[gary290]

I’m checking in. It’s after midnight and I’m in process of getting ready for sleep. Feeling apprehensive. Hopefully I can get some rest. Life with disrupted sleep patterns is for the birds. I feel I’m better prepared tonight.

[Rose76]

I'm not depressed, but I'm tending to sit around not getting stuff done. This will lead to depression, if I don't snap out of it. Don't want to go through that again. Not this soon after recovering from a long interval of depression.

[3rd rock]

I took my vacation in Texas. I didn't do nearly as much as I thought of doing, and I spent three of eight days there just relaxing around the house I rented on airbnb. Then, the weekend after I came back, I bought a new truck. I rather like it, and it made me feel very good. However, I can't help but fight the suspicion that something bad is coming. I'm trying to work on my novel, but it's very slow going. I have to keep pushing back the estimated completion date; it's now sometime in the second half of next year. I feel like this novel has the potential to be my life's work, the best I've done yet. But it's so hard to stay motivated and not to second-guess myself. I keep deleting entire swaths of it and then rewriting them, only to do it again later. It's very hard to make progress. Still, I have to keep reminding myself this is just a draft, and any problems can be worked out in rewrites later.

I still hate myself. I've hated myself for so long, over 20 years now, I think it's permanent. I think this disease has permanently warped my mind and I'm no longer capable of functioning mentally like a normal, healthy person. I can't establish relationships or engage with people normally. I'm just sort of resigned to my life now. I may try to get back into dating later this year, but I doubt anything will come of it. I tried the apps, but those are a disaster. I regret how I've wasted my life.

[nonightowl]

Rock kudos to you for going on vacation alone. I haven’t had one in decades and don’t want to go alone as I’m always alone. And I have nobody to hold down the fort.

I’m trying not to panic, as I haven’t heard from my only real life friend in weeks. Not necessarily unusual and it’s happened before but I try not to think the worse. But I don’t know how I could know for sure. We just email, and he’s in another state the last 14 years. This week I had an epiphany, realizing he’s my rock and anchor, someone I can tell anything to without judgement. I’ve known him almost 20 years! He’s the only person who remembers I exist.

We don’t have any mutual friends I could check with, though I have some old information for emergency contacts for him. I also have a physical address and cell number for him, but he doesn’t really use it much at all. I thought of how without him I’d be TRULY alone. I’d never hear that chime again on my phone, never get anymore cat pictures, etc. I look forward to receiving his messages and it’s the first thing I check daily when I get up. I care about no other messages which are either scams or a notice my bill or statement is now ready for viewing/paying.

I’m sure he would NOT ghost me. There’s many possible reasons why I am not getting a reply. I even looked up stuff like power outages, internet issues, etc. in his area but can’t find anything.

Also feeling ptsd from something similar that happened in 2016. I suddenly stopped hearing from someone and again, no mutual friends. I didn’t find out until 2 months later he passed and I found out online. Horrible way to find out.

I’m trying not to panic, as I do that too quickly anyway, for everything. After a few days I’ll try the other email address, cell, snail mail. As a last resort I’ll risk disturbing a stranger, though they might think I’m a scammer. I hope nothing happened to his cat or mother, both would devastate him of course.

Lately I feel so much loss, which I’m sick of. Although these aren’t people, I’m sad about my local bank branch closing, local drugstore and the demolishing of the office building next to my building. I’m actually grieving the losses of those places. They are going to build more apartments, luxury ones of course.

I mourn the loss of my copper landline which always works still during a power outage or storm. But I don’t think they are going to fix it, they said it was copper theft and vandalism. It’s more secure and robust than a stupid cell phone, which needs to be charged. No dropped calls or poor reception on a landline. I’m stuck at home most of the time with just 2 bars on my cell.

All my efforts to make friends didn’t pan out. I just go to my exercise class occasionally because seeing and hearing everyone talking and laughing makes the loneliness unbearable. And even though I don’t know if they know each other well or are just acquaintances, it’s still hard to be around. Sick of the same music and steps too.

I’m relieved my effing upstairs neighbor is apparently moving out but that also means more uncertainty, which I hate. I could get another crappy neighbor but I can only hope not.

I need something good to happen, a good person in my life. The volunteers who were supposed to give me social support aren’t doing it.





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Sent from my iPhone 📱

[Rose76]

I just walked to the post office to pick up something. It's about one half mile away. Coming home, I felt like I could barely make it. That hasn't happened before, since I've been walking a lot. It is 98°F out there. I suppose the heat was a factor.

Not depressed, but lazy.