Having a severe depressive episode.

Thank you. I have to give a lot of thought to what you've advised in this post. The health care network that I'm using is very good in many ways. It is a big teaching hospital with satellite clinics for primary care and for specialty areas. I feel their caliber of service is excellent in a wide diversity of areas, with one exception. Their psych department is nothing to brag about.

A year ago, I asked my primary doctor to refer me for some psych care. He said he was hesitant to refer me to the hospital's psych services facility because he said "That place is a ***** show." I knew that myself, but it surprised me that he stated that so baldly. He agreed to refer me to someone, and that seemed helpful, but it didn't last long at all.

These episodes I experience, when I'm under bad emotional stress, are waking nightmares. It does seem inhuman that I go through these "attacks" completely alone with zero support. When I visit my primary care MD, he doesn't even ask how my mental health is doing.

I feel like professionals in healthcare never quite believe that I have a serious emotional problem. I think that's because I "present" well. I have so much experience masking my inner distress. I had to do that to be able to stay employed and just to be able to live halfways normal. Even in grammar school, I felt mentally distressed. I tried to confide that to a teacher, who seemed unable to comprehend what I was trying to say. My grades were good, so teachers told me I would go far. I've gone far, alright . . . far into mental h€||.

I'm exhausted now, but I'll think more about this. Thank you for helping me to believe that I have a right to not be so ignored. I know it's each individual's responsibility to figure out how to make life meaningful. But I think, at times, I get judged as just not trying hard enough to resolve my problems, which don't seem like they're any big deal.

I have to try to sleep.

I hope you got some sleep Rose

You’ve got a lot on your mind right now, it must be exhausting. Sleep and regular eating is important, good to focus on prioritising that.

I do appreciate what you say about appearing to be better than you are feeling inside. If it’s appropriate can you write down for any professionals what you are like on your worst day?

Rose, Should you decide to get some help..is it possible to copy what you have written here and take it with you..just a thought on my part. Did you get my message?

Hi Rose, How are you toxay?

I'm continuing to improve. I'll walk today to a nice grocery store to buy some essentials. It's only two blocks away on the street I live on. It has everything. Not as inexpensive as Walmart, but I won't have to use gas. So lack of the expenses of maintaining a car more than offsets the higher store prices. Things are proving more manageable than I thought they would be. My neighbors have been offering me rides. Haven't needed them yet. I like to be self-sufficient. But they are very kind. I'm glad their back up is available.

I am happy for you Rose. Here's hoping you are on a very long positive roll !

I'm back to a normal state of mind. It's like I had a painful, throbbing abscess that suddenly burst and drained out.

Now I feel optimistic, like everything will work out. Yesterday a mobile bicycle service came and beautifully cleaned and restored my old, broken bike. I walked to the grocery store last evening for some needed items, like milk. The walking is actually starting to feel good.

The depressed, morbid, hopeless thinking is gone. Now I need to get some motivation to get positive things done. Right now I've got a toothache.

That depressive episode did truly end. What a relief! I'll be okay until the next episode. That could be months away. I hope.

I spoke too soon. Last evening I got very sad. Not as depressed as I had been, but still don't feel normal. I did walk to the store for milk. When I got home, I just wanted to go back to bed.

Not doing good at all. This is awful disappointing. I really recovered for a few days. I didn't think I would fall this soon again.

Not very interesting. I know.

Today was miserable. I don't expect anyone to keep coming up with encouraging things to say. It gets old. I know that. Either I get up and do the things I should do, or I don't.

Long night. Sad today.

I'm sorry this is happening

Do you have any idea what brings about these episodes. Are there thoughts or reminders from the past that go along with them? Do certain foods (or lack of food) cause a problem?

I’m sorry you’re struggling Rose, please consider writing this down, or even printing this thread out for the next professional you speak to.

Sorry I haven’t replied in a few days, there was some stuff going on in the family I needed to concentrate on.

It's all from being alone too much.

That makes sense. Do you feel you have a sense of purpose?

I guess I don't right now. Mainly I feel too alone.