[cookiepie234]

So, I loved school and I loved my teenage life (I was depressed was I was 14-15 but aside from that I was happy). I was a straight A student without having to try too hard but I also genuinely enjoyed learning and studying, sometimes even enjoyed exams. I wasn't one of the popular kids but had my close-knit group of best friends and got on well with other students, liked by all the teachers. I woke up on Monday mornings excited for a week of school. Then coming home from school everyday and watching tv, youtube, staying up talking to my friends, hanging out with friends. Everything was fun and exciting, the smallest things like watching stupid funny youtube videos of my favorite bands made me happy because I was happy and so innocently invested into my interests. The last time I was genuinely content was when I was 19.

Fast forward to now. I'm 22, graduated college last summer and still can't find a job (don't even get called for an interview), I've suffered two traumatic deaths close to me, my brother has issues that's make it unsafe for us to be around him but we have to visit him soon and i'm terrified, my parents are even more emotionally abusive and toxic than ever, so is my sister, she's an abusive bully who just causes arguments at home. I just really don't want to be alive. I constantly have panic attacks, I feel depressed and suicidal so i've lost all motivation when it comes to my interests and hobbies and even picking up skills that could help me land a job. I long so so badly to be a teenager again when I was happy. I'ts almost aggressive how much I physically want to go back even though it's obviously completely impossible. The nostalgia hurts my heart so much and I cry. I still listen to many of the bands and songs I did as a teenager. Whereas back then they brought me such happy, pure, innocent, joy, now they wreck my heart with painful nostalgia and longing, not to the mention the fact that I can relate to many of them now that sing about sadness, depression, death, etc. I hate getting older anyway and even though I'm just 22 i don't why i feel ancient. Maybe because I havent achieved anything. I wanna die so badly. I just want to be 16 again.

[Discombobulated]

I just want to say I think given your situation how you feel (wanting to be back in a different time when you felt better) is completely normal, I think others feel it too, I know I have.

I wish I could say something more helpful. Do you have support of any kind now? Therapist? Doctor? It sounds like you're coping with a rough set of circumstances.

I think it's okay to be a little sad (as long as it's not overwhelming you) and look back, maybe at some treasured memories and momentos, maybe one day you'll feel less emotional as you move through this, but for now you're sad and that's okay.

Hugs.

[cookiepie234]

Thank your for your kind words I suppose it is normal to want to be back in a better time, it's comfort, but I'm definitely in too deep living in the past. At the moment I don't have a therapist, but I'll look into seeing my doctor I think

I want to be a dolphin, gliding through the water splashing about cqarefree. their is not a day I don't think about that, what would it be like in another body and another life

but I know not even plastic surgery can make me in to a dolphin, so my second wish is to be a kid again. I don't just mean do kid stuff, I actually mean be a kid, being able to sit on a swing comfortably, or to cry for cuddles, or to crawl around the bedroom floor searching for my toys. I think what I really want is to be a baby/toddler. I had such a bad childhood (abusive mother), and it's certainly a lot more apealing than a woman with creaky bones and enough mental health issues to write a book.

my mental health journey also started as a kid

Possible trigger:

I attempted sui as a little girl

so going back before that time and staying their would be good

[cookiepie234]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I want to be a dolphin, gliding through the water splashing about cqarefree. their is not a day I don't think about that, what would it be like in another body and another life

but I know not even plastic surgery can make me in to a dolphin, so my second wish is to be a kid again. I don't just mean do kid stuff, I actually mean be a kid, being able to sit on a swing comfortably, or to cry for cuddles, or to crawl around the bedroom floor searching for my toys. I think what I really want is to be a baby/toddler. I had such a bad childhood (abusive mother), and it's certainly a lot more apealing than a woman with creaky bones and enough mental health issues to write a book.

my mental health journey also started as a kid

Possible trigger:

I attempted sui as a little girl

so going back before that time and staying their would be good

i'm so sorry you've had to endure all of that from such a young age. i truly wish you the best and hope one day you're able to find genuine happiness and contentment with whatever age and place you're at in life. sending you love

[annoyedgrunt84]

I very much relate to living in the past. I am constantly and uselessly twirling over and over again in my head, that if I could just go back to then and there and start again knowing what I now know I could make it all OK again. Then here I am back in the present with the same problems and no solutions to them.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for your Losses! Please Do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters in realting to what you wrote. i also feel nostalgic for my teen years although i wasn't the happier person even then. But i think it was still better than where i am now. Honestly even just coming back to a couple of years ago would be Better. i am So Sorry you have to put up with this. i think seeing a therapist may Help like the other wise and wonderful posters have already suggested. i think people may want to come back to the past when they don't feel comfortable in the present. Definitely give it a try. i Apologize if this post wasn't particularly Helpful. Please do Stay safe. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @cookiepie234, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[modestlychee6463]

I used to be like that too. Now I find it no use. I think anybody would be crazy to want to be a teenager again. There's too much pain and sorrow in the world to even want that.