Just ranting.

You don't have to read this. It's just a rant. About motivation, independence, and clothing. I mean, just look at how long it is, anyway! No, I don't mean to push you away. I just don't want anyone to feel like they're obligated to support me. I just wanted to publish how I feel.

It's 12:49 AM. I'm not feeling very productive at all this week. Cyber School is way better for me than public school, but I can't deny it makes it easier to procrastinate. I don't have much schoolwork to do this week, but the little that must be done is hardly worth my time.

Today has been a busy day for me. I went with my mom on her errands. I wore my tighter-fitting purple hoodie. It doesn't provide as much warmth as my oversized grey-and-black striped one does, but at least I don't get funny looks from old people. I guess wearing that makes me look shady, or maybe it just doesn't show my shape well enough. It doesn't help that I'm out in the daytime. Maybe they think I'm a dropout. Maybe they think I'm pregnant or delinquent or using.

Anyway, people are much kinder to me when I'm dressed in my cute little hoodie and light pink tee-shirt. My nails are painted hot pink. I even wore a little lip gloss today (mainly because I tried some of my mom's on, and I couldn't get the darn stuff off).

I helped run errands. At 15, I'm kind of stuck in this dependence on everyone else, but at least going to Pet Supplies Plus with my mom's 20 dollar bill makes me feel like I can make some decisions in my life. I was frugal in my purchases, as I always am, buying two scoops of cheap guinea pig food, a bag of rat food, and some NutraPuffs that they all could eat. My total was 11 dollars.

I bought some clothes today, with my own money. My mom gave me a ten-dollars-off coupon. I checked the clearance rack and decided to buy a grey, long-sleeved tee shirt priced at $10.98. It turned out the shirt only came to a little over eight dollars, so I was able to buy a purple collared tee shirt, too. Total came to only $7.59 with the coupon. I didn't have to break my 50.

I want to see my friends. Tomorrow I'm going to the mall with one, then the band concert that I'm not allowed to be in starts at seven, so hopefully I'll be able to see most of them tomorrow.

I'm guessing not much schoolwork will be done until early Thursday. I hope I'm more ambitious by then.

Right now, I'm working on writing a story about a semi-futuristic United States when minors as young as 14 can be emancipated from their families. (Yeah, not much symbolism there...) It's coming along pretty well. I've constructed my characters. They're based on me and my friends, tweaked dramatically, of course, to make the story interesting. The characters decide to move in together, and the story is about what dramas would arise from being young and independent.

I wish I didn't have to do science. I'm pursuing algebra, but the rest of my schoolwork is just being done. I feel like I wouldn't miss much if I could quit school now. I took my PSATs. I scored higher than 99% of juniors in reading and writing, higher than 71% on math. Not too bad, right?

I'm struggling with motivation. I hope I get through it.

sometimes ... things can really pile up on you...
and it can get so frustrating. Lots of times you can hit this flat spot... where you don't feel like doing anything at all. I"m not sure that's what you mean, but I can understand how you might feel lack of motivation...
Just remember... things might feel tough now, but, they can get better if you keep working for it. If there's something specifically related to writing, or something you used to enjoy, try to remember what made you enjoy the activity in the first place...
good luck
and sorry this post is ... confusing I'm a bit tired and not thinking the best right now ^_^

^^Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
It's a little different, though. A little more complicated. I have no motivation to get motivated again.
I don't want to learn any more about the Feudal age in Japan, or how to revise my essays... And I'm sure I can ace this math test, why should I bother to complete the review homework?

I'm motivated and productive in almost all other areas. I help around the house, I'm seeing my friends often, I'm making a little money teaching flute... But the schoolwork is killing me.

mag, work you don't feel motivated to do is the worst and it acts like a magnifying glass for any other emotional disturbances you're going through (in my experience).

The story you're writing sounds cool though. Do you get a winter break? Maybe you can just follow your bliss for awhile and work on that project.

Good luck to you my friend.

Cyran0

It sounds like you had a fun day. That's great; it sounds like you needed it. Can you give yourself a couple hours of writing time with the promise to yourself that you'll finish up your schoolwork?

One of the best things I learned in college was Don't Think. Just do what you need to do. It doesn't seem like much, but you'll feel so much better when you get it behind you.

The way I see it, this week's work doesn't need to be done until after New Year's. That will give me more than enough time to actually become motivated to learn the material. In the meantime, my parents recieved a progress report in the mail today. Straight A's, the only exception being a B in English. Nothing to worry over. If you read my posts, I think you can see English isn't an issue for me.

The procrastination isn't a good thing, but at the very least, it isn't stressing me out at this point. I'm going to some holiday parties tomorrow, one with family and one with friends. I've found a song from my favorite band that absolutely blows me away; I've been listening to it almost obsessively. I practiced piano, even though my poor excuse for an instrument (61-key non-weighted keyboard) is beginning to frustrate me. I'm writing. I'm happy.

And in the end, I think what matters most is how a person feels.

mag, congrats on the A's.

And I hear ya on the non-weighted keys. Mine's full size but the keys aren't weighted and it drives me nuts. But I suck so I can't really point to the keys as my biggest problem.

Cyran0

Haha, thanks. I'm saving up for a digital piano, since I've pretty much outgrown my keyboard and my expression is terrible. It's difficult to practice all week on a springy keyboard, then go to a piano lesson and work on weighted keys. My piano teacher is trying desperately to talk my parents into getting me a better instrument.