Can't convince myself to get out of bed.

Ya know, the italians say, "Beato far niente" - "how blessed it is to do nothing." I saw that on a poster at Starbucks. You cant create a new you if you are running at the treadmill of the old you. Didnt St John and Jesus and everybody go into the desert alone for weeks? You have to be still to hear the message.

Yes, that's very familiar too...so yes that might be why I related to your situation. It takes time to "find yourself" again after such a close relationship where you invested so much of yourself. Both mentally and emotionally. A lot of motivation, inspiration, energy, and everything invested.

And I put that in quotes because I didn't try to imply that you lost yourself in some bad way. It's just that investment and that I think is normal, nothing wrong with it when it's mutual.

That is such a nasty trick with depression....when we have to recalibrate our expectations for our current state. It's hard to do this instead of bashing ourselves for how we are not able to do things/don't *seem to* care to do things. It took me a long time too to accept that "this is what I can do right now and that's totally okay", "this little step is a step forward and that is already cause for celebration" and things like that.




And then you found a way to decide to get up and do the 45 minutes of effort. Awesome.

And yeah to the last lines!

Yes they did. It can be an important part of discovering one's purpose. I need to not do more of what I've been doing. I actually live not all that far from a desert. Maybe I should gas up and take a ride into the wilderness and see what inspiration descends. It would be better than staring all day at the screens on my TV and mobile device.

I'm going to tackle another 45 minutes of making my immediate environment a little nicer.

I did 30 minutes of stuff. It made another dent. I'll do more tomorrow.

I went back on Indomethacin. That's helping more than I expected. It's great for paains and aches.

I'll wake up less depressed tomorrow because I proved today that I can make small efforts and that I got a mood boost just from those, small though they were.

I think I stay in front of the TV because I feel less alone here.

It's after midnight, and I still haven't made myself dinner. I'll eat soon.

I sent a message to someone I can hire to help me with organizing my home. This proved very helpful in the past.

I know after spending only 4 intense months caring for my soulmate doggie , Leo when he had lung cancer (we were together 16 years) I was totally, physically & emotionally drained. It was a loss like I had never experienced before. I still had his older sister who had doggie dementia to care for & his blind younger brother so that actually was my good excuse to stay home & do what little I had to do to care for them. Didn't get out of the house much & felt so totally lost without him in my life.

6 months later, my horse trainer let me know she was shipping my horse to me. At that point I had to get out of the house & take care of preparations to actually have my horse on my farm after 11 years. I think that broke my being stuck but the tears & the emptiness still surrounded me through the forced activity. It was also summer then & owning a farm requires a lot of outdoor work which also broke my stick spot in my grieving. Look inside my house & there are only a few rooms truly livable. The rest are disorganized. Two + years later, I am slowly putting a dent in the disorganization. I still cry tears missing my soulmate. I am enjoying having my horse & a new cat that showed up on my farm just after my horse arrived.

Life continued & even FORCED me back to functioning. But I sure KNOW I needed the time to recover from the physical exhaustion the care created & the emotional exhaustion of losing a huge piece of my heart. For me I was glad that something in my life broke me out of where I was but I also KNOW & was thankful for that healing time because I definitely needed that too.

I have been known to cook dinner for myself at 3am. The Joy's of living alone, there are no time requirements other than our own

Eskielover - I do always admire your Leo in the photo above. He looks like an Eskimo dog. And I feel for you. My border collie died of liver cancer. For 5 years I couldn't drive by a park we used to go to. I cried over her for 5 years. I know what you mean by a doggie "soulmate." Now I smile thinking of her, but getting there took time. One day I may get another dog, but I can't imagine finding another soulmate-dog. Where I live, I was known far and wide as "the lady with the black and white dog." We were always together - walking everywhere . . . because that's what you do when you have that breed of dog (unless you live on a farm.)

After she was gone, my s.o. had spinal surgery and became disabled. That kept me busy. You're right about how the necessity of caring for living beings keeps you going.

Now I'm free to procrastinate and do nothing, if I want. But last evening showed me I can feel better by getting stuff done. So I'll go change the bed sheets for a start.

I feel like I'm inching my way up from the hole I've been in. This thread has helped me get unstuck. All posts above have helped me get a little motivation. Thank you all.

I am feeling much improved. I straightened out the kitchen yesterday and went through a big pile of mail. That made me feel so darn good I couldn't believe it!

Now I'm going to vacuum the living room. What seemed like overwhelming jobs don't seem so intimidating now.

If I can maintain this frame of mind for a bit, life will not seem beyond what I can handle.

Thinking of you cooking at 3 a.m. made me feel like less of a hopeless case.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76 Thinking of you cooking at 3 a.m. made me feel like less of a hopeless case.

Lol....I call it FREEDOM. I have always had a free spirit that never liked to not have time schedules. I eat when I'm hungry, I work & when tired I take a nap. I can mow after dark cause my lawn tractor has headlights. I try to feed my horse on an every 12 hour time schedule but even that varies. Dogs get grumpy & bark if they are hungry. Birds squack for food & the wild raccoons tap on my window to remind "food lady" they are hungry. My cat just tackles my legs when his food dish is empty & my fish begs for food. Only schedule I am concerned with are to make it to the feed store before it closes.

Lol....I will go into a room & work on a specific organizing project but if I have to take something to another room I get a little work done there while I am at it. I love living alone. Only pressure is my own & that kinda vanished after living alone for a couple of years

That is cool!!

I've been feeling that way too. It can still be hard but it's somehow different than it used to be.

Keep going

Me too. I've always been in a time zone all my own. I don't mind or apologize for being different . . . as long as I'm getting stuff done, albeit in my own fashion. Lately, though, I was getting nothing done. That makes me depressed and anxious. Then I get less done. Since starting this thread, I've gotten unstuck. Sometimes, I need someone to hold up a light, when I'm immersed in the darkness I create.

Don't forget the horsies! Stay stocked up. Thanks for the encouragement.

I hope things improve for you. Yes, it is so cool to get unstuck. It can be like having a foot caught in a trap that can't be opened up. Now my foot is out. Thanks for helping me get back that bit of hope we need to move ahead.

My biggest concern now is that I'll relapse in a few days. Maybe I won't.

Glad that I could help I really like that about this forum, how we can support each other like that. It actually can make a difference. Yeah, I've experienced relapses before, but remembering how I was able to get to a better place before the relapse would usually help get through it. It does give hope I think. You could keep that in mind too.

Also I think the body and the mind both remember the habit building too, so it can be easier to go on from where we already started building up even after a temporary step back.

Instead of "relapse" I call it earned rest after I have worked hard & gotten some things accomplished. Of course those earned rests are usually spent catching up on paperwork inside the house & I do take breaks & putter around rooms doing little things here & there. Sometimes the rest is letting the ibuprofen do its work after a long hard day outside & I need to recuperate.

I missed this thread. It sounds like you are doing better Rose. Having just few tasks accomplished every day might be the best idea. Not too much but you’ll feel that something is getting done!

I am back doing better. Today I went out to lunch with a friend. I even put on some makeup, which I haven't done in months. Tomorrow I have someone coming by who I have hired to help me with organization. I have used this person before. His service is a bit expensive, but was really worth it in the past. I have paperwork in little piles all over the house. Still I can never find important papers. This professional organizer will help me set up a system with files, etc. When I reduce the chaos around me, I get a huge boost in mood.

The words of encouragement you've all given me in this thread really broke the log jam and got me moving. Thank you all.

That is such good news.

Yesterday I got together with the women in our horse group for a pot luck for the first time in a long time & it felt so good just to relax & chat & catch up with everyone.

I have had a project (a legal complaint) to write & put together all the supporting evidence. I get stuck when I have something important to get done & I have problems working on other things until it is finished. Things like that are log jams for me. Should be ready to be mailed today cause other stuff is piling up

Today I had quite an experience. A mentally ill, drunk, homeless woman strode onto the property where I live. It's a small complex of rental units. I was outside, watering a plant on the patio in front of my front door. She just walked onto my patio and through my front door and into my bathroom. From outside, I called 911. The police came right away - about 6 of them. Some of them went in and removed her. She came out screaming at the police. They took her to jail. An officer told me I would receive a subpoena to appear at court.

Other than that, it had been a really good day. I had felt so well. I've gotten so much done around the house. I can't let this throw me or unnerve me. It was such a beautiful May day.

Now I'm thinking of getting a dog. Since my boyfriend died, I've been thinking about getting a dog, something small and cute - like a Pomeranian. Now I'm thinking more along the lines of an Airedale. Something at least 45 lbs. Something that might provide me with a measure of protection. But compact enough to be manageable in an apt. I guess I am a little shook up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76 Today I had quite an experience. A mentally ill, drunk, homeless woman strode onto the property where I live. It's a small complex of rental units. I was outside, watering a plant on the patio in front of my front door. She just walked onto my patio and through my front door and into my bathroom. From outside, I called 911. The police came right away - about 6 of them. Some of them went in and removed her. She came out screaming at the police. They took her to jail. An officer told me I would receive a subpoena to appear at court. Other than that, it had been a really good day. I had felt so well. I've gotten so much done around the house. I can't let this throw me or unnerve me. It was such a beautiful May day. Now I'm thinking of getting a dog. Since my boyfriend died, I've been thinking about getting a dog, something small and cute - like a Pomeranian. Now I'm thinking more along the lines of an Airedale. Something at least 45 lbs. Something that might provide me with a measure of protection. But compact enough to be manageable in an apt. I guess I am a little shook up.

Strange people show up in strange places. Glad the police came. Now she has food & shelter for awhile. Maybe get meds to stabilize her temporarily. Calif had a psych area in one of its jails (found that out when a crazy person followed me in my car & had to call the sheriff)

Lol.....dogs are great. I actually have had 20 lb barkers who kept everyone away. It has a good size bark & no one knew the size if they just showed up at the door. They would bite if necessary too. I like that size because little ones have a little bark & bigger ones take a lot more to handle strength wise. They were great protection until they got older & blind but they still bark good. Now I also have been trained for CC & have a gun handy if necessary. But country life is a lot different than living in the city

Is 76 the year you were born? I wish I could just lie in bed all day. I can’t even do that on my days off, I feel too compelled to move…

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I hope you can feel better and more able to relax. There is a healthy balance of being constructively active and having some needed repose on a regular basis.

I'm doing better lately. Too much lying around was actually making me sore physically. We have to find that "happy medium."