Purpose in Life

Why am I here? What is my purpose? I have none. I've been searching for it. Something to cling onto. But there is none. If I find something, it's never good enough or ripped out of my life as fast as it came in.

I want to do good. I want good people around me. This never happens. I find myself alone in a dark place. It affects all aspects of my life.

I want to make changes, but cant bring myself to do it. I make excuses. I even write lists, but I just dont even try. I cant bring myself to even try. My head gets in the way of my heart.

I see other people and they all seem to be graced by god. They have close family, friends, a life to live the way they want for the most part.

Have you found your purpose? How did you get there?

What is causing you to feel this way? Did something recently happen to you?

It may be important to notice and write down the thoughts that interfere with your ability to do what you aspire to, even in small part. (I know for myself I catch snips of things said to me eons ago by my parents, or reminders of the things I failed to follow through on etc.resulting in a feeling of not being worthy to even walk out my door.
I have found that (at this time in my life) setting small goals for each day (after I am up and about) helps. [politically/socially it may mean signing a petition or reading up on news, even showing up at a demonstration. Homewise it may be to do the dishes, or go food shopping, do a bit of weeding in the garden...] What you see really is other people who are also making their way through their own challenges, you see the smiling surface and attribute something greater to it because they are like shiny baubles of "coulda woulda whynotme" not the real depth of an individual life.

I've been feeling this way for a long time. Before this virus thing, I was so busy with work and kids, I had no time for anything. I was just doing what I had to do. Now, my kids father moved out after living together for almost 20 years (5 of those years we were split up) At least back then I wasn't happy about it, but I felt my purpose in life was to support my family. Now my kids dont want to be here (he bought and renovated a house and got them a puppy)
Not to mention, I am worried about my job because who knows if they are going to bring me back.

I was in the process of repairing my house when the virus hit. And all my plans are squashed.

I never thought I'd meet anyone, but sitting at home not talking or seeing anyone for 5 days got to me. I went online and eventually met someone. I had my guard up with him, but he was persistent and a couple of months later, it seemed things were pretty good. (He was talking about the future) Then he vanished into thin air. I try to think why was this person brought in my life to have it ripped away with no explanation. Not to mention it kills me to look at the things hes done around here..its a constant reminder. I have to think, I learned a lot from him. To live life to the fullest. Do what makes you happy. I really dont have anyone or anything that brings me joy. Just a lot of stress trying to repair and maintain my home, caring for his elderly dog that he left so he can get a puppy, and knowing my kids dont want to be here. If I vanished into thin air, no one would even care.

So that brings me to my question, what is my purpose? Why am I here? What direction do I take?

So, your husband and you are separated or are you divorced? Are your children teenagers or adults? Do you feel compelled to stay in their life as their mother and be a source of love and support for them? Or has your relationship with them crumbled due to the separation/divorce?

It sounds like you met a man online. Did he make repairs to your house? How long were you and he together? Did your children know about him?

Only you know what your purpose is. What direction you need to take. Purpose and direction are decided by you. What do you want your focus to be on?

Maybe you are too focused on other people. Thinking about other peoples' purpose rather than your own. Finding a new mate rather than finding yourself. Maybe go back and nurture the child inside of you. Take care of her and meet her needs.

We never married. Kids are teens. And yes, all I ever wanted was to be a good mom, a good example for them. I feel I completely failed. I try with them, but they think it is all my fault that thier dad moved out. When they are here, it's like I am still home alone.

Teenagers are a challenge in general. But with COVID and their "parental figures" separated, just adds more stress to their already hormonal lives. Teenagers thrive when they have consistency from the adults in their lives.

Have you and your husband (never married) considered doing family therapy together? To help ease everyone through this major life transition? Easier said than done, with COVID.

I think family therapists are doing tele-visits with families (via video), so your husband could join from his house and your kids could join from your house or his house via one computer together for the session.

See if your family is open to family therapy. It doesn't have to be permanent and it can be really helpful to have a therapist mediate and explain everything to your teenagers.

Teenagers tend not to want to listen to their parents, and maybe they'd listen to the family therapist. Can you and your husband be team players and be consistent and supportive of each other, despite being in separate households?

If your teenagers see that their parents support each other despite living apart, they will be more willing to respect you and your husband and give you each a chance.

So, if you and your husband are battling each other over petty differences, that will only create a wider divide between you and your teenagers and your husband. And no one will get their emotional needs met that way.

I understand why you feel like you failed. Try not to frame it that way even though it feels like you should. Try to reframe your situation as, "My relationship with x didn't work out. So, everything has shifted. Now, changes are happening. I know I need help with these changes." etc. etc.

And, you can change your home environment to make it more interactive and inviting for your teenagers but that can happen in stages. It's about reframing the associations your teenagers make when they come to your place with just you there. You need to create new associations for your teenagers that show you to be a fun, engaging, positive influence where your teenagers can feel welcome, safe, and comfortable instead of how they feel now. But it will take some creativity and flexibility on your part and consistency.

I wish I could do family therapy. The ex doesn't believe in therapy and mental illness unless its something like schizophrenia. We dont talk anyway ever unless its about dropping off/picking up the kids. How do I create new associations with the kids when they wont even stay in the same room as me? They wont even go out for an ice cream.

That's why you need to get a family therapist involved. Your ex-partner shouldn't have all the power here in the decision making about the mental health of your children while you two are separated. Can you just tell him, "We are doing family therapy for the health of this family. I'd like you to support me on this and give it a chance for the sake of our teenagers well being." I don't know how you can create new associations. That's something that a therapist can help you instill. If your ex-partner is adamant that family therapy isn't an option, then I think if you found a therapist for yourself during this family transition of separation, she/he will help you reconnect with your teenagers and create new associations for them so that they stop emotionally distancing themselves from you, if they have chosen sides already. You need to get your power back. And a therapist can help you do that.