Supporting someone with depression

I'm not sure if this is right place to talk about this, but I'm sure someone will let me know either way.

I'm not depressed myself, but I'm struggling. Over the last few years, for a few reasons, my husband has fallen steadily deeper into depression. He's such a warm, friendly person in general I don't think anyone outside myself even realises there's anything wrong, or if they do they really don't understand the scale of it. He hates admitting there's anything, and it has taken the last six months just to get him to make a doctor's appointment, and seek some outside help.

I realise to some people I may sound selfish, but the thing is, I sometimes feel at the end of my tether myself. Having experienced depression myself in my teens I know he's handling it better than I ever did, and yet I just feel so overwhelmed by his emotional demands. I get really angry with him sometimes, I just want to shake him out of himself, even though I know this isn't something he has much control over.

I've always grown up in an environment where we express our feelings very openly and honestly; now I find if I do that, I only add to his guilt and bad feelings about himself, because he doesn't want to upset me. Talking to my friends feels like a betrayal to him, because I know he'd hate for other people to know how he feels.

I feel so tired lately, and such a failure as his partner.

hi littleblackcloud
it does not mean you cant get support for yourself from your friends. you do not need to talk about how he feels, just how you feel. you can mention that he is struggling but you do not need to reveal the details. talk about your feelings and your struggles. you need support thru this too. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

I have severe depression, and I spent four years in a relationship with someone who also had severe depression. It's really hard, and it makes perfect sense that you're struggling with it. That doesn't make you a bad person.

Have you considered getting therapy for yourself? Even though you're not currently depressed, it sounds like you could really use the support. I found that really helpful when I was struggling to deal with the effects of my partner's depression. You can't change him or make him get treatment, but sometimes it helps to have a safe person who can listen to you vent and maybe give you some helpful perspectives. You deserve support too!

Hi littleblackcloud. Welcome to the community. Don't feel guilty. It can get difficult worrying about a loved one's illness and problems. I agree with the others in that you also need to find support for yourself. Best wishes and hugs to you.

I am so sorry, littleblackcloud...

I don't have any words of wisdom. I only have my point of view. I have depression and my husband does not.
When things were are their worst for me, I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel anything.

I am at a slightly better level now, so I can pretty much be objective about that time in my life.

In my opinion, my husband had it worse than I did. I was numb, but he was not. He had all of the work and no joy. He had to worry about me and try to find out about depression. He had to keep it together and pretend to be "normal" (truth is, he almost lost me and was terrified). He was, literally, my caretaker. The list goes on, as you well know.

The fact is that he still had to live. For both of us.

What I do remember from that time is being visually reminded of NORMALCY Even though there were odd days when I resented it, I am now eternally grateful to him. Because of him, I now have hope.

I know this does NOT ease your burden in any way. I cannot do that except to remind you to get as much support as you possibly can in any way that you are able. And to take some occasional time for yourself...perhaps it's only in half-hour increments, but you have to recharge your batteries somehow.

I get the stress and the resentment and the guilt for feeling resentment and being unable to talk to anyone, IRL....But here, it's okay to vent and commiserate. Nobody will judge you.

My guilt isn't so much from talking about it – although honestly it's not something I like doing – but from how angry I'm feeling lately. I keep telling myself it's not his fault, he's got an illness like any other, but honestly sometimes I just can't make myself care anymore. And that's where I really start feeling awful.

I'm just feeling so much resentment at the moment - his job was really getting him down so he switched to part-time, to give him more energy and time to look for something else. Perhaps you can guess where this is going: all that extra time just means more time lying in bed.

I used to feel more sympathy, but at the moment he's also so angry. sophiesmom, I understand what you mean about feeling numb, when I went through depression that was exactly how I felt. I just didn't care about anything – I remember my folks losing it with me one day when i'd answered "don't care" for the 1000th time, and I just stood there, not really understanding them (that has changed with time!) and still feeling nothing whatsoever.

His depression seems different, he's suddenly become this incredibly angry person, but manages to be angry with me and needy at the same time. As in he'll be an (expletive), but if lose it with him, he instantly switches to being upset and needing reassuring.

It's also our "roles" seem to have swapped - he used to be the spontaneous extrovert, and I was the organised introvert. We both valued independence, in ourselves and in each other. I always tended have alone time when I needed it, because he had loads of friends he could hang out with when I just wanted to read my book. Now of course, he doesn't want to see anyone anymore, but seems to think we don't spend enough time together either (as I work from home, and he currently only works two days a week, I disagree).

Anyway, lost my temper today and shouted some rather painful truths at him - I know the fact that they're true make them a lot harder for him. Look I'm not a saint, I've never been a patient person, but I really do try with him - the problem is I fail constantly and that's where all this guilt comes from. I worry I'm making things worse, and prolonging things – how do other partners cope with this?