Confession

My Ts always ask, after I admit to a suicidal episdoe -- "Do you promise to call me before you do anything? No matter what time of day or night?"

I always say yes. Finally I asked the T I worked w/most closely: You know that I don't really mean my promise to call, don't you?

She said, ":Yes, I know. But I want you to promise anyway. I want you to know that I do mean that I want you to call."

I called a hotline once. The young woman there tried so hard to keep me talking, but I found the conversation kind of boring and circular. I thought she wasn't very good at it. But she was sincere. Caring. She was giving up her free time to volunteer to help suffering people, which is more constructive than anything I do with my life.

And just the talking, just being on the phone for a while, calmed me down, and I didn't have to feel the guilt of thinking that I'd imposed and scared someone close to me.

I definitely would call a crisis line again. Unlike calling a loved one, it is completely anonymous, completely noncomittal. I can hang up anytime.

A loved one will freak. If I hang up, they will call back. Maybe call the police (most of my dear ones are to far away to drive over themselves). I can take or leave what the crisis line offers, can make that one, final last-ditch effort to save oneself.

I think the will to live is pretty strong in most of us, and even though we are suffering and in such pain, suicide is still a very hard think to succeed at. 15% of us die -- but 85% of us live.

Anyone know how many of those who live go on to live happy lives? Or do we tend to suffer with depressive episodes for our entire lives?

When I'm very down, I have a hard time talking, so calling a hotline won't work for me, but having a friend talk to me helps. I don't know how many times this friend talked me out of it. We'd be on the phone for hours, and he wouldnt hang up until I'm ok. Sometimes I even SI while talking to him, and I can tell how concerned he gets.

Once I called to leave a message (cuz I thought he was out) to say 'goodbye', but it turned out he was there.

Sometimes 99% of me wants to die, but there's that 1% who doesn't. I'm usually on automatic by this point.

Ok, enough rambling... sorry

Good point. I'll have to try to remember that.

Shhhh - about the deletion. Don't jinx it. )

((((((((((((((((((((((((((sky))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) thank you.

well.. at this point my T doesn't answer that question (about the phone call) because he refuses to allow me to visualize the situation... where I'm at and calling him... he stops it in MY mind so, though I know if I end up there, of course he wants a call, the best thing is to call before getting to that point... or trying to not work on therapy issues outside of session...

Off the topic, I love your subname "Poohbah."

Had a standard poodle, a real cranky eccentiric of a dog, that was nicknamed
The Grand Poohbah.

lol (((((fly))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((SS))))))))))))))))))

OK now you can give YOUR opinion...

DocJohn has these levels of membership, based upon how many posts you have made (not how long you've been a member)

my current level is Poohbah... I have always known it to be a rather derogatory term... like someone who thinks they are a grand ruler over actually, nothing... what's your take on it?

Thanks ((((((((((((((((((((((fuzzy)))))))))))))))))))))

Hope you are hanging in there SS.

I hope you are feeling better.

Re: Poohbah. I don't know, I always envison a kind of 1930s-1950s Hollywood version of a mideastern potentate, in purple striped billowing harem pants and a bright yellow kind of vest with a shirt with billowing sleeves. And the harem girls with plenty of navel showing and bra-style tops. Where Hollywood got the idea of harem girls from,l when Mideast women are apparently swaddled in burkahs defies reason, doesn't it.

I think it's a kind of nice, light, romantic way of acknowledging your contributions.

The word that just came to mind was "dominion." Poohbah shows that you have a kind of dominion (but not dominating or domineering) over communication on our list.

I say -- enjoy it. It's a fun word.

I do so hope you're feeling better. Peace and blessings.

(((((((((((SS8282)))))))))))))

Thanks (((((((((((((((((lost)))))))))))))))))))))) love your hugs. )

lol Wants2Fly . I see the poohbah as some kind of cartoon charactor - similar to what you said, but kinda like, hmmm. The 'genie' in Aladdin - the animation. Hmmm. to me, it applies to a male, rather than a female. Sorry to all those female poohbahs.

You're right - it is a fun word.