Don't know where to go

I have had a lot happen to me in the past month.
My sister in-law went snooping through my email. She went looking in my trash folder and sent folder and found where I had an affair. She then told my brother, her husband, her parents, my parents, his ex-wife and finally my wife. My wife went looking through my phone and saw text messages with a female friend that were inappropriate. In order to attempt to save my marriage my wife wanted me to end that friendship and seek help once again for my depression and suicidal desires. The 1st therapist I saw after 2 sessions recommended IOP (intensive outpatient program). I had been to a grand total of 4 sessions of IOP before they recommended inpatient. I told them I didn't want to go, but they kept on insisting. I finally told them I would kill myself before going back to inpatient. (Retrospect poor choice of words) They called the cops on me. I quickly left that facility only to realize the cops were about 10 seconds behind me. Fortunately that was enough time for me to quickly lose them. The cops went by my house and camped out there for a while. They then found out exactly where I work. (I work at FedEx and they have a massive presence here) They then called my work and eventually came by. Fortunately I was not around at the time. That all happened Thursday. For the next 2 days they constantly called both mine and my wife's phones. They called my wife again Monday and tried to make it sound like there had been a missing person's report filed. Yesterday I spoke with a lawyer who is attempting to resolve this on my behalf.
I really want to talk to my friend because she understands. My wife tells me "Well if everyone else is saying that you need inpatient then you should go." If my marriage fails then the only thing holding me back is courage. I just need to get the courage to take the final step.
It seems as if everyone thinks the only way to treat suicidal desires is to lock you up. That only makes things worse for me. I wish my wife would understand that I am beyond saving. Every time I reach out for help it turns out badly.

Just offering HUGS Kit

Sometimes help comes in forms and ways we do not fully appreciate or recognize.

I think if you are suicidal and want to hurt yourself they have an obligation to keep you safe.

Sarah that's the thing about it. If they had actually listened to what I had to say they would have realized I was not in danger, but because I adamantly refused to go back to inpatient they said I was because they couldn't help me.

Sorry to hear all this pain, my friend. Why inpatient didnt' work the last time?

I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown and no one cared. I'm sitting on a "couch" holding my life in a brown paper bag rocking back and forth tears streaming down my face. I had a HORRIBLE migraine and they wouldn't let my wife bring it to me for 2 days then they waited until the end of the 2nd day before they told me it was there. I had all of my freedom stripped away from me and treated just a little better than a criminal in a jail. I sat around with nothing to do for most of the day, being left to my own thoughts. I went there partly because my thoughts were scaring me to an extent (I was picturing in my head how it would look if I killed myself). I could not get that thought out of my mind. Beyond that I can't put into words exactly how horrible it was. All I can say is telling me I need to go back there is like telling a rape victim they have to go back and live with their rapist.

What a nightmare...
People in the psych jobs should really learn that theis first duty is to respect the patient and be on their side. I hope you will find a therapist with this skill and you can get help.

I dont think I will. It seems as if everyone thinks "If you have depression you should be treated this way. If you have an addiction you should be treated this way. And if you are suicidal you should be treated this way." It's like the school system if you don't "learn" like the majority then oh well this is how it's going to be.

I am SO SORRY things are being so hard for you. I wish I could give you some GOOD Advice... please keep in touch with us. I hope that, whathever it happens, you'll get out of it ALIVE! Take WONDERFUL care of Yourself, my dear, sweet friend. Let us know how it goes. I am sending many hugs and many positive thoughts along you and your Wifeìs way and to your Family, Friends, Therapists and Pdocs as well! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok?

@Twitch99

There is an in-patient facility that you would probably like. They also offer partial in and partial out options as well, depending on your insurance and their intake. You would need a therapist to see you in your home state/area and also refer you to that hospital, as they won't take anyone who doesn't have a therapist upon discharge. The facility is called River Oaks Hospital, which is located in New Orleans, Louisiana. They have a "Trauma" center there, which runs different groups throughout the day. For those who are inpatient, they assign you a therapist that you see EVERY SINGLE DAY, that is, unless things have changed. The many groups there offer different types of coping skills. Some persons only visit as outpatients and see a therapist daily while also attending groups daily, probably for a period of two weeks to two months.

There's also a psychiatrist who evaluates you, and many friendly staff who can assist you when your psychiatrist and therapist aren't available.

It's a pretty nice facility, as I've been there twice. They accept Medicare, if you have that. Veterans also go there, too.

The problem with Medicare is that there's a 190-day LIFETIME cap on psychiatric facilities, which means that if you've used up all of your 190 days from numerous 3-days holds throughout your life, you won't have any funds left through Medicare to pay for it. That leaves only county or state psychiatric facilities for those with Medicare or Medicaid. Other types of insurance might cover specialized inpatient treatment though.

For outpatient treatment, I think Medicare would cover that facility without any lifetime cap penalties.

It's all confusing.

Anyway, I thought I'd suggest that to you. But first, you'd have to find a therapist who is willing to write you a referral. Not all therapists do. You'd also have to have the means to travel out there.

If an outpatient therapist cannot help you adequately because of their mandatory reporting laws, an outpatient therapist can at least refer you to a place like River Oaks, either as outpatient, partial out and partial in, or inpatient. They usually recommend inpatient the first time around. I went twice, and it was very helpful! It was a lifesaver, actually. There were many people there who described similar symptoms as you've described on your various threads here. I know you've had a hard time with therapists and inpatient treatments, so this may sound like another deadend to you, but please don't give up. (((safe hugs)))

First off New Orleans is out of the question. I have no desire to be that far away from home. Secondly inpatient is not for me. No one seems to understand no matter how much I tell them that it does me good to work and have consistency. (I know I never told you I'm just saying in general). If I go to inpatient I no longer work. Which means I'm failing in my job as a man and husband. I also am no longer able to help with things around my house that I do every day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twitch99 First off New Orleans is out of the question. I have no desire to be that far away from home. Secondly inpatient is not for me. No one seems to understand no matter how much I tell them that it does me good to work and have consistency. (I know I never told you I'm just saying in general). If I go to inpatient I no longer work. Which means I'm failing in my job as a man and husband. I also am no longer able to help with things around my house that I do every day.

@Twitch99

Totally understand. Okay, so no IP or long travels. Got it.

Do you have a physical disability that interferes with house chores or your job?

Have you tried seeing a neurologist to test for any brain injuries or abnormalities, such as tumors, lesions, etc.?

Could you check to see if you have MS or any other conditions that might be affecting your thoughts and feelings?

What do you do for work? Is your job physically or mentally laborious? Are you afraid of losing your job?

How old are you now, if you are comfortable answering? I am 45 and dealing with midlife transitional issues. Could you be dealing with age-related issues as well, even though you have had these thoughts for 30 years? Perhaps the aging issues are worsening your symptoms.

(((safe hugs)))

No I don't have any issues that interfere with daily life. I have been to a neurologist about my problem & he basically said it's in My head.

My job is both mentally & phyisically taxing. That's one reason I like it because it keeps my mind busy. If I goto IPP then that means i will have to go out on disability. Most likely Short Term. If I do that then they (the disability insurance company) has to know why. When I went out 4 1/2 years ago I found out, the hard way, that if you have depression you are no longer able to drive a truck for 6 months. If you're suicidal I'm taken off road for a year, then reevaluated. True I can't be fired for medical reasons but I can be cut from 45 hours a week (what i currenrly get) to 17 hours a week if I'm lucky.

I am 39 (not that much younger than you). In a way my problems are age related. I have been dealing with it for most of my life and now it's gotten to the point where I can't keep it inside and hidden anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twitch99 No I don't have any issues that interfere with daily life. I have been to a neurologist about my problem & he basically said it's in My head. My job is both mentally & phyisically taxing. That's one reason I like it because it keeps my mind busy. If I goto IPP then that means i will have to go out on disability. Most likely Short Term. If I do that then they (the disability insurance company) has to know why. When I went out 4 1/2 years ago I found out, the hard way, that if you have depression you are no longer able to drive a truck for 6 months. If you're suicidal I'm taken off road for a year, then reevaluated. True I can't be fired for medical reasons but I can be cut from 45 hours a week (what i currenrly get) to 17 hours a week if I'm lucky. I am 39 (not that much younger than you). In a way my problems are age related. I have been dealing with it for most of my life and now it's gotten to the point where I can't keep it inside and hidden anymore.

@Twitch99

(((safe hugs)))

Thank you for sharing what you could with me. 39 - you're still very young! But yes, that's when midlife issues can arise.

You bring up an excellent point about the "confidentiality" of those with mental illnesses. There's no confidentiality in the diagnosis, at least not for certain jobs, certain graduate school applications, etc. So then, it comes as no surprise, that there are many who avoid mental health treatment for that reason alone - veterans, police, and other governmental employees included. I had no idea that truck drivers deal with the same issues. And only recently I found out that doctors, psychologists, social workers, and licenced counselors must disclose any of their mental illnesses on record, and indicate that they have managed or taken care of those issues (they're not supposed to have unresolved issues, according to some licensing boards). So, again, there's more than stigma at play when it comes to people avoiding mental health treatment.

And those who were involved in mental health, like me, who had otherwise great reputations, fell down the landslide and into a depression replete with complex grief over the losses of the many things that could have been had our records not been tainted and outed, as if we were convicted felons who had to disclose our past or present statuses just to apply for jobs, grad applications, etc. It's not right that we are, indeed, sometimes treated like criminals. In fact, they even have research on the criminalization of the mentally ill - those largely with misdemeanor offenses that really should have been handled through therapeutic jurisprudence.

Anyway, now that I've agreed with you there, and ranted myself, back to you....

(((safe hugs)))

Rumination of any kind is challenging to beat. It sounds like your thoughts of sui are actually morbid ruminations of it, like a disconnect, but a feeling all at the same time - correct?? If you've been relatively healthy all these years with no major traumas or losses, and no known neurological issues, then maybe what you're feeling is a form of depression, perhaps, or maybe depression and those morbid ruminations of sui. --If I'm wrong, then please, explain. I'm trying to understand, so this is how I'm interpreting it - primarily because I have DID (dissociative identity disorder), and I used to have a "part" who described similar things as you, which affected me, which felt different and disconnected, but still disturbing. Although, my conditon is much different, so I cannot fully understand what your condition is, apart from what you share.

When I read that you sometimes cry, I thought about how brave that is for a man to say, especially in this stigmatizing world! I also thought that it is noble of you to work on your marriage, even after you had an affair. I'm sorry that you are struggling with all of that, too. I have a dear friend who had an affair with this lady in college, but then he told his wife and they went to marital counseling, and now they are okay. With family systems issues or marital issues, both parties should be in therapy. That might be an option for you and your family, or you and your wife, since maybe some of the issues aren't really all on you; maybe having couples counseling or family systems therapy might be the best next step. You shouldn't be on an island by yourself dealing with all of these thougths and feelings; you should have some support from your wife and extended family members, if possible.

Apart from that, it sounds like you are relatively gritty (you persevere) and resourceful. You have strengths that prevent you from actual sui attempts, which is a good thing! This is why I kept telling every therapist I meet to please record not only psychopathology, but also my strengths, and the interactions of those strengths with my pathologies. Not all therapists do that. You could ask your next therapist to do that, even if they're not used to doing that. Strengths can include optimism, resourcefulness, spiritual beliefs/practices, resilience, posttraumatic growth, psychological hardiness, self-efficacy, etc. You may put yourself down a lot, but deep inside, you may sense that you are strong, even if your feelings and thoughts don't coincide with your beliefs. I hear strength in what you're saying, and I hear some fear and hidden grief in there somewhere.

I have no idea about the specific details of your thoughts of sui, but if it has been on your mind for 30 years, it sounds more like rumination or some form of intrusion. Then again, if you've been feeling depressed/sad/despondent before or during the times you've had these thoughts, maybe it became a "routine" for you over the years for some reason, which then turned into rumination, or some automatic (maladaptive) coping skill. Breaking that routine with its connected emotions might be tough, but cognitive behavioral therapy of some kind might really help, if medications haven't helped.

CBT comes in many different types, and coping skills are embedded within CBT.

DBT is another option, which also comes in different types.

You can maybe ask a therapist to see if either of the treatments are right for you (kind of like those pill commercials that tell you to ask your doctor if this is right for you, LOL, but seriously).

You sound like you have a rewarding but tough job, and that you have many years experience with it. I hope that you are able to use your work as a means to distract you from these thoughts, like you say. I also hope that you are able to come home, relax, enjoy family, or, if you are not able to actually feel enjoyment, at least find room to relax.

If you are sad and crying, your wife should be there to comfort you and support you. Friends could also be there, too. I think it's brave for anyone to cry. I'm still having a hard time crying real tears. I feel it inside, but its hard for me to express. For you to be able to express that speaks to your strength and authenticity. Please don't put yourself down; you have many strengths you may not be aware of.

If you want, I can share one form of CBT I learned for many different things, including "depression." It's a form that we used when I was in the trauma treatment center. I will wait for your reply, and if you say yes, then I can share it in a response post here.

I hope you have a good day today. (((safe hugs)))

Here is a link I found...

Suicide: Read This First