I Don't Want Anything

Strange day today. I don't feel happy, sad, stressed, anxious, worried, excited, euphoric, somber, angry...I don't feel anything except this sort of dull ache and a complete lack of energy or initiative.

I don't think I got enough sleep last night. Maybe that's it. I'm at work and have forced myself to do a few minor tasks but for the most part I've been staring blankly at my computer, the walls, my shoe. I snuck away at one point and took a nap in one of the photo studios. It's a great place to hide. But it didn't help.

I've also been thinking a lot about sex. Not really in an aroused way, more just mourning the close warmth and affection. I reflect on what I wish my marriage was like and then let it go. There's no point in wishing for that kind of sexual relationship. It's so improbable, I don't even hope for it anymore. And to pursue it irritates my wife and I don't want that. It's easier if I don't want anything. This train of thought ends with the simple acknowledgement that we are all alone.

I don't want to move. My muscles feel weak and useless. Nothing interests me. I don't want to do anything. I don't insist on being happy and I don't care that I'm not sad.

I don't want anything.

I have therapy today and don't really want to go. I don't have the energy to talk about my problems and certainly not to do any work. It actually costs more if I cancel this close to the appointment so I'll go. I don't want to waste even more money. But I don't see the point either. There's nothing he can do and I don't want to pretend that there is.

I don't know how to end this post. I don't have anything to say. I don't know. Maybe I just don't want to be, which isn't the same as dying. It's being perfectly neutral. Void of resistance. There's no conflict, no motivation, and no need.

Life seems to be an all or nothing game. And I don't want anything.

Cyran0

(((Cyran)))

I know the feeling. There are so many days that I don't want to do anything. So many days where I feel nothing. I could (and have) just stayed in bed practically all day doing exactly that.

Get out of the house. It's good for you.

hey... can i add you to my Christmas list?

[[[[ Cyrano ]]]]

ive felt that kind of despair... is it apathy? self-apathy? days when tying your shoes isnt worth it... like walking down the train tracks with your shoelaces untied... you know the chances...

be careful my friend... have you had a personal vacation lately? is it possible?

dont let me cheer you up if you dont want to... dont let me make you cry....

youve reasons to be alive.. one step at a time... dont give up ... therapy can surprise... hope something good happens to you today...

I'm sorry that you're feeling so lifeless C, hope you feel better soon, have you discussed this with your dr? Your meds appear to be letting you down.

CY,

Im sorry you feel this way today. were here to listen friend....or to just stare blankly at each other...if need be ;-)

NWTR is right. maybe a personal vaca?? sounds like you can use one.

were here bud...take it easy today K?

and if youre in the mood for a laugh visit the "love thread". otherwise Iwill poke my head in every now and again and check on you k?

thanks,
Colleen

(((((((HUGS)))))))))

nowheretorun, sure, you can add me to your Christmas list.

I don't have a regular doctor right now but I'm meeting my new one next week. I'm sure new drugs are in my immediate future.

Man, what am I even saying? Sorry guys, I can't even think of a proper response. I'm sitting here looking at the screen and feeling the keys with my fingertips and it's like the weight of the atmosphere around me is too much to work against. I don't even want to breathe.

Vacation. Not really possible right now. I'm producing a four day shoot in Vegas in two weeks so I can't get away. Good idea though.

I'm going to sign off. I just can't do this right now. I'm ok. I'm not sad. I just can't do the PC thing at the moment.

Cyran0

Take care ((((((( Cyran0 ))))))

i know how u feel.. i am feeling the same way now. except i just want to sleep and not wake up. i told my hub that and he went on the whole " i have to cherish life lingo". well right now i dont feel that way. right now i dont want to deal with anything or anyone. right now i just want to sleep. hopefully meds will kick in and take me out of this misery. i've been preaying that God takes me out of this dark place as i am a believer. i hope that u feel better soon cyran0.

I don't seem to get this emptyness feeling. For me it is just feeling good or suffering actively. Anywa, we are not meant to feel nothing. Or we would be minerals, not men. Although a mineral's life is way easier than ours, you seem not to be a stone
So I hope you will feel better as soon as possible.

As an unwise frog of little brain it sounds to me like your psyche is taking a time out. Having survived the chaos of Christmas and not yet ready to take on the uncertainty of a new year. Everything is just shutting down needing a chance to revive.

As far as the sex part, I won't touch that with a 10 pole or a 6 ft russian. It actually sounds more the intimate bond that occurs when you care deeply for some one and the feelings are returned. It's as much the "soul mate" attachment as the physical sex part.

IMHO I think your "mood" would improve with a few good nights of restorative sleep. Naps don't count.

My little slimy froggy heart goes out to you. I've been there. It's not fun but you don't have the energy to do anything about it.

Here for you if you need me.

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Cyran0 said:
I don't know how to end this post.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
That literally made me tear up; I think I know just how that feels; the meandering, no end in sight, "dribble".

Thank you for your post; I've been thinking about the comforting love, think I know what that is too and know my husband would happily bask in some of that and shall get the chance soon because of your words and I, in return, will get too also of course as it takes two

So, you may not want anything, Cyran0, but you're still giving lots by being who you are and sharing it with us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

((((((((((((((( Cyran0 ))))))))))))))

(((((C)))))

Good luck with the new doc next week! You don't always have to be the strong, clever one! Rest!

When I feel that way I can't help but to think of this Collective Soul tune. "Disciplined Breakdown"

I never ever can remember
All the things that go bump in the night
Quietness uncovers
Betrayal now hovers
And my comfort levels not quite right
I'd love to stay and evaluate
But my torture can't wait
It seems I'm losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

I never ever can decipher
Who listens to the words I say
While I sense I'm searching
I never know who's lurking
To scare my sacred thoughts away
I'd love to hang and chat a while
But my mind's become vile
It seems I'm losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

I never ever can contribute
To finding all the faults that sustain
Never mind the answers
To who spreads the cancer
When the questioning of why remains
I'd love to sit and rationalize
But my tongue's become dry
It seems I'm losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

Breakdown Reality
Breakdown my ability to get it back
Breakdown honestly
Breakdown now deliver me
From all this madness and all this agony

Thanks for all the support. All of you. As always, it means a lot.

AAAAA, it's funny but I find that once I stop being the strong clever one, I stop being anything. Or, at the very least, I'm left as this sort of worthless lump. I don't think I'm very good at just being, like just being me isn't enough to offer anyone.

At any rate, I got nearly twelve hours of sleep and now I feel fine. Or, as good as I normally feel. I was exhausted and this took an emotional toll. What can I say but whoops? I hate that I'm prone to letting that happen but it does happen a lot.

Therapy was a breeze because I didn't really need to say anything. We're still just getting started and he wanted me to absorb some basic cognitive concepts. I already knew a lot of it but I was content to let him lecture.

Thanks again for all your posts. I read them carefully and appreciated all of them.

Cyran0

{{{{{{{{{{{Cy}}}}}}}}}}}

Haunted, great poem! I can relate.

((((((cyran))))))

Breathe with me, together in time
let lifes weight not be yours and mine....
The struggles are here, yet we carry on still
climbing that imposing hill....

Can I walk with you a while
maybe laugh, or just a smile,
at least this duo will share a thought
avoid the cobwebs, don't get caught....

I feel the same today you see
can't seem to find the spirit in me....
lethargy, no interest at all
so lets catch each other should we fall....

sorry

Jin x

(((((jin)))))

I have felt that way. I look around and I see mess everywhere and I dont like it but I dont do anything. To get up and do soemthing is just, ugghh. I am not explaining it too well. I know i need to do it, but ii just cant get the gumption to do anything and i really don't care. maybe moggles has a right to be worried and it was ok for him to do what he did for me to get psych consult.

All I can say, one step at a time, one second at a time. ((((((((((((cyran0))))))))))))))))))))) take care...melanie

Thanks Melanie. And I think you explained yourself very well.

Cyran0

(((((C))))) Here's to 2008 being a happier year! Continued gl in T. FYI, you're perfect just the way you are!