refusing to improve at all. Most people would gradually get better at something if they do it long enough, but not me. I keep on writing unreadable books with crappy characters and indecipherable plots that don't go anywhere.

If you think you write crappy books, then you will write crappy books. You will achieve what you think you will. So why not try to think that you will write great books. It's a much better way to live.

[sonjaward809]

I’m new to this specific forum. I’ve always been on the Bipolar one cause that’s what I was diagnosed as. Turns out I just have severe depression and complex PTSD. This recently got changed and I’m okay with it. I never really understood mania for myself. It didn’t really fit. I’m feeling very helpless and hopeless at the moment. I feel like a waste of space. I’m going to call my caseworker and see about getting a new Appt and getting my medication appt moved up. Trying to make it till Monday so I can get my EMG done (I’m having neurological issues) and see what’s going on with the left side of my body. I’m probably going to be back in IP after Monday. I can feel it. I can already tell I need to go but I need that testing done first. This will be 3x in a year I’ve been hospitalized. It’s to the point to where I’m not even afraid of the hospital no more, it kind of brings me peace. I’ve been trying for disability for a while now but it always gets denied. Last time was because although there is evidence of my disability it just wasn’t severe enough yet. Like how tf?! Well it’s getting pretty damn severe now. I keep trying to put on a brave face for everybody else but I feel alone. Even when I’m surrounded by people, I feel all alone. Like I’m in a hole. My anxiety is running rampant! I feel wound up and jumpy. I wanted to crawl out of my skin yesterday it was so bad. Ugh. Here’s to another day of making it through and pushing forward. Even when I feel like the shittiest thing on Earth. ❤️

An OK kind of day today for a Saturday. At least it's not raining today like it did last week and Sunday, so I can go out on my bike pretty soon. My friend and I didn't talk on the phone last night. He left me a message this morning saying that he would have wanted to come visit with me, but then he had a change of plans as his tablet was not working well and he went to a place to have it repaired. Funny he would leave messages for me saying that he'd come out to see me but when I ask him to come and visit, it's like pulling teeth.

Tonight, instead of getting a movie like I always do, I plan to go out for a walk around the downtown to see the stores decorated with lights and stuff. I'm not crazy about walking around downtown, but there's some good in it, even though it's not my thing.

[downandlonely]

I slept most of the day today because I didn't have concrete plans. But I have errands I really need to do.

[mote.of.soul]

Just existing really. Existing in the hope something good will happen, always looking for that silver lining - which, for me, is depressing. I'm depressed.

[Breaking Dawn]

Dear mote.of.soul, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Maybe do something you love? Anyway, hang in there, dear friend. Hugs & love to you!

[mote.of.soul]

Thank you @Breaking Dawn. Yes, good advice.

Thank you for the lovely hugs, too. Made me happy.

[3rd rock]

Originally Posted by Deilla

If you think you write crappy books, then you will write crappy books. You will achieve what you think you will. So why not try to think that you will write great books. It's a much better way to live.

If you say so.

[3rd rock]

Well, that's it. I'm out of ideas.

[mote.of.soul]

Feeling a bit better today. My spirits are returning and I feel ready to face life head-on again. One thing I'll do is trust myself more - trust my inner voice.

Today was a pretty good day. I did some light shopping this morning and got what I needed. After that my sister called and we had a very good talk. I had lunch and then went on a three-hour bike ride. It was a lovely day for a bike ride as it was very clear and cool with some breezes.

I feel like I'm dreading things coming up later in the week. I guess I kind of look forward going to work tomorrow, except if I have to answer more as to that misunderstanding that happened last Friday. I had posted about that. Also there's a possibility of the stupid phone meeting on Friday and going to the Dentist on Saturday with work done. After this week, it may appear to be nice and mellow for a little bit of time.

[sky457]

depressed and alone...I tried my best with my prior relationship and did not get any in return. I don't know what to do anymore. I've done everything I can to be in a healthy relationship. I just really want a great relationship. I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel adrift and sad tonight. And pointless. Why do I always feel the need to cry? I feel empty inside...

What do I want my life to look like? I hate the city I moved to. People here are incredibly mean. In a city like this you don’t need expose yourself to people unlike yourself. Especially because it is so hard to get out of your neighborhood.

They treat me with a closed off small town attitude because the city allows them the privilege of thinking it is the whole world, and they know nothing outside where they are. They are unwelcoming and treat me like I am scum. This is one of the biggest cities in the US and it is so backwards and undiverse.

But for the industry I fell into this really is the land of opportunity. And here I am trying to make it here without even really wanting it. And what do I want in life? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don’t like anything or I don’t know if I like anything. Because I am depressed and would rather spend the rest of my life in bed without needing to think. And yet I work and work for a promotion in a random field because it takes money to survive. And what would I do if I weren’t in this industry?

I don’t want to live here and yet I do. Even after I get a promotion (and a skill I could take to New York or even Europe, for example) would I want to leave? I love the weather and the flora and fauna and even the glamor. I love being independent and living alone. This city oozes freedom even though no one is free when there is discrimination and you need to work to the bone to survive.

Anyway i sometimes think this is all ********. I am alone and sometimes I think that’s where I’m safest. I’m too fragile for a partnership. When guys who ask me out laugh at me when I share an insecurity with them. I’m too fragile for that. Work and love are all ******** and so I don’t want Monday to arrive. I feel shaky about tomorrow. I don’t know.

I feel like I am a newborn. I don’t have any particular identity. Newborns are born to random parents. And I am born into a city I chose at whim and an industry I didn’t really try to get into. At least I do feel like I’m growing, kind of. Hopefully when I’m thirty things will be better.

Sometimes I think I cry to remember who I am. No matter where I am in work or the work I still have the same inner terrain.

I had a pretty good day today at work. It was fairly busy. Nothing further was said about what happened last Friday. That guy (the maintenance man) and I had a little talk this morning about taking some time off in the next couple of weeks. I had an impression that he was going to take a week or two off; but instead he's going to take Thursday and Friday off following Christmas & New Years Day only. I didn't know that was what he was going to do. If that's the case, then I would like to take Monday & Tuesday off before Christmas and New Years Day. I emailed my manager for that request. I hope and pray that it's not too late and that it will be given to me.

[Rose76]

I'm doing pretty okay. Got the little tree decorated and some other decorations up. If there were just 2 or 3 more hours in the day . . .

I'm not depressed at all. Just too busy to be. We got a new home attendant for my bf. When she gets familiar with him and meeting his needs, she'll be a big help. Initially, though, I have to show her how to do everything, which takes longer than just doing it myself. Then there's lots I can't delegate. Like he needs a shave and manicure tomorrow. But I hesitate to turn that over to her. He bleeds easily. At least I can get out of the apartment without the worry of him being alone. I can get errands done today.

I called in sick today at work. I came down with a cold suddenly last night. I didn't sleep a wink all night because my throat had hurt and that's what kept me awake. I felt like crap physically when I woke up at the usual time when I have to go to work. I made a call saying that I won't come in because of not feeling well. Fortunately I had a lot of time off at work that was never taken. I always feel so guilty and wrong when I call in sick. I really wanted to go to work today because of some things I had to do.

One bit of good news early this morning is that I got the approval from my manager to take two days off next week and the week following. I wrote to my manager from my personal laptop at home and explained to her that I had called in sick. She was very nice about it.

I feel better now than I did in the middle of the night and early this morning. I hope to feel much better tomorrow, but that might be hard.

[Breaking Dawn]

Doing ok.

[downandlonely]

Doing ok. Didn't sleep well last night though. Hopefully it will be better tonight.

I just took it easy today. In the afternoon, I felt like I had slept quite a few times. As of now, I plan to go to work tomorrow. I hope I will feel better by then. I just took a shower and feel much better. A very dull day today but I guess I needed that for a change.

[3rd rock]

I have no idea what to do now. I've got all this free time which I could be using to rapidly complete a next project, but I have no idea what to do for that next project. I have several ideas but none of them are worth pursuing, not at the moment. Until and unless I can work out an idea worth pursuing, I'm just wasting time.

I went back to work today. I felt alright in the early morning but when the day progressed then I didn't feel as well. Other than that, nothing much to report about.

[Rose76]

I'm doing pretty well lately. Got Christmas decorations up. Apartment is much neater. Still have to send out Xmas cards. I need another hour in the day.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Trying to remember not to speak so much to those who don’t want to listen, to those who don’t want to hear my truth, and to those who exploit and judge me.

When friends stop listening when i say something that they don’t like, I should stop talking too. They’re not my friends.

Gods sake. People from this city have such a complex about being from this city. If they have low self esteem, well at least they live here! I call ********.

When asking about me, I thought he was taking an interest in me. No. I should have realized all the questions were leading and when I answered the way he didn’t expect, he got angry and didn’t want to talk anymore. I shouldn’t have kept talking. He was trying to use me to amuse himself.

Asking me if I always wanted to move here since I was a kid. Me answering no.

When I said I want to live other places in life, he said, oh you see yourself leaving this city? In a really *****y tone. Like I’m a failure for not making it in this business. I said no, not until I establish myself in my career a bit, but I believe that life is an adventure and I want to live in NYC and Paris and London and maybe Australia too.

Those answers triggered him and he didn’t want to talk anymore. He was triggered because he is 28 and still lives at home. I won’t feel ashamed for anything. I live life on my own terms and so what if I see this city as just the first chapter in my adventure? How ****ing cool would it be to live in Paris?

I don’t see how some people can live in the same place their entire life. I won’t be seen as a failure if I do leave this city. I live on my own terms. Maybe next time he says “oh you see yourself leaving” I can ask why he has so much judgement in his voice.

I remember earlier in our “friendship” he said he sees me as someone who won’t stay in this city.

He only has this job because his mother got it for him.

When I said I only have 75% data left on my phone and went to get the WiFi password from the receptionist, because I’ll need it when I go home (to the Midwest for the holidays) they laughed so hard at me. They probably thought I meant there’s no WiFi in the Midwest. Judging from their previous ignorant comments. I mumbled that it was just in case I need to take Uber. In fact they don’t realize I’m afraid I won’t be staying at home where there’s WiFi. I’m afraid of there being a fight and me relocating to a hotel.