[LundiHvalursson]

Much has been said on the topic of dating as an Asperger male, but I think there is not much said about one's dating reputation. In my own case, being a 30 year old virgin male who has always been single and never had even one girlfriend, I notice that in the past whenever people found out, their opinion of me changed. My reputation was essentially ruined permanently. Whether it was amongst fellow males for friendship, or amongst females for dating/courtship, both usually ended up dropping whatever positive opinions they had about me and it changed to very negative.

As in, in the past, when people asked, and I revealed to them my situation, they would usually gossip amongst others. Word spread like wildfire amongst my social communities, and people usually thought of me as "defective" as a person, viz. a "reject". I did not really care if males did not want to be friends with me because they thought that being friends with a virgin like me was beneath them, but it really hurt when females had in their mind that I was a "reject". It made it hard not only to date the women who knew, it also made it hard to date the other women who found out via third parties (gossip).

As a male with Asperger's how did you fix your dating reputation? I turned 30 in late October this year, and my dating reputation is more or less ruined in this city. I am sure that any women who newly emigrated here might possibly know from gossip from some of my acquaintances. And it seems like when women find out, even if it is unconfirmed gossip, questions seem to raise in their head about my viability as a potential boyfriend given that I am single/virgin this old.

Of course, this does not have anything to do with my own self-esteem. I am raising it by myself. I am referring to my dating reputation as a whole in women's opinions, regardless of how I feel about myself.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by LundiHvalursson

Much has been said on the topic of dating as an Asperger male, but I think there is not much said about one's dating reputation. In my own case, being a 30 year old virgin male who has always been single and never had even one girlfriend, I notice that in the past whenever people found out, their opinion of me changed. My reputation was essentially ruined permanently. Whether it was amongst fellow males for friendship, or amongst females for dating/courtship, both usually ended up dropping whatever positive opinions they had about me and it changed to very negative.

As in, in the past, when people asked, and I revealed to them my situation, they would usually gossip amongst others. Word spread like wildfire amongst my social communities, and people usually thought of me as "defective" as a person, viz. a "reject". I did not really care if males did not want to be friends with me because they thought that being friends with a virgin like me was beneath them, but it really hurt when females had in their mind that I was a "reject". It made it hard not only to date the women who knew, it also made it hard to date the other women who found out via third parties (gossip).

As a male with Asperger's how did you fix your dating reputation? I turned 30 in late October this year, and my dating reputation is more or less ruined in this city. I am sure that any women who newly emigrated here might possibly know from gossip from some of my acquaintances. And it seems like when women find out, even if it is unconfirmed gossip, questions seem to raise in their head about my viability as a potential boyfriend given that I am single/virgin this old.

Of course, this does not have anything to do with my own self-esteem. I am raising it by myself. I am referring to my dating reputation as a whole in women's opinions, regardless of how I feel about myself.

You are not alone!

[LundiHvalursson]

In the past month, it sure feels like it.

[singularity01]

Try a dating app. You can find women outside of your city. Don't give out information about being a virgin or not having past relationships. Some things are better left unsaid. If someone asks, just say you don't want to discuss your past relationships. End of story.

[Fuzzybear]

I think you've known some crappy people. The advice above makes sense.
People who engage in gossip are usually not worth our time anyway. I hope you find some people who are worth your time outside that ''circle''..

[LundiHvalursson]

I have not been attending meetups much lately. But last Sunday I attended a meetup, mostly to talk to an acquaintance from before. I do not mind talking with him just to chat, but there was a mini idiotic incident that happened too.

Some woman in her 50s introduced herself to me, started asking me about my job then started to criticise me for my job. Then she blurted out, "This is my first time at this meetup, so I lost my meetup virginity." A woman in her 60s next to her overheard her and said, "Well, if you are like me, you are going through a drought and you become a born-again virgin. I need to lose my virginity again!" Then the first women said, "I only lost my virginity once, but sometimes I guess you gotta lose it over and over." Then addressing me, asked me, "So, how you doin' in that area? Gotta lose your virginity again and again too?" I just replied, "Yeah, I don't know", quickly got up and left.

It is close to unbelieveable if I tell this to anyone from somewhere else. I cannot believe how people, especially grown adults who are more on the elderly side can bring up these topics with strangers. At the same time it seems like people somehow have magic vision and can see that I have no relationship or sexual experience.

I think it's great that you are still attending meet-ups and still getting out there and trying. I admire that. It takes courage and pluck. Of course, i was not in the situation, but i don't feel the older women were picking on you for being a virgin. They probably had no idea. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt tho. I feel it might help you to get more involved with others and less focused on yourself. You seem to be very self-conscious. It's courageous of you to attempt this by going to a meet-up, i think it's just what you need. This one didn't go so well of course but the next ones might. Bon chance mon ami!

[LundiHvalursson]

I feel like I have no other group to join to socialise/meet people. Facebook groups are mostly just online, not in person, and it seems like I have tried all the groups that are available here, i.e. meetup.com, Couchsurfing and InterNations. The last of these in particular I have met especially nasty people.

[singularity01]

Originally Posted by LundiHvalursson

I feel like I have no other group to join to socialise/meet people. Facebook groups are mostly just online, not in person, and it seems like I have tried all the groups that are available here, i.e. meetup.com, Couchsurfing and InterNations. The last of these in particular I have met especially nasty people.

Maybe try to make your own group? I would do that if I felt like I had the time to organize activities. I don't though because I've got too much going on between work and my kids. I might try something like that maybe a decade from now when my kids are all grown up.

[LilyMop]

I don’t think you should worry about what other people are saying about you. It sounds to me like they’re being very rude. As far as those women joking about virginity at your Meetup group, I’m certain they were making jokes about themselves and it had nothing to do with you. I think you should keep joining Meetup groups and form one of your own if you don’t find a good one. People will join your group if you set one up. There are always nice people out there looking for positive and constructive things to do. Don’t give up.

[MickeyCheeky]

It seems like that city in general is being quite toxic and unhealthy for you. Perhaps it is too extreme, but would it be possible for you to go to another City? I understand if you can't! I'd alsos uggest to keep trying with Dating Websites and similar things. Hopefully there's at least someone who will appreciate you for WHO YOU TRULY ARE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @LundiHvalursson, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[LundiHvalursson]

I mentioned this to my mother, who is a woman who is very close to age 60. She said that there would be no way in bloody hell that either she or any other women whom she has known would ever bring up such a topic at a meetup, especially amongst total strangers. She grew up in the exact same place that I did, right here. Except several decades ago.

I am not sure what is going on, because apparently it seems like only within this bubble of a radius of perhaps 100 km/60 miles do people seem to talk like this. And then when you leave that radius people are very different, i.e. more normal like other places.

In any case, I just find it weird, at least way too coincidental that somehow anytime I want to try socialising/meeting people here, this topic just pops up out of nowhere.