I thought I was over Depression

Hello, I'm a survivor from sexual abuse as a child. Because of that I lived with waves of depression. I even experienced postpartum depression after having my last child. I thought I finally found my way away from depression, but then in 2018 I lost my father suddenly who I only had in my life for about 10 years, I never told him what happen to me as a child, but one day I wanted to. He was a great father for the years I had him, I just didn't want to him to think it was his fault from him abandoning us. But I never got the chance, I have since dealt with the grief, but now I just recently learned one of my children has a major health issue/defect. I also recently found love again after 4 long years of being removed from a toxic relationship. I find myself with a world wind of emotions, I could be sitting at my desk at work and just feel this urge to be mad and want to scream! Sometimes I don't want to go home to my children but there are days they make all those feelings go away. I feel at times my partner isn't giving me enough, but in reality I know he is, he is actually amazing nothing compared to my past relationship, but I feel nothing is ever enough or maybe I'm scared from my past abuse that I'm to consume of worry that he is going to leave me because of everything going on in my life. I find myself trying to make something out of nothing so I can have a reason just to be mad. I don't want to be mad all the time, I end up yelling at my kids just because they didn't do a simple chore or maybe the tone they choose to use at the moment. Am I depressed again?? Is this possible something else... I just want to be happy but this urge is slowly dragging me down. I fill my own head with negative thoughts as well that then put a large gray crowd over me and I just want to be left alone, ugh I don't know what to do

Thank you for having the courage to share your experiences with us. It is possible that you are experiencing a resurgence in major depressive disorder, as well as other psychiatric problems. A lot of the symptoms you describe are symptoms that I experienced as well, before I left work some months ago on mental health leave.

It's very good that you recognize some of your actions, thoughts, and feelings towards others may not be good. Being mad all the time is a symptom of depression in some cases, and can lead to outbursts like yours at your children ot while at work.

I think you should see a psychiatrist, if you aren't already and are able to do so. You don't say whether you're currently taking any medications; if not, the right one can make a huge difference in terms of your ability to function. If you are unable to function at work, and there's no shame in that, then there may be programs where you live (state, etc.) that could provide income assistance if/when you need to take off work

I would like to add to what 3rd rock said, that if you are already on any meds, some of them can actually cause depression, among other kinds of problems. So you might want to ask your doctor to try a different medication. I wish you all the best!

You’ve been through quite a bit of trauma in your life. I think it would be normal to have some ongoing sadness or depression as a result of that, especially considering new issues that have arisen in recent years. I struggle with this too. I’ve only just recently acknowledged to myself that it’s truly a problem for me and affects all areas of my life. It sounds like you’re ahead of the game if you recognize it. Best of luck to you. I hope you’re able to get help and support.