[Wants2Fly]

I've been having some pretty good days lately. Feeling as if I was really coming out of the depression -- and honestly as if I deserved that.

Then, a couple of things flipped me back into "I don't care about anything . . . Wish I were dead" mood:

-- Interview for a job I'd really like that they are not calling about

-- Interview for a job that offers a whole lot less pay and a whole lot more work than my last job -- and having to make up answers about how, oh, yes, I really don't mind at all

-- Realizing that my unemployment stash is perilously low, and I should be very grateful to any job and that I may have to give up this apartment and get into a roomate situation. Lots of people do it, but I'm in middle age, and I thought all that was behind me. I prefer to be alone most of the time, even though it may not be the best thing during depression.

And beyond all these "reasons why" I feel crappy, feeling crappy that I feel crappy, feeling that if I were a really good person I'd be grateful for all the things I do have -- relative health, some savings, this decent sublet at least til the end of the month, my first job interviews since I started looking in January -- so why don't I feel grateful and good?

Because I'm an ungrateful brat.

[hamstergirl]

Excuse me, but I've just read your current situation. You are NOT an ungrateful brat. Anyone would feel depressed in the situation you describe. You're desperately trying to find a job. You may have to take one that sucks (and pays less) and you may have to move. That is asking for it! It's not your fault!

You have every right to feel depressed. Healthy or not, living on less money stinks. Take it from one who knows from experience, LOTS of experience.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Wants2Fly]

Thank you, Hamster girl. How're you doing?

[hamstergirl]

It depends on who you ask and when you ask.

I'm permanently screwed up and my house of cards isn't exactly going to collapse in tomorrow. Your future, no offense, is more uncertain than mine at the moment. At least my housing is stable and so is my income, yours....

Thanks for asking but my problems can wait a while. I know it sounds weird, but they've been waiting for 6 months. It will be another month before I see a urologist and who knows when they will test to see what is causing the pain. When my name comes up, then I will discuss my problems but before there is little point to it but to give you guys a daily play by play and more depressing poetry.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[shakes]

Wants 2 Fly,
There is no "way" that you are suppose to be feeling. Everyone is affected differently by things in their life. Please do not be hard on yourself. This is the depression talking to you right now.

Jessica

<font color=blue>The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain</font color=blue>
~Seether and Amy Lee

[Wants2Fly]

Thanks, all, for your kind words. My therapist -- from Florida -- called me today (in New Orleans), and she is so supportive.