This total darkness................................ .............................

To anyone out there--

I am feeling very scared and alone. This total darkness is deafening outside but inside it is so scary. Tears fill my eyes yet no words come except "please do not hurt me". I sit here yet I wonder where I am, am I alone? Can anyone hear my cry? Does anyone care?

I am shaking as I write this. Memories flooding as if I were not here, this day not real, this place somewhere so far away--yet I write. Unable to reach out except through words that make no sense to anyone with a human mind for they did not have a human mind.

Fear is shooting through every part of me. I want to scream but that would mean I am not together and that is not possible. I cannot breath as my very breath is leaving me. Too much red--too much hurt. I want to run, I want to hide--just get away from what is happening within me.

For it is deep inside that I hold everything away from the world so that I can be good. I just want to be a good girl. It is there that lies what is hurting me, what no one can see. For to the outside I am just quiet not speaking a spoken word--not allowing anyone to see what is happening within. Is it because I feel undeserving or is it because no one is suppose to know.

Inside I feel this welling up of something that is bigger than me. Something I know yet fear more than anything I could write. Somewhere amidst all of this I lie, the one who went away to be able to continue to live. The one who is feeling this darkness that is eating me alive.

I have hid for so long and been strong but I am falling apart. I the strong one without and within. Even I cannot hold this in. A head that is pounding and a heart that is racing, and words within screaming "don't you ever tell, or they will put you where bad little girls go". Words that are so strong because in this mind that never grew still remembers and feels those threats.

Knowing full well that at any given point someone can figure out who you are and you are so scared that you once again shut down, but not without this fear , this gut wrenching fear inside you. Are you really ever safe? Can anyone really care about someone like me. Someone who is so many within, someone who is so afraid to let someone really inside this divided mind.

Hurt is hurt, abuse is abuse--threats are real so much so that at times it would be better to disappear within ones mind. Then no one would have to know or even care. That would not be an option. And the threat would be safe. But where does that leave the one in pain? The one that will want to hurt, and run, and shut everyone out.

For right now I am that one. That one who hurts, and is running, and shutting out the only ones that care. And why? Because it is a known. It is safest and it is something I do well. Me and everyone within. And this silence is only a part. It is not meant to hurt anyone for I am scared. I am scared to go where I know I must allow myself to go. A place where I left someone else to take it--so I could live.

Taking that back--even the thought is ripping my heart away. I do not know if I am even making any sense, all I know is how I feel. Is that these tears streaming down my face mean something. They are real, and they hold a pain that I have not felt. I am scared and I am reaching the only way I know how. It hurts.

Please forgive me for this being so long and not really saying anything. I am afraid to say more at this time, but I am trying--really I am. But thank you for allowing me to write.

cami

(((cami)))

oh sweetie, i wish i knew of some mix of words that would make it all better, but i know for a fact there is nothing in the world that i have at my fingertips except a warm hug and shoulder and a box of tissues and a place where you can feel safe as you can let yourself feel...((((cami))))))~melanie

I care for you.
I truly care.

I wish i could say more. Please do not think of this as a nothingless reply because i truly truly care.

Praying for you.

((((( cami )))))

Please know that you are loved....no matter what...it is unconditional love....the very best kind.

My heart aches for you and the others. If I could take on your pain to give you some peace, I would do it in a heartbeat.

*Gentle Hugs*
Much Love to you dear one
sabby

((((((((((((( cami )))))))))))))


love,
Fuzzy

(((((camillion))))) i hope this passes soon, you've been so supportive of so many here... theses dark times are not fitting for one so kind... the light will soon be shining... it comes from within... take a little of mine if you will to tide you over... sending care and good wishes...

Thank you all for your support. It means more than you know. This day, this week is dark--much darker than anyone knows. But knowing you are there helps me meet each second at a time. How do you say what cannot be said? How do you tell what lies deep within? How do you take another step when the one you take feels like quick sand?

My heart aches and my fear is great as I walk along this path. I reach out the only way I know how and that is through these words that I seem to type across this screen. Do they reach others--do others understand? I do not know. When you cannot really say what needs said, it makes it difficult for others to understand.

Please forgive me for the vagueness here. It is not meant to be. I just cannot find the words to tell. Each letter seems so hard to get to and reach. I fight to push each key because deep down I want someone to know where I am--yet, I cannot tell. But thank you for the thoughts and support each of you have given me. I truly mean that. Love to you all.

cami

hang in there ((((cami)))))) ... we will not let you fall..

sorry you feel so alone....i understand some.

one thing, if we hang in there as tight as we can, it does get better.
somehow, in some way, light flickers in and the soul finds her way back -
and hopefully that happens for you - and you find yourself in an even better place!

nightbird

((((((((cami)))))))))))

i can hear you. i am reading between the lines where the words unspoken are found. i can you hear you and i am with you. you are not alone. i walk with you and beside you. just take my hand and we will keep each other safe. our love and friendship will light the path and cast out the darkness.

i love you, all of you, with all of my heart.

(cami)
I understand what you are saying
sending hope to you and light your way

((((nowheretorun))))

Thank you for the support. I know you will not let me fall. I know I am safe here. I will eventually get this out, in time. Please be patient with me as I struggle to find the words to let go . You mean so much to me and your support. Thank you again.

cami

((((nightbird))))

Thank you so much for your understanding and support. It takes us all holding each other up at times when words do not seem to come. Thank you again.

cami

((((recluse))))

Thank you my dear friend. I know you walk beside me and sit quietly with me. The words I cannot seem to say are hidden within the walls of my heart. I know that you read there and that you are there. Thank you so much. The darkness scares me so but with you beside me and the others here at PC, I know I will make it. I love you my dear friend always and I am reaching out to you--please hold on so I will not fall.

cami

((((muffy))))

Dearest muffy--thank you so much for your support and understanding. Thank you for the hope and for the light you are sending, for in this darkness that light means more than you know. Again, I thank you for your support and I send love your way.

cami

((((cami)))) my love for you will never fail...you are held within my heart every day... I never, ever let you go... the speechless terror is what we share... and I understand... and hold you safe....

I stay with you.... forever and a day... sharing with you calm... peace... and rest... from me to you...and always... love

((((((((((((((((((((((cami)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am here beside you. Together we can be safe.

BB

((((freewill))))

I send this hug right back to you and I thank you for your words of support. I am right there beside you as we walk together to uphold one another on this journey we are walking. Yes, the darkness is black but with you with me--I feel safer and I know if we keep walking and reaching we will find the light once again.

Thank you for being there with me during this time. I love you to my dear friend and I hold you near mt heart also. Although this terror is speechless, I know you understand. You are never far from my thoughts or my heart.

cami

((((bb))))

BB your support means so much and I am so glad you are there to walk with me. This darkness I am facing is scary but I am reaching as far as I can. Thank you for being there and for all you do. I love you.

cami

My heart goes to you cami... I hope that you will feel better very soon
(((((Cami)))

((((sarahlilianne))))

Thank you for your thoughts, they do not go without notice. I appreciate you. Love to you.

cami

(((((cami))))))) Always holding you in safe and gentle hugs. I love you dear friend, for always!