Slowing down ... and then it hits

I'm trying to pack my days with activities: doing a part time job, painting, playing music, translating literature (I've been dreaming of this for a while and took this up recently to avoid having nothing at hand), ...

But inevitably, every day has its moments when you slow down: when you wake up, take a shower, have to go to the bathroom, when you eat, when you're on the way to work, when you go to sleep.

I've started watching all sorts of videos while eating, I've stopped cooking and am now on a diet of bread, cheese and some vegetables. I'm taking my computer to the toilet just to make sure I keep busy.

In a way it feels as if I am exhausting myself. On the other hand, whenever I slow down, my demons strike back harder than ever. It feels as if the more active I become, the harder they hit me. Starting the day and ending it are particularly difficult. And the inactivity involved in these moments seems inevitable. It seems crucial to find a way either to not have to slow down or to handle my thoughts when I have to.

I know what you mean.

I don't work (I can't work), so it's doubly hard for me to fill my days with stuff

especially when my first thought every day is: omg, not this again (this being the day)

it does help to be distracted. distractions are great

and thanks for the image of the computer going to toilet.

reminds me of a sceen in a cartoon where the computer is trying to connect to the world wide web... then after ages of trying to connect (failed attemps) it is able to connect, and a message comes up on screen " ah, finally deposited on the world wide web.". it just made me smile

I am also off work due to disability. A couple of weeks ago I went through Ken Burns' documentary series on the Civil War in a couple of days, then his series on the Vietnam War in another couple. I have my writing to keep me busy as well. Still, like you, I have lots of moments when not distracted, when the hopelessness and depression hits full force. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I'm in the same boat. All I can say is I empathise with your experience.

@pliepla I get where you are coming from. It seems as if you are frustrated that the demons are coming at times you don't want them, i.e. When you slow down. Did I get that right?
For me, I have a hard time getting started! I find myself getting stuck in the I don't want to do that realm. I wish I had your drive to stay busy!

Besides that a thought came to mind. I don't know if you have tried to do this consistently, but I have heard it helps. Meditations it slows the brain down and helps calm the body. My thoughts are it may help you become who you want to be. What do you think?

Getting started is not easy, but I try to make sure there's no way to escape.

I tried mindfulness in the past. It worked. And then my mother wanted some chores done ... I spent a few weekends at her place but when I wanted 30 minutes to myself, she just started yelling that there was no time to sit there sleeping for half an hour. Happened a few weekends in a row. I gave her what she wanted: my undivided attention (irony alert) Somehow, I never picked it up again.

At this moment, I am far too restless to start over ...

I think I know what you mean, pliepla. If you run really fast for awhile you can outrun it, but once you start to slow down something overtakes you and floods you with poison. Then you can't do much of anything.

Hugs,