It's back

I have been congratulating myself for making it through November and December this winter without getting too depressed or having any significant suicidal thoughts. Usually that comes around at least once a year for me or sometimes more. I was doing pretty good, but have been slipping the last couple of weeks.

Not quite to the point it was five years ago, but all the similarities are freaking me out. I've told my history here before, and it's in the "Personal Stories". There are so many things that are the same though. Back then, there was extreme cold and fog that settled in and stayed for 6 weeks without breaking. Right now there is so much snow, and it has been so cold, and they are saying we won't see the sun for another week at least.

Back then I was dreading going to court for not knowing that I had hit another car trying to get out of a Wal-Mart parking lot when other cars would not give me enough room and had parked only a couple of inches from me and wouldn't move to let me out, and my anxiety was off the charts from the crowded store 2 days before Christmas. I couldn't deal with everyone blaming me and accusing me of such a terrible thing - hit and run (though nobody was hurt and I really did not know that I had hit anything - all I felt was my anxiety and the need to get away from all the people), and that they wouldn't try to understand my side of it and what I was feeling, or even let me tell my story.

This week (Monday night) there were 200 crashes because weather and driving conditions were impossible. I was one of them. My little plastic Saturn ran into the back of a Hummer when cars in front of me were slowed or stopped, and my brakes failed. I did my best not to lock the brakes and spin, and was able to steer to the right some, but not enough. There was almost no damage to the hummer, but the damage to my car would cost more to repair than the car is worth. I only had liability insurance. As I was sitting there waiting for help I was thinking it should turn out okay, as surely with this weather they couldn't blame people, and there must be some provision to help people who are victims of the weather and impossible roads (6 inches of slush on top of ice on a downhill slope). I wasn't going fast, and I tried to stop over like 50 feet, but my car picked up speed anyway. But the officer insisted he had to give a ticket, so I lose my car and get blamed and penalized additionally.

The other common factor is tooth pain. Five years ago a couple of my teeth suddenly crumbled and fell apart, and I had such miserable past experiences with dentists, that I avoided going, and was in a lot of pain. Recently I've been grinding and gritting and clenching my teeth a lot, due to stress and anxiety I suppose, and can't seem to stop. At least one tooth broke and is starting to hurt, and I'm getting headaches a lot too.

So the combination of cold, dark, pain, and blame, combined with worrying about money and other issues is a particularly bad one for me, especially in January/February. I manage for a while, and then just can't anymore. Yesterday I got through the first half of the day at work, then cried and was unproductive from the afternoon on, after talking to the towing people who have my car and finding out more about the damage and my options.

I couldn't deal with going to work today, and I'm afraid I'll run out of available leave way too fast at this rate. I never had paid leave available before, and it's hard to ask for it, and I don't want to use it up or appear to be abusing it.

I had been thinking about looking for a new car before this happened, but wanted to pay off debt and refinance the house first. I wasn't ready. But I guess I need to go car shopping.

I do feel a lot better supported than 5 years ago. I have PC, and therapy, and some friends. I'm not nearly as isolated as I was then. And DH understands better than he did then, isn't taking my feelings personally so much or blaming me for them. I have a direction in life that I didn't have then, and hope for the future and the possibility of a career. Back then I couldn't see any options, and it felt like nothing would ever change and nobody cared.

I started this post last night, and wasn't able to finish it then. Meanwhile, T wrote me back and said</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
This isn't 5 years ago. This is now, and you can do better than you could in the past. Build on your strengths and remember that helplessness is a (not fun or healthy) coping strategy that you are now trying to retire.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Maybe I'll make it through this time better than I have before.

Rap

((( Rap )))

Reading your post just made me want to cry. I can feel in it all the emotion you are trying so hard to deal with and put into place.

The fact that you can "see" the differences from 5 years ago and that you do have more support and a goal in life is wonderful. Hold onto those thoughts and run with them ok? You have grown a lot in 5 years. You have learned more coping skills. This is all good isn't it?

As far as the teeth grinding goes, would you be able to handle using a mouth/teeth guard so you aren't clenching down on them? Some people can handle having that in their mouths..some can't. Maybe it's worth a try for you so you don't make more damage.

I'm almost willing to bet that you could fight that ticket and win. Considering all the accidents that day, there is no reason why you should be blamed when others are not. Bad weather happens...it's not as if you were not taking good care while driving. It might be worth talking to an attorney, just to get some ideas...not necessarily to hire him/her. Most times having a first meeting is free.

Hope you feel better soon hon. Take good care of YOU!


sabby

((((Repunzel))))

That is a lot for any person to handle! I know i do not know a lot about you but i remember you as you were one of the first people on here that really helped me back when i first came on this site a few years back. Personally i have always admired your strength and resilience and i have never forgotten you although i have been away for a while. Every post you write is always filled with such knowledge and understanding that i want to reply 'i agree, i agree' too...but i don't because i am shy.
I know from some of your posts lately that you have been going through a lot trying your hardest to get stronger every year but for me that strength is already there, i just think you are finding it now.
The battle you wage day in day out is truly admirable, even if sometimes it feels too much. I just pray that you know that it takes someone strong to fight as hard as you do and you are certainly not being 'helpless'!
If i can do anything to help i will gladly do so!

ps -The weather over there sounds utterly horrific - i think i should stop complaining about the rain over here!

(((((( Abby )))))))

It was so nice of you to respond. I remember when you joined PC, and I think about you and wonder how you are doing now. I don't read this forum much anymore because it is so busy and can be overwhelming, so I hope that the people who mostly post in Depression are finding enough support and getting better. If I had more time I would read here more so that I would know how you are doing. You are more than welcome to PM me any time if you like. I'm glad that you are still here. Thanks for your comments. What you said means a lot to me.

Rap

(((( Sabby ))))

It is so nice to have your support. Yes, I have more resources than I did five years ago, and one is having friends here. I have learned a little about coping too. Depression can still get to me, but I can get out of it faster. It used to hang on for years at a time, and now usually it's just a few days here and there, and I usually manage to push through it and get up and try again.

I don't know if I could handle something in my mouth. I have a really bad gag reflex, and need to breath through my mouth. Sometimes chewing gum helps.

Going to court is a huge trigger for me and I don't know if I can handle it. I'll talk to T about it. She suggested challenging the ticket too. And my insurance company seemed to think it was worth a try.

I went car shopping today. I wasn't suitable to go to work, and told them I had to deal with car stuff today. I hope they understand. I drive so much, I need a car that gets good mileage, like 40+ mpg is my standard. The Saturn was about there, but it's made of plastic, and hasn't felt safe in the bad weather. I was thinking about a hybrid like the Prius, but can't find any that I can afford. I ended up putting a down payment on a Hyundai Elantra wagon. It's a sturdier car and feels much better than my Saturn did (I can actually see out without sitting on a pillow!), and might even get better mileage than the Saturn. It needed some work though, and the dealer is going to try to get that done tomorrow. I might get it tomorrow night or Friday morning.

LOL--we have to be related--I have a bad gag reflex too. I can handle myself putting things in there, like gum, toothpaste, etc. But if anyone else does it, ewwwwwwwww...

I even have to have sedation dentistry.

Glad you got the car. Hope it serves you well and long

Hope you saw my PM!

Love ya very much!

Clyde

Yup, got your PM. Thanks! I wish I actually had the car, but I will soon enough. Tomorrow is internship day, and I don't want to miss seeing my clients. I need to be dependable for them, and January is not my month for that. I hope I'll be stable enough to do therapy tomorrow. Usually I'm better when I'm concentrating on someone else.

Luv ya,
Rap

(((((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))))


love,
Fuzzy

(((((((((((( Fuzzy ))))))))))))))

Thanks for the hearts and hugs. I need that.

((((Rapunzel))))

I feel for you, this too shall pass eventually, hope it passes soon.

Thanks (((( CedarS ))))

Sometimes I feel okay for a while, but if I try to do too much, or the radio or anybody mentions snow, I'm instantly close to falling apart again. Winter will go away sometime, won't it?

(((((Rapunzel))))) Winter is almost over! Hang in there, think of sunny beaches, mosquitos, flies, humidity over 80%.

Spring will return. I'm eager for spring, for some warmth, for being able to get around easier.