[LadyDragus]

I just got off the phone with my mom... and I feel so worthless. I can not help her in the way I want to.. She is having major issues with her back, and now is going to have to have surgery yet again on it.. she is so tiny compared to me, in size and I love her so much, I want to be with her all the time so I can take care of her..

She is questioning if I care for her, wich I now and understand is her "deperssion" starting to show, but how do you tell someone that they need to seek advice, when she will deny it.. I know she will cause I ahve talked to her about it before..

I love my mom, but she also has custody of my oldest daughter and it scares me to think that she may not be able to take care of herself let alone anyone else... I am so scared on what to do...
This dragon is falthering in so many ways right now, my deperssion is strating to bring up things I do not want to deal with, nor do I have the nerve to handle right now..
My wings are falthering, and ready to give up again..
I do not know if I can handle this all alone.. Even with the help of Bryon my beloved with me by my side..

I have never felt this helpless in my life before, I want to help her out, but I do not know how.. I can not be with her she is over 5 hours away, and I can not dirve up there cause I do not have the money to do that overnight.. I would love to see her daily, but I can not handle that kind of drive and still be able to afford to go to school, and put food on my table
*dragon tears flowing like a river*

I am lost, and do not know if I want to be found..

<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

Im so sorry about your mom. Its so good that you were able to talk to her on the phone. Its obvious that you care greatly for your mom and your sister and that is awesome for them to have you. I know life is so unpredictible. Know we care and please message me if you need anything.

[wisewoman]

I' m sorry for your bad news. I hope your mom does okay. How old is your daughter? Maybe she can help some. Maybe you could spend a weekend after the surgery? Be good to yourself.

[Taonuviel]

That's difficult. My mom is also dealing with a lot of pain, but there's nothing I can do for her. I'm tempted to feel guilty over her pain, but the truth I have to accept is that she is the only one who can make her decisions, and I can do nothing for her physical pain. And I live with her!
While it's hard to accept, the truth is each person has to make their own decisions, choose their own beliefs about others, be responsible for their own care. It sounds like you're showing you love her, and she needs to understand you can't just leave and go to her, you have a life you can't always leave.

I hope her surgery goes well, and that you can feel better about this.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[(JD)]

Tough issue. My mother gets into her tizzy fits and does the exact opposite of what we discuss and decide so I quit "helping". So now it is in the hands of my sister.... If you don'thave another to pass it to, call social services or her doctor and suggest what you think the doctor needs to know. She can still make her own decision, but you can cause others to give their input also.

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Lady D -- So sorry that you can't be with your mom when you to be. I'm sure your telephone support means a lot to her and that she understands, since you are so close.

Don't feel guilty. You have a disease, too, and the world forgets it -- and increases the dark voice that says we are not worthy, worthless etc. etc.

[hamstergirl]

I second Tao. As bad as your mother feels, only she herself can bear the pain. No one else can feel it for her, or "take her place". I know this from experience. You can only do the best that you can, to some that may feel inadequate, but people feel inadequate when faced with stuff like this and they may say the wrong thing.

I've read some of my own posts to Doug. What do you say to something like that? Nothing at all apparently and that's the reply I get: nothing. It may look like he doesn't care, but maybe he does and doesn't want to put his foot in his mouth. (I vote for option #2, I sleep better at night believing he cares and doesn't know what to say.)

I've had to accept this and move on. It still makes bearing pain a lonely experience. But when the time comes when they operate on your mother, they will be operating on her and not on you. Because you do want to take your mother's place, I bet and you can't do that, plus you live 5 hours away.

Doug's lucky. When I'm suffering and lonely, he can send a saint to visit me. I know that sounds silly, but thank God for my faith or I'd be in real sorry shape and Doug would be pounding the walls right now, feeling helpless. Because Doug can't see me either; he's 600 km away. What else can he do for me, other than keep the lines of communication open?

He can send a saint.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Peanut61]

Hugs 4 ((((((((((((((((((Trish))))))))))))))))...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>
<div class="foot">(Edited by Peanut61 on 08/15/04 04:42 AM.)</div>

[hamstergirl]

I have another idea. You might not be able to be with your mother, but you can mail her a letter, telling her how much you love her.

I know it sounds silly, but for the price of a stamp, your mother will have something that she can take with her into the hospital and look at it at will. I'm going to do that with any replies Doug has sent me. I'm going to print out the good stuff and take it to the hospital with me. He might not be able to be there, but I will have a tangible reminder that he cares. I don't know about your mother, but if I were to get a letter from someone, anyone, I'd be thrilled. I've been known to keep letters and cards that I get when sick, for years, just to remind me that people care.

And folks, the phone line has been rather busy of late. Doug's been able to send a couple of good replies. So I will keep them and save them for the dry spells, when he doesn't know what to say.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[LadyDragus]

Thank you

<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[LadyDragus]

I hope she knows I mean it when I tell her I care, she just sounded like she did not belive me..

and it just really hurt.. me last night

<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[LadyDragus]

i have talked to my cousion who is helping her out while she is up there last night, so I could maybe get some insight.. she said it is the pain talking.. Cause she was out of her pain medication.. so I can understand a little bit better, but I am still scared for her..
and very very worried..



<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[LadyDragus]

I will keep you all updated.. She goes back to another doc, on Monday, when she finds out more about the test she had done, on Friday....

Worry Worry.. that is all I can do..

<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[LadyDragus]

I am going to try and spend the weekend after, it all depends on what the doc says when she goes back on Monday,tommorw..

all the prayers are needed and apperaciated for now..

Thank you all


<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[LadyDragus]

i now know you all care a great deal.
I call her daily now, and most likely will, daily till I know she is ok.. When she is in the hospital, I will ahve to buy calling cards to be able to call her on daily, to check up on her..
I want to make sure she is ok, and to be able to check up on my child tooo..
she will have it hard not having my mom at home for a few days while she is in school.....

This is going to be a rough semster on me too ,and on them..
I am trying so hard to get better now all of this.. Why does it pour when it should just sprinkle



<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[LadyDragus]

Thank you for that idea..
Since I bought my computer I have not hand written a letter to my mom, in ages..

I think I will actually do that tonite even..
That is the best idea I have heard..
Thank you so much..

you deserve big hugs for htat one..


<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[(JD)]

I agree with... ? forgot already...

SEND A CARD. Most moms like to receive cards... the wording is always so beautiful and they can read it often, and stand it up to remind them of the love...

[SS8282]

(((((((((((Lady)))))))))))))) so sorry about your mom. Spending the weekend with her might be hard on you too. Please remember that if she doesn't seem appreciative or believe that you love her, it's the pain and depression talking.

Besides a card/letter, how about a gift, for display so every time she sees it, she'll think of you - same as your child.

You, your mom, and daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[hamstergirl]

It pours because God has to send the rain somewhere. When it does pour like this, we can store the extra rainwater in barrels and share it with the neighbours, whose crops may be dying in a drought. I guess He figures we're more likely to share than someone else.

My Lady, it has poured so much on me, it's a miracle that I never got pneumonia.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[dexter]

Lady D

I am so sorry to hear about the difficult time you are having. It is a difficult situation to deal with, not just a manifestation of "your depression." As I have said before, you have a great asset in being able to understand a lot about what is going on. While that doesn't alleve the pain it does help you to deal with it. I find incredible strength in the fact that you know and understand that many of the things she says are really not meant, but that they are because of the pain she is in and that they are partly because of her insecurity that comes part and parcel with her depression. This knowledge does not take away the hurt of the situation... but yet you use that knowledge to keep yourself centered and continue to work on the support that you know your mother needs, and are able to deal with your own pain in healthy ways such as discussing them here.

I am hoping that with time this situation will improve and will become less painful for you. I know you have the strength and power to keep working toward that goal.

I agree with hamstergirl and sky that sending a written letter or a card is an excellent idea. I will be especially powerful now that such gestures have been so largely replaced by email in this day and age.

Keep posting, we are always here for you.

{{{{{{{lady d}}}}}}}

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[LadyDragus]

Thank you I am in the process of writing the letter as we speak on and off line..
she does not know I am writing her a letter, and then Jess and I are going to sit down and color her a pic so she can also have that for her tirp to the hospital..

<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[LadyDragus]

i guess my little rain shower does not look like much to you does it..

I am sorry I should look beyond my pain and take in to concern others..

It just hurts to see her in so much pain and I can not do anything to help her.. When she is my mom, she is the one who gave me life, this is almost as bad as one of my kids being sick for with them I want to take it away, but with my mom, Moms are not supposed to get sick.. (well not mine)
She has always been ther for me, and now I can not be there for her, and it just pains me not to be.. I wish I could just drop everything and quit my new job, so I could take care of her, but if I do that my new self esteem will fall even more into my pit, and that will not help me at all
I am between a rock and a very hard place right now.. and I do not know what else to do

<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[LadyDragus]

Thank you ever so much.....

<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[LadyDragus]

That's ok..
I am handwriting a letter to my mom tonite, and my daughter, is drawing a picture for her..
gotta run dinner

<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[(JD)]

<font color=blue> (((((LadyDragus)))))
<font color=green> All we can do is the best we can do. You are making the best decisions you can, for now. Don't second guess yourself. God doesn't and can't possible expect us to do more than our best; how would that be possible?

<font color=purple>Let your mother know you are trying to do your best... ask her if it's enough... she might surprise you and say you're doing fine. (And if she doesn't, we're here to remind you that you are!)