This day is only halfway over now. So far not bad but not real great either, if you know what I mean. My friend called me this morning to apologize about last night, so that lifted my spirits.

Spent the morning cleaning my place. That's about it. So far it's been very quiet at my place. I hope it stays that way. No hoo-haas or lots of banging going on, which is nice for a day like this for me.

[T4bbyCat]

Best holiday wishes to all! Hard to believe it's once again almost over.

Is that sniffle just allergies, a cold, or COVID? Should I get tested? That's what passes through my mind... just a reminder that we might not be going back to normal on this!

[Deilla]

Today has been horrible. I'm all alone. I'm sad. I missed my Christmas event. My mom ignored me. I cried several times today. It's time to go to bed and end this day.

[Buffy01]

I been feeling really depressed lately especially over the holidays

Felt like I was in a funk this morning. It was more like an anxiety funk than a depression one. I'm feeling like I have some anxiety about the new year coming up.

This afternoon I took a three hour bike ride. It was a nice, brisk day to go out. Nothing much else to report about. It seems like the communications from others to me have been silent.

[Deilla]

I'm fighting with my mother. She called me self-centered. In all my years, I have never called her any names. I don't understand why she has to be so hateful. I am really traumatized. I can't sleep and I've been drinking.

Not much of a day today. For some reason, there seems to be a very empty feeling. I don't know what it is. Today isn't much different than the other days I've had since retiring. I remembered, back when I was working, that I had always liked that period between Christmas & New Years Eve. I guess it was because the work pace was better - slower with less people around. But then it was really bad on the first Monday following New Years Day.

I just spoke to my friend and he said that he read an article about some companies wanting to hire older workers. That sounds kind of nice to me. So he's hinting that I should try to get back to work. I don't feel like it now, especially after what I have been through recently and over the years.

My sister called this morning but it was very brief. We only spoke for two minutes and that was it. She says that she's very busy. She always says that.

[Rose76]

I'm doing really good . . . for many weeks now. This is the longest interval I've gone without a depressive tailspin in a very long time - like years. I can't really account for it?

Well. I must not look a gift horse in the mouth. This isolation is taking a toll though. I find that I'm talking to myself a lot. It's a little weird. Then, again, I'm not hurting anyone. No law against it.

[T4bbyCat]

Coasting in limbo between Christmas and New Year. This should be a holiday on its own, especially since pretty much everyone at work makes it into one. We just need a name for it.

Best post-Christmas, pre-New Year wishes to all!

[hvert]

I agree, this should be a holiday! I'm bad at naming things, though. Days of Laze? It's such a nice time to do nothing.

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by Deilla

I'm fighting with my mother. She called me self-centered. In all my years, I have never called her any names. I don't understand why she has to be so hateful. I am really traumatized. I can't sleep and I've been drinking.

Dear Deilla, The way your mother is, I believe, is coming from psychological injuries of her own, possibly from her own childhood. You have so many talents, your art, your writing, music, etc., I suspect she is a bit jealous of you & feels like a 'left out' child, like you're outdoing her. I was thinking, if you want to keep her in your life, maybe pretend you're her mother & regard her as if she were your child? Maybe try that as an experiment & see what kinds of results you end up with? Anyway, you are a very special person to many of us, & it's too sad to know your mother is treating you so unlovingly! You are loved here by your friends in your MSF family.

[Deilla]

Thanks, @Breaking Dawn. I have thought that she might be jealous. I do want a relationship with her. I have to be really careful and expect nothing. I apologized to her yesterday for my part. We're talking again. I will try to be a better person. I'm the only one I can change.

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by Deilla

Thanks, @Breaking Dawn. I have thought that she might be jealous. I do want a relationship with her. I have to be really careful and expect nothing. I apologized to her yesterday for my part. We're talking again. I will try to be a better person. I'm the only one I can change.

God bless you, dear Deilla. You are so wonderful! I love you.

[Rose76]

I've kept myself in home lockdown for days. This really is overkill. I guess I'm scared of COVID. But I had all 3 shots. I scarcely leave my recliner. This is getting ridiculous. I have to make myself move and, at least, go for a drive and look at xmas lights on people's houses, which I love.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I've kept myself in home lockdown for days. This really is overkill. I guess I'm scared of COVID. But I had all 3 shots. I scarcely leave my recliner. This is getting ridiculous. I have to make myself move and, at least, go for a drive and look at xmas lights on people's houses, which I love.

I do the same thing. I live in an apartment, so I worry about shared air the moment I open my front door.

But I do put on my double mask and double gloves whenever I leave my apartment, even if I'm just going for a walk around the block or to dump trash or to get door deliveries within seconds. I also shower when I'm done, in addition to the hand-washing and eyeglass washing. Sometimes I even wear goggles, but that's only when I'm handling things like trash or things I have to lift in storage or from the package room (to protect my eyes from retinal tears, corneal tears, etc., more so than from the pandemic/virus).

I don't have a car. I've asked safe friends to give me a ride. They are all boosted like me (I've had 3 Moderna shots - all full shots, since I may be immunocompromised). I'm still isolating in place - for nearly 2 years. I never go into any stores, and I only go out for essentials - trash, mail, door deliveries, package pickups in the package room downstairs, storage cleaning, etc. I do most of my mail and package and trash stuff late at night or early in the morning, before most of my neighbors are out and about. I try to avoid the rush hour times.

If I had a car, I would park it outside - not in the shared air space in parking lots. And if I had a safe car that I parked outside, I would definitely go for drives to see Christmas lights and the like on special holidays, or to just see scenery and get some fresh air in a park. But I don't have that yet. I'm actually terrified of driving right now. I also haven't went to renew my driver's license. I let it expire, but I have up to about August 2022 to just take the written test and the eye exam so that I can get my new driver's license. I'm not sure I want to though.

I've been scared of getting the virus, but my T is helping me face my fears slowly.

I hope you have a T to help you. Tiny steps work best with stuff like this.

[SprinkL3]

I was highly triggered by many things these past few days, beginning with Christmas. I wasn't expecting that to happen to me. I've been anxious, angry, depressed, and just mixed with emotions. I changed some of my settings on here, and then I had to change them back. I think I made some mistakes with the settings, too.

Anyway, I think I fixed it all.

I've been dissociating a lot, but I'm managing better.

I saw my T on Monday this week, and we both wished one another a Happy New Year.

I will see my T again next year/week at our regular schedule (twice per week). I was grateful and lucky that she even scheduled once per week this week with me. She normally takes time off around these times and in the summertime. But this pandemic has us all more homebound than we'd like. Anyways, the schedule changes around the holidays are really tough for me. I think I don't deal well with change, even though my own routine in life hasn't been consistent. My sleep schedule is way off all the time, and I am only consistent for about a few weeks before my circadian rhythms get off again and then it takes me about a month to get back on track. This is more than insomnia and my mild sleep apnea issues - both diagnosed at the VA back in 2017. I can't do the CPAP machines at all, and they recalled them anyway. This is like a circadian rhythm problem that hasn't yet been diagnosed. That would require more than one day at the sleep study center at the VA, which I don't trust during a pandemic.

I need to go back and subscribe to all the threads I used to be subscribed to, since I accidentally deleted all of my subscriptions to clear them out, and so now I'm screwed because I don't know who responded to me unless they tag me. LOL. I'm a hot mess.

[Breaking Dawn]

It's been mostly downs recently, but an occasional up helps. Distraction is my best helper these days.

Not much of a day today. My sister called after two days of trying reach her. Our talk went OK. I notice that she repeats herself a lot and uses a lot of extra words about one little thing. It was not a good day to go outside as it rained and pretty cold. It feels dark and dank these days.

I'm feeling anxious and depressed, like being lost out in the open fields area when I want to be home.

[regretful]

3 weeks (or thereabouts) into a low dose of lexapro (generic)...feel rather medicated. Depression still my unwelcome companion. I wish all of you well in your struggle against this invisible monster.

I really wish the radio would stop playing ed sheran

reminds me of my last IP stay..

[SprinkL3]

I'm depressed about my fatigue today, but I'm also mixed with happiness about starting a new year - a brand new year that will hopefully be better than the last 2 years.

I'm also wondering, if people who were born in the 1920s were used to writing '20 or 20 as their birth year anywhere, I wonder if that will now confuse people, especially if they keep up with that habit. I would hope that those 100 years and older would still have enough energy, memory, and mobility to have fun, stay safe, and be cognizant about filling out forms. LOL, but seriously. I think it is super neat that they made it to 100 and counting! I don't know why I'm thinking this today, but I seriously was thinking that I want to live until I'm 100. I'm know that's a really big ask, considering my lifespan has been shortened because of all my risk factors. But still, it's a dream. I've lost all my other dreams, I'm just hoping for this one - and to still be aware and mobile all the while.

I admire those who make it into old age.

[Sunflower123]

I am deeply depressed today and feel hopeless.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I am deeply depressed today and feel hopeless.

[Mountaindewed]

I didn't sob but I did leave the room once the covid news came on because my eyes watered a bit when world news was first on and were talking about Betty White. I didnt think her death would affect me but I am also very tired and I am nauseated again.

Theres just a bunch of stuff at one time and unless I develop a fever I wont go to the doctor until next week no matter what anyone says or thinks or assumes or tells me to do. I can deal with it myself.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I didn't sob but I did leave the room once the covid news came on because my eyes watered a bit when world news was first on and were talking about Betty White. I didnt think her death would affect me but I am also very tired and I am nauseated again.

Theres just a bunch of stuff at one time and unless I develop a fever I wont go to the doctor until next week no matter what anyone says or thinks or assumes or tells me to do. I can deal with it myself.

You can also self-care at home. ((((safe hugs)))) I hope you feel better Mountaindewed. (PS: Technically, if you called the local ER, they might just tell you to stay home unless you start having shortness of breath and other life-threatening conditions. You can get some advice via phone or video from them in the meantime, if your insurance covers that. Sometimes advice comes free and saves you the hospital bill anyway. Many people have recovered safely at home - without ever having to go to the ER.)

I'm sad about Betty White, too.

I'm mad about this pandemic though, LOL.

I went out with a double mask and all my PPE to give donations away, dump trash, get mail and packages, and then shower afterward. I feel great about doing my chores before the major downtown crowds and my neighbors all coming to my floor to watch the fireworks from the deck, which is across from my only apartment windows. I will be inside with all my windows and doors shut safely, but I will have my blinds open so I can watch fireworks from the safety and comfort of my own downtown apartment. I think I'm lucky in that regard, but not so lucky with all the virus in the hallways outside of my apartment. I'm not leaving my apartment for another 3 days, LOL.