[Queenie1234]

I wondered if anyone can help. i have a close friend who has been depressed all year. He doesn’t answer messages a lot, is very withdrawn.
I’ve tried so hard to help and encourage him to get help but he gets annoyed.
I’ve started to struggle some days as i repeatedly say just read messages even if you don’t reply so i don’t worry. I get upset he won’t respect this and we go in circles. If i say it upsets me he ignores me.
lots of my friends say to not bother with him but that seems wrong to me as sometimes he does open up and talk. Does anyone have any advice. Also i struggle to understand he can go to work but not answer me but says it’s cause has to do that. i’m trying to educate myself so i can support him. Any advice would be appreciated

[CANDC]

@Queenie1234 welcome to MSF. I am sorry your friend is hurting from depression. Isolation from people is a usual reaction when one is suffering from depression.

The short answer is until your friend reaches out for help like psych meds then there is not much you can do except be a good friend. Listen when they talk and be patient when they clam up. People can still hold down a job and be depressed even if that seems difficult.

If you feel that you are struggling also with some mental health issues and it is possible, a therapist can help us cope with our own situation and respond appropriately to others.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

[Fuzzybear]

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Queenie1234

I wondered if anyone can help. i have a close friend who has been depressed all year. He doesn’t answer messages a lot, is very withdrawn.
I’ve tried so hard to help and encourage him to get help but he gets annoyed.
I’ve started to struggle some days as i repeatedly say just read messages even if you don’t reply so i don’t worry. I get upset he won’t respect this and we go in circles. If i say it upsets me he ignores me.
lots of my friends say to not bother with him but that seems wrong to me as sometimes he does open up and talk. Does anyone have any advice. Also i struggle to understand he can go to work but not answer me but says it’s cause has to do that. i’m trying to educate myself so i can support him. Any advice would be appreciated

how to understand him -

remember back when you were in school. maybe it was an academic class, or gym or free time, and someone came to you or you were called on. you just wanted to be alone and watch the game or you didnt know the answer to a question or you just wanted time to sit and think. but every time you wanted to "just be" there was someone there asking you to do something..

asking you to answer the question or read aloud in class or do your homework or hey why arent you out there playing with everyone else...or putting chores on you .. you really need to do your homework, if only you would do this I would know you were doing ok in class, hey dont you have homework to do now, take out the trash, hey did you clean your room yet, you need to clean your room, it will make m so happy to know you have cleaned your room, taken a shower.... bla bla bla all these rules and things other people want you to do to please them, and all you want to do is find a quiet place to think or listen to your music or watch your favorite tv show or just raid the fridge for a snack but every time you want "me time" there's someone right there demanding you do something, demanding you follow through with things that will make them happy.

thats whats happening.

the depression is his problem not yours. he is dealing with it how he wants to deal with it.

you are in fix it mode making demands on him that he follow through with things that will please ......you.

you both are not on the same page, going your separate directions. you are trying to put yourself into .....his......situation and he is pushing you away.

the way to get back on the same page is you need to take that step back. he has already taken a step back, now is not the time for you to step closer, so if you want to be on the same page with him you too need to take a step back.

try and remember this is about him not you, your feelings and what you want him to do has to take the back seat,

he is in the drivers seat. like driving the car he makes the decisions because its his problem, his depression not yours.

your part as his friend is taking a step back until he asks for your help. most people in this situation say something like this -

Im sorry if I was butting in where I didnt belong, I see that you want to deal with this your way, just let me know if theres anything I can do to help, you know where to find me.

then you get back on track of letting him take care of him and you take care of you and when its time he will ask for your help.