[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Hello everyone. I don't post here as often as I used to - in part bc I am not constantly depressed as I used to be and in part bc I fear things I did not use to in regards to public forums.

To that end I will say that though I am fearful of certain things - the people on this forum have encouraged and helped me a lot in the years I have been here. For that reason alone - I continue to periodically post.

This is one of those times.

Lately I find myself crying n not always knowing why. I find myself wishing I would not live anymore. I find myself thinking of all the problems in my life and concluding life will never get better.

I have a slipped disc in my lower back. Happened about 3mo ago. Today is the first day since it happened I have not been in constant pain. I am not sure if its bc I have this severe physical pain that is bringing on this depression or if it is a "true depression" (as in the way I experienced depression in the past).

I am extra sensitive to things said - or not said.

Two examples from things regarding interactions with my husband (the only person I see on a daily basis).

When I had just got up and was severely stiff. I asked him to throw something away bc I now walk with crutches (sometimes without but only short distances of about 10ft at max and only when I feel good enough to try it). I seen he was drying his hands in the kitchen so I figured he was about to return to the living room. When I asked, he immediately started yelling bc he was about to cook (something I did not know) and ended by saying I was lazy. - That hurt bc I do try to do as much (and sometimes more) as I can. I even pick up trash in areas I am able to safely do so. This morning though, I was having trouble even walking with the crutches bc I was so stiff.

Later, when he was going to bed, I said "good night, love you". He said "good night" (no "I love you too") so that got me thinking (even solidifying) that I dont matter to him.

It's not just him though.

I find myself wondering if my back will ever get better (I was advised to go to physical therapy and so I am but my copays prevent me from going more than twice a month).

I find myself thinking things would be better for everyone if I were not alive.

I find myself wanting to go back to therapy (been out of it over 2yr now) but dont have enuf $ atm.

I find myself expecting nothing good from life.

I find myself just trying to basically distract myself every moment of every day.

So - could this stem from my physical pain or is it the long term emotional pain that was once so constant in my life (over 30yrs)?

[Thirty shades]

To me it feels like your physical health is bringing your mental health down.

It sounds like your husband isn't as supportive as he could be. That then contributes to lowering your mental health further.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Hello everyone. I don't post here as often as I used to - in part bc I am not constantly depressed as I used to be and in part bc I fear things I did not use to in regards to public forums.

To that end I will say that though I am fearful of certain things - the people on this forum have encouraged and helped me a lot in the years I have been here. For that reason alone - I continue to periodically post.

This is one of those times.

Lately I find myself crying n not always knowing why. I find myself wishing I would not live anymore. I find myself thinking of all the problems in my life and concluding life will never get better.

I have a slipped disc in my lower back. Happened about 3mo ago. Today is the first day since it happened I have not been in constant pain. I am not sure if its bc I have this severe physical pain that is bringing on this depression or if it is a "true depression" (as in the way I experienced depression in the past).

I am extra sensitive to things said - or not said.

Two examples from things regarding interactions with my husband (the only person I see on a daily basis).

When I had just got up and was severely stiff. I asked him to throw something away bc I now walk with crutches (sometimes without but only short distances of about 10ft at max and only when I feel good enough to try it). I seen he was drying his hands in the kitchen so I figured he was about to return to the living room. When I asked, he immediately started yelling bc he was about to cook (something I did not know) and ended by saying I was lazy. - That hurt bc I do try to do as much (and sometimes more) as I can. I even pick up trash in areas I am able to safely do so. This morning though, I was having trouble even walking with the crutches bc I was so stiff.

Later, when he was going to bed, I said "good night, love you". He said "good night" (no "I love you too") so that got me thinking (even solidifying) that I dont matter to him.

It's not just him though.

I find myself wondering if my back will ever get better (I was advised to go to physical therapy and so I am but my copays prevent me from going more than twice a month).

I find myself thinking things would be better for everyone if I were not alive.

I find myself wanting to go back to therapy (been out of it over 2yr now) but dont have enuf $ atm.

I find myself expecting nothing good from life.

I find myself just trying to basically distract myself every moment of every day.

So - could this stem from my physical pain or is it the long term emotional pain that was once so constant in my life (over 30yrs)?

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I had injure my back in a car accident. You are worth living. It will affect other if you were gone. you do matter. Depression always tell us that there is something wrong with us when it is not true. Your doing as much as you can and that is not being lazy. Have you though about writing down positive quotes for depression and suicide there are wonderful quotes that are motivation that will help you feel better. Remember we care about you. You matter to us.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Thirty shades

To me it feels like your physical health is bringing your mental health down.

It sounds like your husband isn't as supportive as he could be. That then contributes to lowering your mental health further.

That great advice.

[Fuzzybear]

Crypts

[MickeyCheeky]

It seems like it may be BOTH THINGS, Crypts. Unfortunately it seems like your Husband isn't being supportive of you, either! It is good that you're getting distracted as well. Keep doing that. Is there any chance of you to make some friends and meet new people outside of your Husband? I feel like that may help! I also believe you should ask yourself if you're TRULY happy with him. Give it a thought! You deserve to be happy and you CERTAINLY deserve to Live. Treat yourself with Kindness and Respect. You won't be judged here, I am sure of that! Keep taking care of yourself! Of course, take care of your Health as well, both Physical and Mental. We are here for you if you need us! Remember that you matter and your Life Matters as well! Try to distract yourself and to meet new people if that's a possibility. It's important to keep ourselves busy! Hopefully you'll feel better soon. After all, if you've been feeling better once, why can't that happens again! Wishing you the BEST of Luck! I'll keep you and all of your Loved Ones in my Thoughts and Prayers! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Crypts_Of_The_Mind, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND, OK?!

[SlumberKitty]

It sounds like the physical health might be affecting the depression and vice versa. The two can be intertwined. I'm sorry you are struggling. HUGS Kit

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Thirty shades

To me it feels like your physical health is bringing your mental health down.

It sounds like your husband isn't as supportive as he could be. That then contributes to lowering your mental health further.

Thank you. That's what I was thinking but I am not always my best analyzer (of what is happening) so figured I'd ask n get opinions.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I had injure my back in a car accident. You are worth living. It will affect other if you were gone. you do matter. Depression always tell us that there is something wrong with us when it is not true. Your doing as much as you can and that is not being lazy. Have you though about writing down positive quotes for depression and suicide there are wonderful quotes that are motivation that will help you feel better. Remember we care about you. You matter to us.

Thank you. Logically I know what you say (about depression) is true. At the moment, unfortunately, my emotions (and mind) simply do not agree with that sentiment

No I have not thought of writing quotes- but the one in my "signature" is the one that helped the most in past. I still use it to remind myself no matter how bad things get, I don't want to miss out on any of the GOOD things that "take my breath away". Thanks for the idea and advice - I may use it. ❤

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

It seems like it may be BOTH THINGS, Crypts. Unfortunately it seems like your Husband isn't being supportive of you, either! It is good that you're getting distracted as well. Keep doing that. Is there any chance of you to make some friends and meet new people outside of your Husband? I feel like that may help! I also believe you should ask yourself if you're TRULY happy with him. Give it a thought! You deserve to be happy and you CERTAINLY deserve to Live. Treat yourself with Kindness and Respect. You won't be judged here, I am sure of that! Keep taking care of yourself! Of course, take care of your Health as well, both Physical and Mental. We are here for you if you need us! Remember that you matter and your Life Matters as well! Try to distract yourself and to meet new people if that's a possibility. It's important to keep ourselves busy! Hopefully you'll feel better soon. After all, if you've been feeling better once, why can't that happens again! Wishing you the BEST of Luck! I'll keep you and all of your Loved Ones in my Thoughts and Prayers! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Crypts_Of_The_Mind, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND, OK?!

Hi Mickey
Thanks for responding and giving advice. To answer your questions: no I cannot get out n make friends here as I do not drive, we are low on money (for gas), the people here are not the "good crowd". Yes, I am sure I am.happy with my husband- though he often tells me I am not.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

It sounds like the physical health might be affecting the depression and vice versa. The two can be intertwined. I'm sorry you are struggling. HUGS Kit

Thank you.
This seems to be the agreed upon answer (everyone is coming to). As I said previously- I had this idea but I wanted other opinions too. Thank you for responding.

[Underdevelopment]

One thing I could add is your husband is more than likely frustrated FOR you. He hates to see your pain, and that frustration sets his mind into a loop where he is frustrated with life himself, knows its not your fault, but has to fight to remember that.

We also hurt those we love, knowing the will more than likely forgive us.

Him holding back saying I love you might be him externalizing his internal fight. He loves you, but hates the situation. He might be stuck in that vicious cycle himself.

Idk. I throw that out there, trying to think positive. You likewise are fighting a mental fight yourself, very conscious of your physical health and the impact it is having on your and his life. That no doubt frustrates you, probably leads to feelings of inadequacy and as though you are letting him down and everything is your fault. Reality is life happens. You both know that. Being a carer (him) is hard as he sees your pain and wants recovery for you as much as him. You feel a failure because you want recovery for you and him. It will also mean you'll be very aware of any negative ques you hear, even if said unintentionally or intentionally but not directed at you.

Hold onto hope. Don't let this break you. Who knows what life will look like in 6 months from now. Thank him. Tell him you're trying your best and need him, but also need his continued support, reassurance and love.

What youre going through is so hard. Thank you for reaching out. : Love.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Underdevelopment

One thing I could add is your husband is more than likely frustrated FOR you. He hates to see your pain, and that frustration sets his mind into a loop where he is frustrated with life himself, knows its not your fault, but has to fight to remember that.

We also hurt those we love, knowing the will more than likely forgive us.

Him holding back saying I love you might be him externalizing his internal fight. He loves you, but hates the situation. He might be stuck in that vicious cycle himself.

Idk. I throw that out there, trying to think positive. You likewise are fighting a mental fight yourself, very conscious of your physical health and the impact it is having on your and his life. That no doubt frustrates you, probably leads to feelings of inadequacy and as though you are letting him down and everything is your fault. Reality is life happens. You both know that. Being a carer (him) is hard as he sees your pain and wants recovery for you as much as him. You feel a failure because you want recovery for you and him. It will also mean you'll be very aware of any negative ques you hear, even if said unintentionally or intentionally but not directed at you.

Hold onto hope. Don't let this break you. Who knows what life will look like in 6 months from now. Thank him. Tell him you're trying your best and need him, but also need his continued support, reassurance and love.

What youre going through is so hard. Thank you for reaching out. : Love.

I never thought of him being frustrated- but you may be right. He went through this a couple years ago and roles were reversed.. he still has pain but not crippling pain. You are right - I do often feel inadequate and a failure. I always say thank you to him for everything he does - and sometimes go out of my way to thank him even when he is doing nothing, just so he knows he is appreciated bc when it was him in my situation, he seemed to expect me to do things yet not appreciate them. Thank you for your response- it gave me something to consider. ❤