[EvenMoreLost]

I don't know where to write this. There are so many issues I'm dealing with, and I feel like I need some kind of support group or something, but I don't know where to go. The issues are complex and I don't think there's a support group for my specific situation. So I'm writing this here, though I don't know what I hope to get from it. I have a good circle of friends who have supported me through it, my parents have been very supportive, and my therapist has been wonderful. Still, I need more.

I'm a 30 year old gay man with a history of untreated depression who just ended a 7 year relationship. I attempted suicide about 3 years ago by taking sleeping pills, but got scared after a few handfuls and made a call to my partner. A fight and the strong possibility of him leaving me led me to take the pills - I have recently realized I have codependency issues, finally. They took me to a hospital, not to the psych ward, and I was released a few days later with a list of possible therapists to call, which I knew and said I wouldn't. I wanted help, but I needed someone else to get the help for me. Nobody did.

My boyfriend and I continued having problems and a few months ago we both agreed to seek individual therapy, with the goal of also having some joint sessions. He also has a long history of depression - it's part of what we bonded over in the beginning stages of our relationship. I love being in therapy and I do feel that it is really helping me.

The week before this past Thanksgiving him and I had a big fight. We were supposed to spend the week visiting my family, but he ended up not coming with me. It looked like we were breaking up, and he wanted to spend the week sorting out his feelings. Fair enough. But he was incredibly depressed the night before and talking about suicide, and he seemed darker than I've ever seen him. So on my way to the airport I called his parents to tell them I was worried he'd try to kill himself and to look in on him.

We didn't speak while I was away. I spoke with his family a couple of times in the beginning of the week and they said he was ok. Friends also spoke or emailed with him in the beginning of the week.

I returned Friday evening and when I got home his brother, father and our friend were there. They told me he took pills, but that he was alive. I asked to go to the hospital to see him but they wouldn't let me. I was so hurt and concerned and confused. I wanted to see him and hold him and comfort him, and they wouldn't let me!

Then his father sat me down and held my hand, told me he loved me and that I was part of the family and that nobody would blame me for whatever I decide to do. I was so confused. He then told me that the reason my boyfriend attempted suicide was because he had an HIV test and it came back positive. He cheated on me over the summer, was unsafe, and then had unsafe sex with me. We were in a committed, monogamous relationship - we haven't used condoms in a long time.

It's been 2 1/2 weeks and I still can't process all the emotions. It's just too many things at once. At first it was concern and compassion for him - he was in the hospital after an attempted suicide because he tested HIV positive. Then it suddenly hit me that he put me at risk and that I was probably infected, and I was overcome with fear and panic. Then it turned to anger - how could he do this to me? How could he gamble with my health like that? We had a commitment!

He was released from the psych hospital after the holiday weekend. He wouldn't call me while he was in there - he was too afraid of my reaction. And apparently he was getting advice not to talk to me until he was released. People were worried he'd have a breakdown after speaking to me and that would affect his discharge evaluation. Stupid people - that's the best place for him to breakdown! He can have help there! Stupid, selfish people!

I'm still all over the place. I don't know what to do with myself. I was planning on spending my life with him. Now he's living with his parents, and I'm stuck in this apartment that we've shared, surrounded by reminders of our life together. All his stuff is still there, except for some clothes. I can't afford the place alone, even if I wanted to stay, so I have to move out. The damn holidays are coming and I wish the whole world would just cancel them, as I am. I can't really find a place until after the new year, and anything I can afford will be in a bad neighborhood and crappy, so my parents are going to help me financially, which feels horrible and pathetic for an adult.

My therapist warned me that my moods would be all over the place and that they'll settle down to a more reasonable level. It's only slightly comforting though. It doesn't help much to know that next month/year/decade I'll be a bit more level. I need it now because I'm losing my mind.

FYI - I had an HIV test that week and I tested negative. It was about 4 months since my first exposure, and 1 month since my last, so I'm not out of the woods yet. However, all my blood levels looked really good and showed no signs of anything early going on. I'll be retested at the end of January, and again a few months after that. It looks good for now, but I know it's not necessarily over.

Anyway, if you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I could go on all day. I've been talking about it non-stop since it happened. I've had a friend staying with me for most of the last 2 weeks, and other friends have been over almost every night. It's great, and I'm incredibly lucky to have this support, but once I'm left alone I feel so lonely and scared and those familiar suicidal thoughts come back. I really don't know what to do with myself.

Thanks.

[nowheretorun]

i could understand your writing from beginning to end.. sometimes a task for me...

it is a break-up... sad reminders everywhere... breaking up is really painful...

you have us when alone until the mood stabilizes, there are in my community mental health goups availabe to the public on a drop in basis, i think its a weeky meeting... anything like that?

you're under a lot of stress and extra support is understandable...

[starfishblue]

Know that you aren't alone. I am sorry for what you are going through - it takes a lot of courage and support to get through it. Please take care of yourself and keep the friends around you at this time.
Peace to you,

[wickedwings]

((((terry)))) you are very courageous to open up the way you did. you are more than welcome here at psych central. it is definitely a support group. the only difference is that it's online. come here anytime. take care.

[Doh2007]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through all this. I'm so glad you came here and posted. This is a warm and caring place. The best thing we do here is to listen and care.

I hope your partner is able to get the right combination of drugs to stay as healthy as possible. Maybe all the confusion and shock will subside and you'll be able to be close again.

It's a relief that you haven't tested positive. I can understand your feelings of betrayal. You have so much to deal with. Thank you for sharing your heart.

[EvenMoreLost]

Thanks for the support everyone. It helps to get it out, but it's still not enough. I've never had a relationship anywhere near this long before, and I know that a large part of what I'm feeling is the loss of that, but there are so many other issues here that it gets very jumbled in my mind. And knowing that the mood swings are part of the process is only a slight relief.

I don't know if there are any community mental health groups in my area. I'll try to look into that, and I'll speak with my therapist about it when I see her tomorrow.

Doh2007 - I don't know about the friends thing. I really want that, but I don't know if it's possible. I explained to him when I saw him after his release from the hospital that I really didn't want to hold on to this hurt and anger for the rest of my life. I wanted to forgive him for this, but I told him that in order to forgive I need to know all that happened and why it happened. As hurt and betrayed as I feel, I can understand the urge to have an affair (if the supposed 2 times they were together counts as an affair). I've never done it, but I understand it. What I can't understand is being unsafe with a stranger, and then being unsafe with me. He has no answer for why he did that, and he claims that he's really "&%$@# up" and is trying to figure out the "whys" in therapy. I told him to tell me when he figures it out so I can begin to try to forgive him and move on from this.

I even sent him a very warm letter last week explaining that we've been best friends for 7 years, and I want to continue being best friends. I know it won't be overnight - it will be a long process of forgiveness - but that I don't want to lose my best friend. He was very happy to hear that from me and wants the same thing.

In retrospect, I regret sending that letter. He really doesn't deserve my love and compassion after what he did, and he's been really disconnected and cold since his release. The love and compassion are a one-way street.

Additionally, since I don't have any explanation for why this happened, and because of several other factors that may seem minor at first glance, I've come to my own conclusions for why this happened - I've filled in the blanks myself. This thought had occurred to me initially, but I was very willing to reject it because it's too horrible to consider, but now it's all I can think - *that he intentionally sought out getting infected.* People do it, and he's had a long history of depression and it could have been some twisted version of a suicide attempt. I don't know.

But there are too many factors that seem to support this in my mind:
- the fact that he was unsafe with a stranger whose last name he doesn't even know!!!
- the time frame when he got tested - about 3-4 months later, at the time when he'd get a definitive rest result.
- the fact that neither me nor our friends who have spoken to him believes that he's told the whole story. It seems very obvious the he's not saying something, and if after all of this horror he is still holding something back, it must be huge. What else could possibly make this situation worse?
- the fact that he's got this very zen-like attitude with his diagnosis. Sure, the argument could be made that he attempted suicide as a result of the diagnosis, but that could be countered - the attempt could have been more because he knew that what he did to me would now be revealed and he couldn't face that. Also, I am questioning if it was a real attempt or a cry for help. When I attempted, I took about 40 sleeping pills at one time. They took me to the hospital, didn't pump my stomach, didn't give me charcoal, and just let the drugs run their course. He knew this - he was there. He took about 50-60 pills over a 24 hour period. It's impossible to state his intent, but he knew what did and did not happen to me, and he didn't take that many more pills than I did.
- The fact that he refuses to answer why he was unsafe. The most he can say is "it got really heated." Everyone I know has probably been in a situation that got heated, and none of them were so careless - twice!! He went back and did it again!
- A friend and I individually told him that he should contact this person he was with. It's possible he doesn't know he's positive. My ex claims he tried via email (his only way of contacting this guy) and that the email address has been canceled. To me that seems quite suspect, and I was initially willing to believe that this guy is a predator and does this to people intentionally. I told my ex that if that is the case, he may have legal rights. In some states you can file attempted murder or similar charges against these kinds of predators. I told him he should talk to others about it and do some research on it, and that even though this guy's email address is no longer valid, he knows where he lives as that's where it happened - he can go there with someone else (perhaps law enforcement) and get some answers. A few days later I asked him about it again and he said he's not going to do anything about it - he wants to stay positive and hopeful and that may bring him down. I don't get it - even if you don't want to pursue legal action, this person still needs to be informed if he doesn't know, and the health department should be notified if he does. I find his reluctance to contact this person very suspicious and it could support the theory that he knew exactly what he was doing.

Anyway, so now my mind has completely shifted to anger and hatred towards him - no more love and compassion right now - and it's really frustrating to me because I am so helpless in this situation. If my theory is correct - and I sure as heck hope it's not - then I may have some legal rights in all of this, especially if I end up testing positive next month. It seems unlikely that I will at this point, but it is possible, and I have a right to certain information. I've emailed my ex, asking for the contact information for this guy in case I do end up testing positive.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. Am I supposed to just let this all go and walk away from it all? Carry around all this pain and all these questions forever? Am I supposed to just accept the fact that I'll probably never know all the answers? Am I supposed to even think about forgiving him? Having a friendship again? How can I have a friendship with him when he a) did this, and b) possibly knew exactly what he was doing and the risk he was putting me in? How much can one hide behind mental illness to absolve themselves of responsibility? Am I just to accept that he's "messed up" and ignore the possibility that he manipulated this entire situation and the thought that the suicide attempt was probably the best way to manipulate sympathy out of people? I don't know what to do, in action or in my mind. I really feel like I'm going to lose it.

I'm so sick of all these feelings, and I'm so sick of this consuming my mind. I try to do other things, but I can't focus on anything. This just takes over. By nature I tend to dwell on things, and I always live in the past and never look forward. It's my nature, and this is a really difficult time to try to fight my nature. I am sick and tired of feeling all of this pain and I just want it to stop and I know it won't anytime soon and I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry I write such long posts. I know it's annoying to read all of this. Thanks again if you are.

[nowheretorun]

i might try to view it all from an angle that would provide relief to others who may find themselves in a similar situation future-wise...

if i had that much strength..

you can tell when the pressure is too much... time for a soda and a pleasant movie, walk in park...

safety is a high consideration... protecting others if the one your guy slept with is in fact knowingly infected and is in fact a predator...

some areas of the country manage this type case differently... several considerations why, but, where does your law enforcement stand on the issues?

remember to rest your mind....

[Susan27]

Hi. I read your posts and you are moving through a lot of mixed emotions right now. I can understand each one you've described. It's going to take some time to sort through all this mess inside and get to a point where you feel some comfort. The advice my therapist always gives me when I'm in places like this is not to make any major decisions until the dust settles. You just can't integrate all those feelings quickly and so you can't really know what to do until you give yourself time to process it all. I would just let yourself go through this anger/hatred place and try not to act on the emotional stages until they balance out and you come to a clearer picture of what it is that you'd like to do with him (besides push him out the window right now!)

[EvenMoreLost]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
nowheretorun said:
i might try to view it all from an angle that would provide relief to others who may find themselves in a similar situation future-wise...

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Thanks again for the replies. They help.

nowheretorun - I'm not sure what you mean by the above quote.

And no, I do not know what my local law enforcement (NYC) stands on the issue. I've been trying to call various HIV or gay and lesbian legal groups for some general info/advice, but I so far have not been able to speak to anyone yet. I'm not at the stage of hiring a lawyer or anything like that - just want some preliminary info.

Susan - thanks for the advice. My therapist also told me not to make any major decisions right now. She told me that the first night when I called her, and it's great advice. It's now 2 1/2 weeks later and I still feel like I can't make even minor decisions. In the course of 2-3 days I've gone from wanting him and I to heal from this and be best friends again to wishing he was dead and wanting to sue him for everything he's worth (which is nothing). I can't even decide what to eat! Well, having no appetite anymore doesn't help.

I just want these mood swings to lessen. Last night was bad - dark. I've realized that I've become paranoid that he's in the house and is trying to hurt me. The last 2 days I noticed something in the house that I thought was out of place. The first night I had my friend over and we opened every closet and looked behind every door. The next day I was alone, so I grabbed a large kitchen knife and did the same thing again. I had a dream last night that he was outside my bedroom window. I told my friend about it and said "why am I so paranoid that he's trying to kill me?!" And as I said it the answer formed in my head, as she said it out loud - because he did! Duh, so obvious, but it took saying it out loud to actually hear it. Whether he knew it or not, he tried to kill me.

I have another weird thing happening. Every night when I go to bed I step into the bedroom, turn on the lamp and right before I do I have this image in my mind that he's lying in bed, dead. It's incredibly disturbing and makes the bed much less inviting of course. I don't know how to stop it.

So yeah, last night was very dark for me. My friend was over and tried to get my mind onto other things and I couldn't at first, but eventually we started talking about something other than all of this and it felt good to remember that I'm not just this event - this one horrible thing that happened. This doesn't have to define me. But then this morning was even darker than it was last night. Really, really bad. Then a couple of things happened in the late morning that got my mind off of it for a bit and my mood has since lifted.

It's just really hard to force a mood change when you're feeling so bad. I can bring myself down easily, but not back up. I feel like I have to play mind games with myself to remain positive, but I don't know any!

Seeing my therapist tonight - that usually helps.

But I can't wait until these moods level off...

[nowheretorun]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
EvenMoreLost said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
nowheretorun said:
i might try to view it all from an angle that would provide relief to others who may find themselves in a similar situation future-wise...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks again for the replies. They help.

nowheretorun - I'm not sure what you mean by the above quote.

And no, I do not know what my local law enforcement (NYC) stands on the issue. I've been trying to call various HIV or gay and lesbian legal groups for some general info/advice, but I so far have not been able to speak to anyone yet. I'm not at the stage of hiring a lawyer or anything like that - just want some preliminary info.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

hi morelost ... hope you're doin ok now... all considering that is..

in imagining myself in your place, if i was able to rise above the present situation and think of how mt next actions could help future victims in similar circumstances...

in dealing with the various professionals, given an ability to communicate clearly, try very hard to humanize the situation so those who are helping also empathize on a level that encourages diligent and reputable management of the matter...

sorry, i know i am confusing at times and if it still doesnt make sense, please disregard it altogether.. im talking about a proactive, multi-level healing

on the law enforcement side, budgets, caseload, current politics all work into the equations... but a predator as described would likely be taken seriously in NYC and the case added to a special unit specialized in these type matters...

you'd be given a case detective who becomes your contact... keep records and notes....

hope this helps..

[EvenMoreLost]

Just wanted to follow-up:

I just had my second HIV test and I'm still negative!!! WOO!!!!

And otherwise I'm doing pretty well for the most part. Found a new apartment, move in a week, and trying to put this all behind me.

Thanks again to everyone for all your support.

[Cyran0]

EML, congrats on the test results. That's wonderful.

Cyran0