[jaklevco]

I'm looking for support and advice

My passion is music. I mean, playing an instrument.
Two weeks ago, certain health conditions occured and they prevent me from doing anything what requires actions with my hand. And today, I found out that it is severe and I may not play an instrument ever again...

Playing music is more than hobby for me. It's my passion. I found something within myself with it. Although I never want it to be my professions, it is an inseparatable part of my life.

I've already thought about some alternatives to this hobby, but nothing suits me.

To mention some, changing an instrument won't solve my problem. In addition, I would be able to play like one or two of my favorite songs. And it would lack the energy and feel, so I wouldn't enjoy it. I know that because I play multiple instruments and this has already happened to me before I decided to learn the second one...

Audio engineering lacks the creativity and conection to tones, you don't produce them...

I like writing music, but I must have an instrument in my hand to do that. Besides, I need strong motivation/inspiration to be able to come up with something. And when I had it in the past, I regretted very much that I produced something...

Now, I just feel lost, depressed and don't know what to do...

[CANDC]

Hi @jaklevco I am so sorry for the loss of your hand and your inability to play the instrument you love.

Hope you find the joy that music brings you in some way. @CANDC

[jaklevco]

Hi @CANDC, you know, it is playing the music what fulfills me. It is not listening to it, but actively creating the tones.

Right now, I don't even listen to music because I know that I lost the ability to play for a long time (if not completely). Also, it was some kind of a coping mechanism for me. Although it was not 100% efficient, it helped in some way.
I have also other concerns, but this was the thing I could rely on anytime. It feels as if I lost a loved one. Now, I feel completely lost.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by jaklevco

Hi @CANDC, you know, it is playing the music what fulfills me. It is not listening to it, but actively creating the tones.

Right now, I don't even listen to music because I know that I lost the ability to play for a long time (if not completely). Also, it was some kind of a coping mechanism for me. Although it was not 100% efficient, it helped in some way.
I have also other concerns, but this was the thing I could rely on anytime. It feels as if I lost a loved one. Now, I feel completely lost.

@jaklevco
I reached a point in my keyboard playing where I could not play the songs I heard in my head so I would play pieces of them on tracks and then combine the tracks together on a computer. I made interesting music that way and that fulfilled some of my desire to create music. @CANDC

[jaklevco]

@CANDC
I my case it's slightly different. My dominant instrument is guitar and this instrument is fundamental part of the music I play. Even if my injury would allow playing a different instrument, I wouldn't be able to play the music I like. On guitar, I know ca. 170 songs. On piano (I can play that one too), I'd be able to play 3 of them and none of those is my favorite.

Mostly, I played covers of my favorite songs, composing is a different chapter.

When it comes to creating my own music, again, we face the problem of different instrument because on keyboard you can't play or record certain essential guitar techniques and figures. In addition, I use a very different recording style and I want to avoid using computer as much as possible. Also, I need to have the guitar in my hand to compose as I need to hear and play the idea immediately.
But what is worse, I have no idea what would be my inspiration. After all, I wouldn't be able to play the music if I made any and playing the tones is what I enjoy...

[mote.of.soul]

Wow I am so very sorry to read of your predicament jaklevko, I'm a guitarist too into producing and I dread to think how "upset" I'd be in your place... . the best I can offer is please utilise your love of creating music somehow! and I pray for a great miracle healing phenomenon to take place, its been known to happen! (Sorry) I am sorry this has happened to you.

You know, from the producing side of your music interest, there are many very highly regarded industry standard Virtual instruments VSTi out there of nearly any instrument, where the subtleties of the instrument can be captured! If you listen to the background music of a movie these days, very dramatic, it's virtual instruments! (Or should be) Costs money though obviously, but I'd go down that path jaklevko because you're still creating music and there's probably some great guitar Vsti out there too, I'd definitely check them out at least. The love of creating/producing music will be the thing to fill the void surely .

[divine1966]

I am so sorry. What a predicament. May I suggest singing? Obviously not the same but it’s music and doesn’t require using your hands. And I like mote of soul suggestion of virtual music. Something computer generated. Again. Not the same but still you could come up with cool stuff.

[jaklevco]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am so sorry. What a predicament. May I suggest singing? Obviously not the same but it’s music and doesn’t require using your hands. And I like mote of soul suggestion of virtual music. Something computer generated. Again. Not the same but still you could come up with cool stuff.

Good sugestions. However, I can't sing, I tried doing so in my band, but this is definitely not the way. My "singing" there is rather saying something.

Virtual music, that's what I tried to explain previously. This is not for me at all, mainly because of the genre. Now I willrepeat myself, but this is not for me because I have no inspiration to create something of my own and I can't create without an instrument in my hand

[jaklevco]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Wow I am so very sorry to read of your predicament jaklevko, I'm a guitarist too into producing and I dread to think how "upset" I'd be in your place... . the best I can offer is please utilise your love of creating music somehow! and I pray for a great miracle healing phenomenon to take place, its been known to happen! (Sorry) I am sorry this has happened to you.

You know, from the producing side of your music interest, there are many very highly regarded industry standard Virtual instruments VSTi out there of nearly any instrument, where the subtleties of the instrument can be captured! If you listen to the background music of a movie these days, very dramatic, it's virtual instruments! (Or should be) Costs money though obviously, but I'd go down that path jaklevko because you're still creating music and there's probably some great guitar Vsti out there too, I'd definitely check them out at least. The love of creating/producing music will be the thing to fill the void surely .

Listen, I aprreciate what you write to me, but to me creating my own music is not the problem. It's the fact that I can't play it. I would say that creating my own music is not what I love much. It just came to me somehow, I will write about it below.
In the past, I tried to do something on my computer and I found out this is clearly not something I would enjoy. My passion is playing music, not the production. Another thing is that if I was able to create something without instrument in my hand, it would be actually depressing that I can't play it.

To give you some idea, I can play ca. 170 songs I like and I created only 6. I haven't listened to those for more than a year and haven't played them for much longer because the story behind this was really depressing. I really regret that I did it actually. And since then, although I had two or three riff ideas, I didn't have the motivation to do something complex, there was simply no reason (it is not for my band and even my recording gadgets broke down).

I'm more into heavy music so as a guitarist you probably can understand there are different kinds of palm mute tones, for example. Also, I study IT so that's another reason why playing music was a great hobby and passion for me as it didn't involve anything digital (my setup is completely analog).

[CANDC]

@jaklevco I hear you. It is not the same. I thought of that keyboard shaped as a guitar that musicians wear like a guitar but that has the same problems you mentioned about not being able to do some guitar sounds.

Sorry for your loss. It sounds like a challenge for you. Glad you reached out here in MSF. @CANDC

[jaklevco]

@CANDC exactly. Especially when you want to play rock music.

It's not the first time I posted something here. And this is not the only thing which I struggle with.
This is the most recent issue I have and it really struck me hard so I sreach for some advice where I can...
After all, as one of my favorite musicians said, "If I hadn't had music in my life, it's quite possible I'd be dead and I'd much rather be alive."
So it really feels as if part of me was just disappearing...

[mote.of.soul]

Yes, I totally understand what you're saying @jaklevko. I do. Good old analog setup, some cool effects pedals, muted chords with some distortion, maybe chorus and delay...playing your favourite songs...everything. Taken away. Terrible.😭🙏 I would go out into the darkness night after night beneath the stars and demand to the angels above to tell God to give me another chance! Restore my power to play music please! Anything!

[jaklevco]

You know, the healthcare system here functions in a way that I have no idea when I can get to doctor. So far, I have to wait for three months. And I can't go to the doctor in the town where I study because it is in a different country and I have only basic insurance within the European Union.
Yesterday, I was able to listen to music for the first time during last couple of days (to give you broader context, I used to listen to music at least five hours a day). Now, I feel that the feeling in my hand is gradually getting worse, so even if I listen to music I like, I have mixed feelings...

[emily1890]

is it possible that there are people in your area that you can show how to play the instrument?

become like a teacher. then, you'll still have a bit of it, because you'll be helping others discover your tallent

I don't know if that's possible in your situation, but it's a thought..

[jaklevco]

Tahnks for writing @emily1890.
I wanted to teach this year, but I couldn't find anybody who would be interested. Besides, I can't really imagine how I would teach because I wouldn't be able to show them how to do some things. Theoretical knowledge is one thing, but that's not all what you need to learn properly. Also, a very good way to learn playing is by jamming. Right now, I'm unable to play a single short song...

[mote.of.soul]

You know, the healthcare system here functions in a way that I have no idea when I can get to doctor. So far, I have to wait for three months.

Ah, so there IS hope for you yet jaklevko. Whatever it takes and however long it takes, yes, get to the doctors. Get a diagnosis of your condition (if you don't have one already) and throw yourself headlong with great purpose and energy into retrieving the function in your hand - the Europeans have had thousands of years to study these things dating back to the ancient Greek physician Hippocrates! Surely it will be okay! In the meantime you could research possible causes and diagnosis and see what kinds of approaches they suggest for improvement and ultimate restoration of hand function. In the meantime stay very hopeful and believe it will get better. Your quality of life will come back. That's the other thing I would do.🙏

[jaklevco]

@mote.of.soul
Well, that's up to doctors. The one I have been to recently was unsure if there is hope. For now, I have some kind of diagnosis, but no treatment (I need to go to a different doctor to have that). I try some magnets, exercising, massaging it with some lotions made for this, but it is getting worse and worse... You are right with the study, but the countries I live in have horrible healthcare system...
The cause is absolutely clear. I have tried the suggestions in the past as prevention, but here I am.
I hope it will be better because now, it is not only about the music, but also about basic daily tasks such as opening the door. In two weeks, next semester of my studies start. I may have complications because of this and I live there alone, so I'm curious what my life will be like.

Every day, I hope it will get better, or at least that I will find an activity which would be fulfilling for me. But with no success (despite having done decent research). There are also other things bothering me and even with this, I can certainly proclaim that last four months have been the worst in my life

[Violetta75]

Hi @jaklevco

All I can do is try to empathize with you, because I can imagine what that might be like, and I also sometimes struggle with being able to play the guitar anymore. It's a lot like losing your best friend. It's what I reach for, the guitar, to distract me, it is a fulfilling instrument. I'm wondering if with rest this might get better yet. Over using muscles and joints isn't good. But if I don't play for 3 or 4 days I feel like I need to.
It's very good therapy for me. I'm not invalidating your experience at all, I believe you, but as stated above, I hope you get a miracle too. And in 3 months I hope it's better when you get to that doctor.

[jaklevco]

Hi @Violetta75

Now, I haven't played for more than three weeks. There are also other things which bother me and because of this, I have no creative outlet to relax. It isn't like losing your best friend, it's like losing your family.
In my case it's not overusing muscles and joints so I don't know. I will probably get to doctor sooner, but right now, it is so serious that I barely can do something with my hand.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by jaklevco

Tahnks for writing @emily1890.
I wanted to teach this year, but I couldn't find anybody who would be interested. Besides, I can't really imagine how I would teach because I wouldn't be able to show them how to do some things. Theoretical knowledge is one thing, but that's not all what you need to learn properly. Also, a very good way to learn playing is by jamming. Right now, I'm unable to play a single short song...

Yes, the truth is that for now it’s complicate even to teach to play.
Hope you find a good doctor and recover the use of your hand.
Your case made me remember an episode of Dr House.
A famous saxophonist faced in that episode to the fact (I don’t exactly remember why) …to the fact that he won’t ever be able to play his sax and he wanted to die. Dr House tried to convince him that he was more than a saxophonist but the artist replied: Playing this saxo is my why I was born. What would happen if you, Doctor House, couldn’t make what you were born for.

Happy end, Dr cured him. I wish you find a Dr. House.

[jaklevco]

@AzulOscuro, apparently, the healthcare in my country is a catstrophe. I visited two doctors, now I'm waiting for an appointment for the third one and I still have no diagnosis. After visiting the third one, I need to go back to the previous one (so one more month of waiting for an appointmen) and maybe then, she will tell me the diagnosis. So I don't know when to expect treatment. During the last week, there were moments where I'd give my life to stop the problem. It started hurting really much and sometimes, it was unbearable. I can't write and working on computer is difficult (yeah, my field of study). And because of that, my studies may be ruined...

[AzulOscuro]

Yes, I understand Jak. It’s terrible, now that you need to write and do all these operations.

I don’t understand why you need three doctors for a diagnosis unless they are all specialists in different things all related to a hand’s functioning or they all have to do a specific different test. I hope it all will be for the best and you get the proper diagnosis, at least.
Now, a whole month waiting is too long. Here, at Public Health System there are also long waiting lists and you have to wait a lot especially at fields such as traumatology.

Have faith, unless while there’s hope. Don’t think the worst now. The most important now is that they get a proper diagnosis and you can work on the recovery of your hand.

Surely, you will have to pay again for another examination at some subjects next course. Is it very expensive there? Or at least, can you afford it? Is there a lot of competency there in this field? Sometimes, we have to postpone things that matter but it doesn’t mean you won’t get it. It doesn’t mean you won’t achieve your goal in the end.

Said that, I understand you have now a very low mood and there’s no consolation for you now.
I’m sorry, folk.

[jaklevco]

@AzulOscuro I needed a GP to write me a paper which would allow me to go to specialist. I am at private clinic, but they told me that the specialist would be free in three months. So I needed to look somewhere else. I got there several week later and she can't do the tests so I need to go to another doctor. I have an appointment there in two weeks. So I expect my treatment to start in one month, if not later

Well, yeah, I should keep faith, but this week, I start getting assignments and I must work on them on my own. Also, there is one project where I'm responsible for three other people I never met...

With the courses, it isn't paid to retake the courses. The problem is that if I don't submit assignments or don't take tests, I fail them, I won't be allowed to take final exams. Of course, I can sign up next year, but I will have one less attempt at final exams and if I fail then, they will kick me out. Also, during the fifth semester, I am obliged to find a job as it is a mandatory part of my study plan.

You're right, I do have very low mood. But that is caused also by other things. To help you imagine, yesterday, I bought a ticket to see one of my favorite bands in two months and I don't feel like I'm looking forward to it. It is in a town I don't like much and also, now I'm definitely not in the mood of going alone, but there is no one who would go with me. I'm so depressed (not only because of my hand) that even this can't change my mood

[AzulOscuro]

I do really feel for you, because I lived kind of a similar situation. It’s not easy to face the day with a heart broken. Better said, it’s ton of hard. Especially when none of what’s currently happening in your life helps.
Can I tell you that you are being very brave. Much more than me at the similar situations.

You are grieving double, the loss of a soulmate and the possible loss of your hand mobility (we will hope the best here).

In the second is at least to wait for a more efficient Health system. F@ck!
I bet you are writing and doing all these operations in spite of the pain. Do you have to take a lot of pain killers? And do you had as a suggestion by the doctor, don’t use your hand at all? It’s curious how sometimes we take for granted things and abilities that we may just one day suddenly lose. And it makes a whole big difference.
I had a car accident and the air bag harmed my right arm. I’m right-handed, too. I had to have a plaster. It was only for ten days but it seemed to me a whole month. Thanks to my learners who helped me a lot. They wrote in the blackboard for me. They helped me all I needed it. To carry stuff and all. Only 10 days. And you are already months with this problem.

I’m sorry to delay my reply. I’m not having a good time. I’m taking my doggie daily for a shoot at the vet clinic and I’m missing so much my other doggie (baby) who passed away.
I have no kids so they are my babies.

Hope you can see a little of light.

[jaklevco]

@AzulOscuro don't apologize for delaying the reply. I know you have to deal with issues of your own. I don't care when you reply, I care that you do.

Thanks for saying I'm brave, it feels different when it's someone else than me saying it. I know I'm not perfect, but but I know I'm strong, brave, intelligent and mainly, emotionally very grown-up for my age (also people I could blame for some of my great sufferings told me so). Unfortunately, I must say the world is showinhg me that this and doing my best is NOT enough for things I want in my life (some career/academic success, at least one reliable friend and mainly, finally being in a relationship).

I'm not writing at all. During last two weeks I just wrote an address on a letter I needed to send and wrote one short poem/lyrics. I didn't enjoy it this time and my hand hurt VERY much so I regret it. Working on computer consists of two fingers of my non-dominant hand. One of my recent courses is about designing an application so drawing diagrams...
I will repeat myself, but to emphasise, I don't write at all.
I've been writing this post for 50 minutes, then I pressed post and it logged me out due to inactivity, so here we go again...
The neurologist presctibed a strong painkiller which helps with any pain and inflamation. But it had no effect on me. I was there three weeks ago and my state is constantly worsening so I had no advice from her.
I wish I had people around me who would help me. You were lucky to have those.

I'm not sure if you mean "loss of soulmate" literally. But no matter if you do, I grieve both. I lost a passion which became a part of my personality, lost an important friend and a girl who really seemed to be my real soulmate.

Good that you hope for me. But I haven't seen any light for months despite actively looking for it wherever and whenever possible.