[VampiresxLove]

Hey everybody. This is my first post here, and I have just made my account a few minutes ago.
In last two or three months I have felt very alone a lot of the time. I have felt this way even when I am in groups or doing "fun" activities. I feel extremely guilty and gloomy almost all the time about God knows what. I have thought deeply about it and I can't think of any event that might have triggered this. Most of the time in places like school I manage a smile and a laugh but every week or two I have a friend ask me what the matter is. I am finding it harder and harder to fake it, and I am feeling like my world is spinning out of control.
Outside of school I do nothing. I just stay at home listening to music, laying on my bed for hours, or going on the internet. I dread doing everything. Before (what I believe is depression) became intense, I was not super active outside of school but I enjoyed going places and going on vacation, which I now absolutely dread. My family is in no way a bad family, but unfortunately I know they would in no way support me if I told them how I am feeling. I have essentially lost my appetite. I haven't lost any weight but I've been barely hungry and only really eating dinner, and only eating dinner because I care about my health and know I need to eat. I actually feel pretty full almost all the time, which is surprising because I used to have a huge appetite. I used to love to go out to restaurants to eat, but now I dread it. I am also crying a lot more. Just today, I cried for an hour and a half over what I am going to explain below. I am not a crying kind of person but it just comes out when Im alone.
A few weeks ago, I finally told two of my friends, who knew me as a very happy person, how I am feeling. Trust me, they are two very good people but I was completely shocked by their reactions. I told them online on AOL Instant Messenger indirectly, just telling them I was feeling sad. They seemed fine with it and we continued to talk like usual. Well I have noticed that they have been becoming closer friends and they weren't talking to me as much as each other (I wont get into too much detail) and I pointed it out. I pointed this out kind of harshly, but it was not intentional and not extremely rude. Well, these two people were furious and they began to call me depressed and how I wasnt the same person anymore and they decided not to be friends with me anymore. I can tell they truly mean it and this will not just blow over by tomorrow.
I just feel utterly lost. I trusted these two people so much and I can't believe that this would happen. I did not pour out all my feelings to these two friends, but the little bit I told them occasionally really helped me deal with my feelings. Without them, I feel like I have nobody. Unfortunately, all my other friends do not know how I am feeling, and I cannot tell them for various reasons that I will not get into.
I Do not know what to do. I was waiting for this sad feeling all around me to stop but it hasn't and I need to do something about it. Maybe support on here would help, because I am not at a point now to tell anyone I know personally, after being almost betrayed by these two friends. Before they left me they told me it was all my fault that our friendship didnt work out and that I need to find a friend that would support me no matter what and would love me even if I was being "stupid and depressed." That makes a lot of sense but I have not found somebody like that in my life yet. Whats odd is, these two friends were just REALLY close to me and I have no idea what happened. One of these friends even told me that the other friend was so much better and that they wish they had never become friends with me because I just made them feel bad now. I can honestly tell you how much I didn't tell them about how I was feeling, I only told them VERY little details like "I'm feeling kind of tired." when I was really almost crying and feeling terrible.

So I was ranting. I dont know why I told you that. Maybe its a call for help or maybe I just needed to get it out there. Who knows, but there it is. It's everything I've been hiding from everyone.

[hold2truth]

Hi, Vamp,

I am new to this site, but I think this is a good place to start. I've been looking at the self help section. I find they help me a lot. I think this place is confidential and anonymous. At least allow me to say hi. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I suffer from depression, too, and I feel a lot like the way you do. I've found that medication helps, and your friends may need to come to terms with what you're dealing with. Perhaps meet some new people?

I've found that if I find something to distract my mind from whatever problem I'm dealing with, it's helped me quite a bit. I tend to dwell on issues and how to solve them a little bit too much.

I'm a little concerned about your eating habits, but I'll tell you this: eat when you are hungry, and don't when you're not. If you're concerned that your body's not getting what it needs, consider eating something good for you. I find that when I'm not hungry, I have a better chance of eating something healthy. This, in turn, makes me feel just a tiny bit better, knowing I made at least one good decision.

Hope this helps. Thanks for trusting us.

[queenie123]

Hi VampiresxLove

I'm so sorry to hear what your going through and can understand why you are feeling so hurt, you needed support from two people who you trusted and you were badly let down. It is possible that they acted in that way because they didn't fully understand or know how to help you, sometimes people turn their backs because they simply don't know how to help and then make it seem like it's your fault so that they ease their own guilt. You need positive friends in your life and please believe me when I say that they will come, I know that from experience. It's great that you feel able to share your story on here, we are here for you and ready to listen at any time.

Look after yourself, you are special, your going through a bad time so rant away all you want

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) queenie

[VampiresxLove]

Thank you, both of you. I really appreciate the support from this website so far. I think this website really has something to offer for me. Everybody I have met so far has been supportive and loving.
Hold-I appreciate your concern. I have thought about it and today I plan to start eating at every meal, even if just a little bit, healthy on top of that. It might help to have something good in my stomach.
Queenie- You don't know how much your post helped me! Hearing the sane possible explanation for my situation really helped me feel better about this situation. I can completely understand that they might have just not understood and naturally just turned away. This made me realize that it probably is not my fault that they left. Your post was just really optimistic and helpful. Thank you so much!