[MatBell]

I'm sitting here in the morning and wanted to write. I have a lot of anxiety in the morning. Have had now for a couple of months. It's so hard to get through. Heart palpitations and racing thoughts, ruminations. At this point I'm often without much hope. I don't know when it stops again. I'm taking Oxapax once a day to deal with it - it doesn't help that much. Maybe a higher dose? It's very addictive so I have to be careful.

I know it all have to do with my uncertainty in life. Having to move to a new city, no job, not a lot of support besides from family. It's a daily struggle for me. Many times I don't think I can make it. Don't see any hope for me. It's too much of a burden and I've spent all my energy.

The evenings are usually better. Anyone have this? My mind and body relaxes more. I look forward to it every day. What a life, eh? At least I'm still here. Clinging on.

I have a doctor's appointment in a few hours. I will update you on how it all goes.

I'm happy I can write here - depression makes you feel SO alone. You can't imagine anyone else going through it as bad as you. But there are of course. I'm just grateful you listen to me. I've been going through a lot these last years and you've comforted me so many times when I've been so alone without hope.

[Mopey]

Good morning Mat - Good to hear from you.

It sounds as if you've moved already?

Personally I constantly work on trying to quiet my mind so that I can focus on one thing at a time. Isn't easy. Feels like I'm trying to control a team of wild horses.

Especially now, with the pandemic, I find I'm having more trouble than usual concentrating. And more anxiety.

Anyway, I hope the doctor's appointment goes well and that you're staying safe.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by Mopey

Good morning Mat - Good to hear from you.

It sounds as if you've moved already?

Personally I constantly work on trying to quiet my mind so that I can focus on one thing at a time. Isn't easy. Feels like I'm trying to control a team of wild horses.

Especially now, with the pandemic, I find I'm having more trouble than usual concentrating. And more anxiety.

Anyway, I hope the doctor's appointment goes well and that you're staying safe.

Hi Mopey. Good to hear from you too.

I have a lot more anxiety too these days. What time of the day is the best for you? Mine is in the evening, my mind and body relaxes a bit more then.
I haven’t moved yet. I get the apartment on the 15th.

Yesterday I went home in bed straight after my appointment. I was just feeling so miserable. I try not to beat myself up about going to bed in the afternoon. It was just what I was capable of yesterday. We need to do what feels right and not think if it’s “normal”, right?
I’m pretty wobbly but try to get through the days as best I can. It doesn’t take much to knock me out of balance..

I hope you stay safe too.

[winter4me]

Thanks for these posts. I too find mornings difficult---all the bad stuff is There when I wake up-----this wasn't always so but it is beginning to feel as if it has always been this way----I was really enjoying the short winter days, the early darkness seemed to give me permission to relax into the night early & long...

[Mopey]

Hello again Mat.

I think that's really nice that the day improves for you as it goes on. Kind of gives you something to look forward to.

As for me, I'm definitely a morning person. My energy level is highest after I first get up, although I have to make prodigious efforts not to let my negative thoughts take over me. If I have something important to do I try to get it done in the morning, because immediately after lunch my motivation disappears entirely and I can hardly get myself moving at all.

I find that I sleep a great deal lately. Often my body tells me to take a nap in the afternoon, so I do. You can't get into trouble while you're sleeping, right? And for some reason I seem to need the rest.

There's a lot going on for you right now, you know. The constant underlying depression and anxiety, the move you're about to make, the loss of your therapist, the need to find employment. It's no wonder you feel weighed down. I can totally relate. Sometimes it's hard just to keep breathing.

Well, speaking of work, I must get on with my bank statement.

Sending you many hugs and good wishes.....

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Thanks for these posts. I too find mornings difficult---all the bad stuff is There when I wake up-----this wasn't always so but it is beginning to feel as if it has always been this way----I was really enjoying the short winter days, the early darkness seemed to give me permission to relax into the night early & long...

I enjoy the short days too. Summer is often harder on me, feeling more sad and alone, than I do in the winter.

[downandlonely]

@MatBell one thing I know for sure is you are definitely not alone (although I know depression can make it feel that way). It's hard with all the uncertainty out there. I hope things improve for you soon.

[winter4me]

I am often woken early in a sweat by dreams of my former work (RN)---I 'retired' but my license is still active---the dreams are all on the theme of being overwhelmed and unable to negotiate a task in a timely manner with those around me blind to my state of near paralysis. Since I never dreamed of my childhood until I went to therapy a couple of lifetimes ago (always been a prolific dreamer)---and boy I wish that hadn't begun---I wonder if it is "safe" now to begin to process somethings that really did traumatize me related to work...like it was safe to dream of my family....Only, you see, it ISN'T because it doesn't change my being for the better...blah blah blah

And work was my strong suit, so what does this mean?
(...but it did begin much better than it ended...)