Epiphany but reverse

I’ve always been proud of some of the things I’ve battled and overcome in my past. Drug addiction, eating disorder, self harm etc. I was proud to share my stories to who ever listened and they helped me through college where that personal experience mattered. I graduated with honours and had a 4.0 GPA.
Was proud.
A few days ago I was standing in my kitchen, and a memory came rushing in, and instead of feeling that sense of accomplishment, I felt shame and embarrassment.
Then I thought of everything I’ve been through that I thought I was proud of and again I was greeted with these negative feelings.
Ive never felt like this before. It took my by surprise. I broke down and sobbed. I’m still crying.
The feeling I have is so strong, And the shift was so sudden it’s almost scary. Like an epiphany but reverse. I can’t seem to talk myself out of this. I truly feel deep shame and embarrassment. And it’s why things are messed up today. Because of my past. I used to think I was a strong person who’s been through a lot so it’s okay that my life isn’t the same as everyone else’s and now it’s like my life is like this because I’ve made bad choices and I can’t take it back and change things. Im going to bring this up to my T this week. Maybe they can help me work through this.

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their is a lot of things I wish I could take back and change- mainly my school failure. telling people you have 0 qualifications or 0 certificates, well it's embarrassing and will always haunt me. the earliest, and quite possibly the most important thing in life, and I failed.

I hope you get some good answers!

I can’t help but just feel ashamed and embarrassed. I’m not sure what changed. One day I was proud, the next I’m hating myself.
I don’t take pride in my past struggles anymore. I’m not proud to be resilient. To survive trauma.
All I can think about is “wow you made some pretty bad choices. Choices that have put me where I am today” “no wonder your life is crap”

Like at what point do you take responsibility for your past actions and admit that those choices and actions lead to my life right now. When I think now if sharing my last struggles with others I feel super embarrassed. People will judge me in a negative way instead of thinking I’m strong. Because I’m older now and I can’t use my last as an excuse for my present life.

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